Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. I appreciate your comments. Let me see if I can answer some of your points.

First, it's been over 3 months since she's said she told OM NC. But she refuses to do anything approaching openness and honesty as far as that goes. I've never said I expect her to be back 100%. In fact I've told her if she was truly working on the marriage I would work on it forever. But that's the problem. She still has not said she's doing anything other than staying "for the kids". I don't know if she's looking at the books or not. Could be. She might have picked one up, but I don't know for sure or not.

I would not issue her an ultimatum. What I planned on saying is "We would love to have you come with us, but only if you're doing it for the right reasons". I also plan on saying "this separation is only so you can figure out what you want". If she wants to move for the right reasons she'll be willing to do the things necessary for our marriage to have a chance. And right now, she's just not. And it's affecting the kids. And I can't let that continue.

I agree that a good student one place will be a good student anywhere, but it's the same trigger that we go through for him to be here. In our hometown he'll be surrounded by family and friends. Here he has a few friends and NO family besides his mom and I. And the school system in our hometown IS BETTER. There's no comparison. The first day he was at this school the guidance counselor asked him if there were many "blacks" at his own school? He then made stereo typical comments. He then asked if there were many "mexicans" there? S16's best friend is hispanic. He has african-american friends in our hometown. What kind of guidance counselor asks a kid that? And there have been many other instances where teachers have made jokes about hispanics, chinese, etc. This school system may be ok for the red necks of the area, but when we've spent our whole lives raising our kids to be color blind, what kind of environment is this for him to be educated? I could go on with more examples of how our hometown school is better, but you get the point.

Yes, if WW is going to wait 2 years for OM, she could do it anywhere, but at least we would be HOME and around family and real friends. And I believe she is having a more difficult time getting through WD (if she is truly NC) because everyday she goes to work where they met it has to be a trigger for her. And she refuses to get rid of her affair stuff. I just see this as an opportunity for her to make the decision one way or another whether she's really going to try.

You're a perfect example. You're struggling with WD. But you've made the commitment to try with your H. I don't see my wife doing that. I think she thinks she'll just cruise along, still talking to OM just in case we don't make it. She just doesn't realize that as long as she's keeping that fantasy alive with/about him that our marriage never will have a chance.

We shall see. I guess I just see her as being so foggy that she can't see how this is affecting our son and like he told her "if a nice house and shopping is more important than your kids and marriage, then I guess I know where we stand".