Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Hope4us]

Thanks TAL. I talked to both boys (funny calling them boys, they're men in every sense of the word) this afternoon. They both feel like I do. If she's not ready to really try this marriage it's best if we just got on with our lives.

And both of them said again that if she thinks OM will ever be a part of their lives, she's sadly mistaken.

Maybe this will wake her up. We shall see.

BTW....it looks like maybe, just maybe WW looked at "not just friends" while I was out grocery shopping. There is a AAA card sitting on top of the book and it looks like it's in a slightly different position than it was before I left. Will she actually begin reading it? Don't know and really don't care at this point.

[Hope4us]

I feel so good right now. I think I've come to realize that it was doing the best thing for my kids was what was keeping me in the situation we're in and now that they've both told me they realize how F'd up their mom is right now and that it would probably be best if we moved without her so she can figure out just what she wants in life, I feel great.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sad that it's come to this. I really am, but I've been fighting this for over a year (when I first suspected) and so far WW has done nothing but lie, cheat and rub her affair in my nose. And since she's claimed NC with OM, she still hasn't done anything to lead me to believe she even remotely understands what she's done.

You can read our conversation from Sat if you haven't, but I again reiterated that I would take responsibility for the things in our marriage that she was unhappy with and I was working on those things and wanted to move forward in a marriage where we're both happy, but her response is just reinforcing what I've suspected all along, that she's either still in contact with OM or she just doesn't "get it" and has not/will not take any responsibility for her selfish reasons for having an affair.

And I can't/won't continue to live like this. The way I feel right now I'm going to tell her that I don't think it's a good idea for her to move with us. I think she needs time alone to really figure out what she wants. If she thinks her life is without me and the kids, so be it. If she thinks the POS is her life, have fun, but I'm not going to allow her to move with us unless she really shows me she understands her part in this and REALLY wants to work on the marriage.

And it's quite liberating when you get to this point.

Beginning Sat afternoon I pretty much shut down after I talked to the kids. It wasn't a shutdown with a purpose. I just pretty much figured out I don't even like the person she's become and really don't have much to say to her. Sunday morning she got up and came out on the deck where I was sitting and didn't say a word to me. I went grocery shopping and when I came home she made some salad. I grilled out and she tried to make small talk with me, but I really just wasn't in the mood. I went to bed to watch t.v. pretty early last night. I just couldn't stand being in the same room with her. This morning, nothing was said. When I went downstairs there was a note with my wallet that said "do you have any stamps?" WTF? She couldn't just ask me? Don't care.

S16 told me he was going to ask her if she was moving with us either today or tomorrow. When he does I'll tell her that I don't think she should move because she needs to figure out what she wants and see what she says.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

I am grateful for your clarity. The fog and the limbo SUKKS, and no one else can tell each of us when our Moment of Clarity comes, but cometh it does.

You sound strong, and at peace. More importantly, you sound as if your decision-making is coming from that place of strength and peace, and NOT coming from anger, which is extremely important.

Please keep us posted. I pray your wife will come to her senses, and do the right thing. I do think she has been leaning that way, but perhaps hasn't had any reason NOT to just keep delaying it and taking her sweet time. She will now have that reason, but the choice -- as always -- is entirely up to her.

Good work, my bruthaman. Good work thus far.

Puppy

[fightingirish]

I know what you mean about taking responsibilty for her actions. As much as I have read on DB it takes a very long time for them to come to that stage. They are in denial. They think they have a good reason for doing it etc. etc. Its just that there is so much one person can take and everyone has there limit.

Life is too short, and if you feel that she is just not coming around, this is her loss. Your kids are old enough that they know what's going on and are supportive of you. Like I had said, I think it IS a good idea to go, she needs a serious reality check.

Sometimes I wish these S's of ours would just sh$$ or get off the pot, rather then drag us along, continuing to hurt and betray because they don't know what the heck they want. Its so fustrating. Have at least some respect for us and give us an answer as to which was they are going.

((((hugs)))

[fightingirish]

btw.. youve got fb mail

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup, TAL (you have mail too).

I agree Pup, I think she's been moving in the right direction, but I just don't think she's "got it". Could she get it if I gave her more time? Maybe. But the way things are now are affecting my kids and that's something I WILL NOT ALLOW to go on any longer.

Part of me thinks when S16 tells her we're moving with or without her that that will wake her up, but I'm not counting on it. And to tell the truth here, she may wake up, but if she's not willing to give me what I need, then I'm done with it. I've already told her more times than I can count that I want to move forward in our marriage, with the knowledge gained, to a place where we're BOTH happy, but I think she thinks she doesn't have to do any of that work because I should just accept that I'm the cause of her affair and she was completely justified in what she did. And that AIN'T gonna work.

BTW, looked like this morning she might have looked at "not just friends" some more. Don't know for sure, but I think. Maybe she's thinking about it more? Who knows, but I know she's going to get a lot of time to think about it soon, one way or another.

I appreciate the support guys.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Keep on keepin' on, man. Stay the course.

Puppy

[Doing_My_Best]

Just checking in H4U. You are doing great. I like the idea of you moving, with or without her. You deserve a good life, just like your sons do.

Good luck!

[whatdidido]

Ok...I don't blame you for getting ready to move on, BUT.....

I promised you that I would remind you to be patient and so here I go. She needs some time. You are wanting her to be back with you 100% right now when she feels like she may not love you like she should. You said she might be reading those books. She probably is. Give her the benefit of the doubt. It may be the time to give her the talk about "this is what we need to do to give our marriage a chance, are you willing to do it?" She can have the feelings of the OM still, but if there is truly NC then she should be also trying to work through it all. Reading those books are crutial. Talking to you about it is crucial. Maybe having you point out some important parts in the book would help. Then, have the discussion. I think you said it has only been 2 months...right?

I have mixed feelings about the ultimatum.....I'm wondering if it is the best way to go, or the quickest way to go (for you). You want answers now and telling her that you will leave with the kids will get that answer to you fast. Could be good. Could make her see the light. But, it is not WHERE you are that matters, it is your family. If your son is a good student, he would be a good student anywhere. He is having trouble because your marriage is having trouble. That could happen anywhere. Here, there. Do you really think your W is going to wait 2 years for the OM? If she is...coudln't she move anywhere and wait for him? I agree, she needs to start working on the marriage and that talk should ensue...but that should be the focus...not you are leaving with us, or we leave without you. I don't know. That's my gut feeling on it. It could work out for you, too, though........ I guess just think a little more on it before you start that conversation that way. Don't give up on her.

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. I appreciate your comments. Let me see if I can answer some of your points.

First, it's been over 3 months since she's said she told OM NC. But she refuses to do anything approaching openness and honesty as far as that goes. I've never said I expect her to be back 100%. In fact I've told her if she was truly working on the marriage I would work on it forever. But that's the problem. She still has not said she's doing anything other than staying "for the kids". I don't know if she's looking at the books or not. Could be. She might have picked one up, but I don't know for sure or not.

I would not issue her an ultimatum. What I planned on saying is "We would love to have you come with us, but only if you're doing it for the right reasons". I also plan on saying "this separation is only so you can figure out what you want". If she wants to move for the right reasons she'll be willing to do the things necessary for our marriage to have a chance. And right now, she's just not. And it's affecting the kids. And I can't let that continue.

I agree that a good student one place will be a good student anywhere, but it's the same trigger that we go through for him to be here. In our hometown he'll be surrounded by family and friends. Here he has a few friends and NO family besides his mom and I. And the school system in our hometown IS BETTER. There's no comparison. The first day he was at this school the guidance counselor asked him if there were many "blacks" at his own school? He then made stereo typical comments. He then asked if there were many "mexicans" there? S16's best friend is hispanic. He has african-american friends in our hometown. What kind of guidance counselor asks a kid that? And there have been many other instances where teachers have made jokes about hispanics, chinese, etc. This school system may be ok for the red necks of the area, but when we've spent our whole lives raising our kids to be color blind, what kind of environment is this for him to be educated? I could go on with more examples of how our hometown school is better, but you get the point.

Yes, if WW is going to wait 2 years for OM, she could do it anywhere, but at least we would be HOME and around family and real friends. And I believe she is having a more difficult time getting through WD (if she is truly NC) because everyday she goes to work where they met it has to be a trigger for her. And she refuses to get rid of her affair stuff. I just see this as an opportunity for her to make the decision one way or another whether she's really going to try.

You're a perfect example. You're struggling with WD. But you've made the commitment to try with your H. I don't see my wife doing that. I think she thinks she'll just cruise along, still talking to OM just in case we don't make it. She just doesn't realize that as long as she's keeping that fantasy alive with/about him that our marriage never will have a chance.

We shall see. I guess I just see her as being so foggy that she can't see how this is affecting our son and like he told her "if a nice house and shopping is more important than your kids and marriage, then I guess I know where we stand".