I am confused, why are you scared of him moving on from TH?
I mean, I'm worried about him being able to move on from her. But, now that I think about it, The Horse should be worried about him moving on from me!
One thing that worries me too is that I don't remember the last time that H has looked at me with "that look". Meaning, you know when someone is into you, they can't keep their eyes off of you? There are certain times I felt that from H: 1) Senior year in HS when he told me I was one of the prettiest and sweetest girls in school; 2) On our wedding day 3) During our separation, I was getting ready to go out and he was at the house and I looked amazing and he kept checking me out, wanting to know where I was going, etc.
I just don't ever feel that he looks at me and thinks, Wow, she is beautiful. or Wow, she is amazing. She takes my breath away. I want to feel like he is proud to have me and that he can appreciate me. But, maybe that is part of the issue? His self-loathing and own wounds doesn't allow that (not just for me, but for anyone).
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Sorry I missed this post. I think that H's own issues are totally what's responsible for him not being able to look at you that way at the moment. I'm sure as he deals with them, the looks will start to come back. My H seems to go through mini-phases of giving me the look and then not being able to look at me at all for weeks. It's almost as though he feels guilty about it, which is stupid considering that I'm his lovely W!
I totally agree with the sentiments about the Horse having to worry about his ability to move on from you. He's not been able to do it so far. That kind of suggests to me that he's not likely to be able to for quite a long time (if ever!)
I saw H last night. We went out to dinner and then the movies. The place we went out to dinner was the new restaurant of the same owners of a place we used to go to all the time. The owner recognized H.
I said to owner, "you know, (restaurant) was our first date!" Owner: Really? How long ago? H&me: around 11 years ago now. O: wow (looks at my hand w/o my wedding band) And when are you going to pop the question? me: Oh! we're married! I don't wear my ring. O: OH! neither do I.
When the owner walked away, I apologized to H about the exchange and said that there was no reason to apologize. We had a good time.
Ended up sitting at the bar some and talking. H expressed that he still feels like he has something in him "big" that he needs to express creatively (he's ALWAYS said that). We talked alot, but it was a little awkward. It was awkward b/c he is very much in the same place. I really feel like he hasn't made any progress and it is just disappointing to me.
At the movies, H held my hand in my lap. Toward the end, to adjust myself, I swung my legs over his lap. We were fine with that.
When he left, kiss on the cheeck.
What I had talked about with my therapist yesterday was that this time during the separation, I finally am becoming comfortable in my own skin. That I finally feel like an adult, a woman, a person of my own. Understand that when H and I started dating, I still felt like a awkward teenager (at 18) and ever since then, it has been "us". This time for myself, I'm learning about my sexuality, my personality, my confidence.
And, when I'm w/ H...it's like: I want him to fill the space of being my other half, but I don't know if he can. I need to feel desirable and he doesn't treat me that way. I need to feel secure and I don't with him. I need to feel loved and even that, I question now.
It really is a time of reflection for me.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Is the hand holding and lap swinging over different from what you and H have done so far? That sounds positive to me; and great that it was fine for both of you.
I know what you mean about feeling independent and getting stronger. Do you think it might be worth trying something different in your sitch to see if it affects H's behaviour in any way? A 180 of some kind?
A half an hour before we were supposed to leave for our flight to Las Vegas, my husband told me that he wasn't going to go and he was moving out.
My sister, sister-in-law, and best friend drove to my house to help me deal with the separation.
I went on my husband's computer and saw that he was having an affair for over a year.
Now:
I know what true friendship means.
My life would never be the same. My life is better.
I'm OK with not knowing what will become of my husband and I.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
How can I say that I'm barely making it through the days? Meaning, at work, I'm fine, but when I'm home, I barely even have enough energy to post on your (or my) threads. There is so much to say, but yet so little...you know?
The fact of the matter is, there is nothing new from H.
This is a tough couple weeks. The anniversary of the bomb, our wedding anniversary is the 19th. But, I realized that we haven't been "good" for two years now, and that realization in and of itself, was sort of devastating to me.
Not much more for me to write.
Talk to you all soon,
Beth
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
How can I say that I'm barely making it through the days? Meaning, at work, I'm fine, but when I'm home, I barely even have enough energy to post on your (or my) threads. There is so much to say, but yet so little...you know?
The fact of the matter is, there is nothing new from H.
This is a tough couple weeks. The anniversary of the bomb, our wedding anniversary is the 19th. But, I realized that we haven't been "good" for two years now, and that realization in and of itself, was sort of devastating to me.
Not much more for me to write.
Talk to you all soon,
Beth
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
