DQ's Sex Blog

[Bagheera]

I'll bite DQ, especially since I've turned into the spokesman for the Intimacy Dilemma all too often around here.

Your description of male sexuality is correct up to a point, and it's a point that isn't at all obvious to women (nor to most young men, either).

Thanks to the relatively new high levels of testosterone their bodies are producing, all young men experience a sexual arousal 'high' during their teens and early twenties. Arousal (and erections) lurk just below the surface, within easy reach and very little mental effort. Given a little bit of visual stimulation and one stray thought, you can easily embarrass yourself (and sometimes do). So your description is correct, as far as this goes --> most young men are fully into the mode of exploring and enjoying this newfound source of pleasure, with little to no interest in emotional intimacy.

However, lurking within each young man, and usually unbeknownst to him, is a great capacity for emotional intimacy accompanying and, especially, just after lovemaking. Most young men don't even experience this until they fall in love for the first time, and then physical intimacy becomes oh-so-much better: skyrockets! And the more mature the man becomes, the more pronounced this connection becomes, and the more obvious it becomes to HIM. Somewhere along the way, he realizes that casual sex with a stranger leaves him feeling empty and disappointed, and wanting for something more. Sure, there will always be those playboys who never 'grow up,' and are able to maintain a separation between physical and emotional intimacy. There are some guys, as you describe, who can be 'bi-modal,' enjoying casual sex between serious relationships. And there are a few of us who left the one-night stands behind long ago.

When I was a young man I learned pretty quickly that casual sex was not really for me, despite how much I might want it at the time. I would suffer bouts of post-coital depression following casual lovemaking, which is what occurs when your mind wants that emotional connection to be there afterwards, and it isn't. I would come away feeling very empty, alone, and disappointed, when all my buddies would rave about how great and carefree it was supposed to be. Call me a sap or a romantic if you will, but I just could never get into the joy of sex for the sake of sex.

So while I agree with your post in large part, it's important to realize that those young men, who ARE pretty shallow and generally interested only in 'one thing,' do eventually grow and mature --> developing a great capacity for emotional intimacy in addition to their strong drive for physical intimacy.

Unfortunately, most women don't notice this growth.


One final observation (and being really simplistic myself):

I think that women are born with an innate ability for emotional intimacy, and then learn to develop the desire for and enjoyment of physical intimacy from men.

I think that men are born with an innate ability for physical intimacy, and then learn to develop the desire for and enjoyment of emotional intimacy from women.

Unfortunately, in the sex-starved marriage, each spouse tends to down-play (and stymie) the growth and development of the other. The man bemoans his wife's apparent lack of interest in the physical, while the wife bemoans her husband's apparent lack of interest in the emotional. And round and round they go.....

I am SO glad to be off THAT particular merry-go-round!

Bagheera