The access thing is not easy , its a situation I have been in where W has full access to our house , yet demands her privacy where she lives. For her it works well , for me its not been a problem but it may become one as I decide to move on with life.
THanks for your thoughts on this...I think this is going to be a real sore spot for me...
I would love others' experiences/takes on this issue.
It's a late night here in the midwest...and another week has drawn to a close.
I really could use some advice about what's going on in my sitch... H stayed here last night (guessing it was because S12 was out late with friend's family and he still hasn't been told of H's change in sleeping location) but back off again tonight.
I know that H is staying at OW's these nights (her kids come back in a week). RIght now that's the only change, and I'm really torn about if/how to proceed from there.
Oops...fell asleep while thinking about what comest next...it's now about an hour later, and my computer is now about to run out of power...
Well, it's another rainy morning here...fortunately, we are not in danger of floods, but Apr-June are the rainiest 3mo period in history here!
Was noticing this morning that I have a really high view to reply ratio; so lots of folks looking (don't think I look at my own thread that much ) but without much to say...which is actually kind of the way I am feeling right now.
I am sooo tired of my sitch...and find myself feeling like all the effort has been for naught. However, I know that that attitude is going to get me and my kids nowhere fast, so I've got to jump back up and work up an action plan for this new phase.
And this is where I could really use some feedback and advice from any of you out there...
Right now this is how things stand a/o last Wednesday:
** H is in his home office until around 9:30pm in evening, then departs for the night (S12, who hasn't been told yet, is always in bed asleep before this time. Only difference was on Saturday, when S12 was at movie with family friends until about 10pm, and H stayed over) H returns by 6am, in advance of S12 waking up. H did tell S18 that he was doing like we did 6 years ago, except that I would not be trading off with H.
** When H told me he was going to start doing this, he said he was staying in a month-to-month corp. rental (but in truth he is staying with OW, whose Ss are away until this weekend...) H has made arrangements to start actual rental 7/1. Fortunately, right now $$ for this is coming from H's small inheritance from mother; not our general budget. (The trip we just took has left us with huge cc debt now)
** H is still hiding involvement with OW; had Ss call BIL yesterday to invite him/SIL up for July 4th (?!WTF?!)
SOOO...How am I dealing with this?
** I have very definitely dropped the rope insofar as making any efforts to engage H in a marriage R; I think it may have finally really sunk in with me (can you say slow learner ) that the only semblance of R that we maintained was by my effort.
** I am doing my best to focus on interactions regarding Ss, being pleasant as I go about my day, and going somewhat dim.
** Right now i am not resisting H doing his own thing how he wants to. My feeling is that resisting/reacting to this arrangement right now will only push me further from my goal. ######## This path causes my couple of good friends who know what's going on to be frustrated with me...they both think I should kick H to the curb. But I just see that having enormous negative repercussions, and making my very stubborn H just that much more convinced that being with OW is the way to go. And, at this point, I am okay with this level of detachment.
Am I crazy/delusional/stupid to be pursuing this path?
I would love constructive criticism/suggestions/reactions. I'd so love to hear from any/all of you...
Yes, I've been keeping up with you, just haven't had time to post much.
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** Right now i am not resisting H doing his own thing how he wants to. My feeling is that resisting/reacting to this arrangement right now will only push me further from my goal.
Yes, I think you're going about this in the most positive way possible. Resistance would only be met with resistance.
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This path causes my couple of good friends who know what's going on to be frustrated with me...they both think I should kick H to the curb. But I just see that having enormous negative repercussions, and making my very stubborn H just that much more convinced that being with OW is the way to go
That is the common response from those on the outside looking-in, isn't it. We all see where doing what other's think you should do gets you. Doesn't mean you don't establish boundaries, etc., but I think you already know that.
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I am sooo tired of my sitch...and find myself feeling like all the effort has been for naught. However, I know that that attitude is going to get me and my kids nowhere fast, so I've got to jump back up and work up an action plan for this new phase.
The happier & more content you make your life right now will have the most impact on your R, so yes, jump right back up.
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had Ss call BIL yesterday to invite him/SIL up for July 4th (?!WTF?!)
That's so strange, maybe it's time to let him know you know. Haven't thought that completely out yet though. What do you think?
Take Care,
Sunny
Internet went down just as I tried to send this earlier, hopefully this'll make it.
Kind of a down day yesterday, hoping today will be better.
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Resistance would only be met with resistance.
Most of the time I think this is the correct stance, except that it just continues with a behavior that i've pretty much always exhibited...but, as i mentioned over on LO's thread, maybe the '180' would just be appropriate boundary-setting. However, I feel sure H would see that as resistance, too.
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That's so strange, maybe it's time to let him know you know.
Figured I'd wait to see what BIL's answer is; of course, by then H will actually be in possession of an apt. Can't imagine he would be using this time to begin introducing OW to the family, but who knows...
Thanks for being there SunnyJ!! Onward and upward!!!
I am reasonably sure W is involved with someone but she keeps it hidden , I am not sure what is behind this , but I think its typical of the "not fully gone" WAS , thinking that they may be able to retain a lifeline back or it could be that they know it would hurt us and they are trying not to have that conflict.
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I am sooo tired of my sitch...and find myself feeling like all the effort has been for naught.
I am with you on that one , but hopefully the effort has left you a better person in yourself. In fact i know it has.
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This path causes my couple of good friends who know what's going on to be frustrated with me...they both think I should kick H to the curb.
I get this from most of my friends and my Mother .
Hang in there L , I think that we are both at that part of this journey thats going to need patience.
All the same you also need to be moving ahead with your life and finding ways of making it as fullfilling and enjoyable as you can.
Just wanted to remind you that we are watching "No Reservations" at 8:00 Central ant then we will go to a link that gforce has set up and give our thoughts. I think the link is near the bottom of the "catagories" something like..Fun Stuff. If not look at Karen's thread and he has a link there. See ya at the movies.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
A couple of longer-term ones first (very much me-oriented): Lose 25lbs by 7/1/09 (in the next year...) Stop biting nails...get to point of being able to have a manicure by 9/1/08... Run (the whole darn way) a 5K race (thanks lwb!!) not sure of the time frame for this yet.
Just getting started...hope I'm warming up to something more along the lines of Gypsy's 'under the surface' list...
) but without much to say...which is actually kind of the way I am feeling right now.
) that the only semblance of R that we maintained was by my effort.