Okay, I know this may not be an issue for everybody who has been D for some time.... but I seem to be struggling with the whole intimacy issue. I have been considering the thought of dating again. I have not yet because of this very thing. I've done friend things like meet for dinner, movies, get togethers but it has all been with those I feel safe with...ie, no attraction factor. The thing is I really miss having intimacy in my life... and I'm talking about just having someone hold my hand or give those soft strokes on the inside of your arm... that special persons shoulder to lay your head on and and sigh that expression of ahhh this is wonderful. Just those small expressions of intimacy seem so far out of reach. I get the feeling that people just want to jump right into okay we've gone through the first date now it's the second so let's go to bed. I'm so afraid of that and having to say NO. It's not that I don't want to.... but I want it to be right.... and rushing things of falling prey to sexual urges just isn't. That empty, what the hell have I done feeling is not something I care to go through. So... either I make sure to tell a guy upfront that this is how I feel and risk watching him bolt .... or I avoid the whole dating thing altogether.
Am I just being overly dramatic or has anyone else been struggling with this same kinda stuff?????
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
either I make sure to tell a guy upfront that this is how I feel and risk watching him bolt...
There are guys out there that think the "old fashioned" way. The two "dating" (more like "courting") experieces I had were with ladies who were deeply committed christians with whom it was understood physical intimacy was not an option. If things progressed and got more serious, I would have intiated a discussion about keeping us accountable and out of situations where one thing might have led to another.
Know what your standard is and then don't be afraid to get it out there on the table early on. If you aren't even close to being on the same page, why date them at all? Why start to have feelings for someone who looks at intimacy differently than you do?
I miss the emotional intimacy. I am driven nuts buy the sensuality of our society so of course I miss physical intimacy (same for my brothers at church because we do discuss it). We have occasion to meet, serve with and get to know the ladies at church. We are often at prayer meetings where we may hear the beautiful heart felt prayers of a woman. There is that opening up in appropriate settings. BUT, if it just doesn't seem like there is a match for one reason or another, I personally just keep things more superficial so as to avoid giving the wrong impression. There are other guys who don't have the same approach but that is between them and God as to how they respect the emotions and the honor of our sisters in church. I believe that in God's timing, I'll find someone He wants me to meet.
Don't know if that really helps you but that's part of my perspective
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
[quote=Committed2Him Know what your standard is and then don't be afraid to get it out there on the table early on. If you aren't even close to being on the same page, why date them at all? Why start to have feelings for someone who looks at intimacy differently than you do?
[/quote]
thanks C2... I know what my standard is... but sometimes I wonder if I've set the bar too high. In this day and age it is almost unrealistic to even hope for a man to wait a few weeks for intimacy much less to expect him to want to wait on marriage.
I must be just havin' one of those lonely days.... man they really suck!!!!!
So where's the party tonight ...I gotta get my mind of depressing junk!
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
[quote=Committed2Him Know what your standard is and then don't be afraid to get it out there on the table early on. If you aren't even close to being on the same page, why date them at all? Why start to have feelings for someone who looks at intimacy differently than you do?
thanks C2... I know what my standard is... but sometimes I wonder if I've set the bar too high. In this day and age it is almost unrealistic to even hope for a man to wait a few weeks for intimacy much less to expect him to want to wait on marriage.
I must be just havin' one of those lonely days.... man they really suck!!!!!
So where's the party tonight ...I gotta get my mind of depressing junk! [/quote]
L-N-F, I think you have it in your head that all men want to throw you in the sack, I also believe that you do that to push people away. You have to let your guard down a little and give people a chance. Untill you do that, I think you will struggle with the thoughts of relationships. I.e. they live too far away, they aren't this way, they aren't that way, etc. To put in lamans terms, give someone a chance, if its not right, what have you lost?
BH...you would be surprised at what is really out there. It depends on where you look, but that mind-set is definitely a big one out there. Its hard to learn the ropes again--the rules seem to have changed.
More later, I'm sure, but "standard" would we teach and share with our kids? What would we tell them when they say that standard is too high? Is the cost of a bad or wrong relationship worth the temporary comfort? When you look at it objectively, it is better to be single and improving in contentment, than to be in a relationship that is not right for us. No?
I shared on Donna's thread that a friend knew what she wanted and stayed within those pramaters when dating, mostly. She dated someone who seemed to be outside of her want list but in other areas than character. Initially she did not want to give the guy a second look but then did so. As it turns out, he turned out to be a real gem.
I try to remember this as I pray about the prospect of future relationships and it allows me to be a bit more patient as I wait on the Lord for what He has in store for me. In the mean time, not being hindered in trying to force something OR having my time so occupied on a woman (I did do that in my first two post D attempts at developing an R) allows me to focus on God first, and then my kids. I hope to maintain this perspective because my life is becoming increasingly rich as I walk this walk.
When I do get in that funk, desiring a relationship, I share with my friend and he encourages me (and visa versa). We trust that God, if He wills it, has a woman for each of us who currently loves Him more than she will ever love us. That beautiful heart does not have to be in the type of physical tent I use to think I wanted in a mate (the bible says these bodies are mere tents we are using as we pass through this life). So, since I need to know the heart and cannot judge by the exterior (there does have to be chemistry and some kind of physical attraction), I need to get to know the heart of such a woman and that takes some time.
Keep your standard right where it needs to be but pray about the parameters of that standard.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Argh.... I spend way too much time in my own head... trying to make sure I don't make any mistakes .... who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to make them... heck, I'd be dead and sitting in the clouds sipping strawberry smoothies(cause we all know they're heavenly) with the angels.
I do indeed need to lighten up with my fear factor. As long as I don't compromise what I feel is right for me then I should be fine. So it may take a few frogs before the prince is discovered. As much as slimy things creep me out I can't stay afraid or worry that I might just be the frogette to some poor soul as well.
DIY PROJECT....
can I just say re-grouting SUCKS!!! I spent pretty much the whole weekend sitting in a tub covered in white powder. What a perdy picture that was!!! I eventually came to the conclusion that a shower surround would look wonderful. Soooo.... I'm gonna go that route and save myself the torture of a re-grout. Now I just have to get hold of dremel boy and return his tool. What a waste of a good week-end.... and plus I'm still itchy from all that grout dust .... YUK!!!
HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY!!!!!
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Yep, some DIY bites! But, think of the money you saved and think of the satisfaction of seeing the finished work and knowing that YOU did it. (Sort of how God looks at us, He sees the finished product but just needs to prep us, get rid of the rot etc, in order to make us into something beautiful. )
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Argh.... I spend way too much time in my own head... trying to make sure I don't make any mistakes .... who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to make them... heck, I'd be dead and sitting in the clouds sipping strawberry smoothies(cause we all know they're heavenly) with the angels.
Some may look at my attempted relationships as "mistakes" but I choose to see them as my effort to seek God' will. I prayed moved forward and He taught me things for future uses. I did not compromise my integrity.
One sister appreciated the flattery of being pursued and is a better friend (I would see her at church all the time but a couple months after our "break up" conversation, she specifically sought me out to thank me for taking a risk to "court her."
The other sister also saw my efforts and concern for her well. While courting her, she got in a major accident, was really banged up but nothing broken or really serious but hurt nonetheless. I was extremely supportive, was able to chauffer her around for several days etc. She may now think I am too much of a work in progress, the way I desired to NOT continue the communication in the future. It is complicated and much to do with her, our history and other issues but I sought counsel from my closest friend and also prayed about it. I am at peace with how things ended.
She also has a number of really nice outings to reflect upon plus an ipod I surprised her with. I really could not afford it but bought one and gave it to her because I wanted to help her in her growth and supplied her with bible teachings I thought she would also benefit from. I also loaded it with tons of music she did not previously have.
Was I out of God' will? Did I fail since these fledgling relationships ended? Me thinks not.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
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