Just when I think I'm properly detached and getting settled with the inevitable, today I just felt the sudden pangs of anxiety in realizing that W will be legally free to file for D one week from now, on July 7.
I know, I know. I keep telling myself to not worry about things that are outside of my control. Sometimes that is easier said than done.
There is nothing I can do to prevent it. And there has been nothing I have done that has had any effect in averting it. Obviously, my W has more will and determination and plays this "game" so much better than myself.
I knew I was powerless, but I just never realized how much until this past year. Now it is eminent.
I have faith that I will survive this. But I worry for my W and what this will do to my S's. On that, because of my S's, it is so very hard to detach. But for my children I could more easily have let her go completely -- I think I would have already come so much farther.
Lately I keep thinking about what I want to say to her. It keeps rolling over and over in my mind. I realize it wouldn't change anything, and yet I have this pent-up desire to say my peace.
Is there nothing that I can say?
No, I (must) give this over to God Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth. I release this into the hands of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and ask for forgiveness for myself and for my lost wife. I pray she too will accept His grace again some day.
