random Dommage

[sgctxok]

I will share that after my divorce (I found DB 2 Relationships after)....I plunged into a relationship with someone. My ex was abusive, but my relationship that developed so quickly afterwards enfuriated him....he stopped getting help for himself. MAYBE he would have continued, and maybe we would have healed if he had done so.

It hurt my daughter's feelings (she was 6), and confused her as well, hurt my ex husband's family and sent me on some emotional rollercoasters for a few years. Not all good times.

There is some temporary relief in these relationships, but there can be so much anguish, that if you can spare yourself and your family this much, it will most likely be better for you.

Saying a prayer for you and your wife....that your heart may be filled.

[JCJ]

Hi Dom

I haven't posted on your thread before but I understand exactly what you are talking about. It is the lack of companionship and affection that is really difficult when you have been so close to someone for so long and still long for them.

Sometimes when I find myself sitting in my house all alone and lonely I find it best to employ diversion tactics on myself. I distract myself by doing something else. If you make up your mind to do that I have found it very effective.

I was offered the opportunity a couple of months ago of one night of 'companionship' with someone that I already knew and at first I said yes as I was just pining for some comfort and companionship. It took a really good friend to ask me 'what do you really want'. I knew that I had made a promise to my husband and what I really wanted was to stay true to that and actually seeing this person would be a sticking plaster over the actual cause and in the long run would make me feel worse.

That is just my situation though... you have to make the decision that is right for you.

So at the moment I sleep next to my faithful cat that is very happy with the extra space that is now in the bed! Although she snores a lot louder than my husband ever did...

Jx

[Dom R]

got back from a week's "family vacation" with children, and wife.
Thought I'd attempt to give a brief reader's digest version. or as brief as "Dom" can make it

Positives: was the longest we've ever been together straight, with no-one else around, since she moved out 2 years ago.

Negatives... way too many "R talks" and similar stuff, than I should have gotten into.

On the day-to-day stuff.. I think we interacted FANTASTIC. It proved without a shadow of a doubt, that any claims she makes about "well we just cant get along" are totally false. 7 full days, and the only arguments we really had, were issues that we wouldnt have to argue about, if we were living together as a single committed household.
we worked well together as a team... we all had fun... i took care of her when she let me... i gave her space when she asked for it. (and even when she DIDNT "ask", but just kinda "snuck out". ugh)

previously, she claimed she couldnt be nice to me for more than a day or two in a row. well.. we did it for a week straight. I believe we could do it indefinately, and this proves it, to my mind.
'course, she would probably never admit this...

Downer side: no major nookie session like we've had in prior mini-trips and only one, brief night of sleeping next to each other, out of all 7 nights, and only with great complaining on her part.
That being said... i'm very glad I did get that one night next to her.

two more subject-focused posts coming....

[Dom R]

I tried the "5 languages of apology" approach, on the trip.
Due to prior failures with verbal communication, I went the "write a letter" approach. (2 days ago, on the 19th, i gave it to her) Although I gave a long verbal pre-amble first. sigh.
I dont think she believes in apologising herself, or asking for forgiveness herself.... So I think she is similarly ... uncaring, about people attempting to ask for her forgiveness. Unlike ms-ladybug's spouse, I dont think that my wife has at all been waiting for me to apologise. So.... I didnt have high hopes going in.

But... it's something I have not tried yet. So I attempted an 'act as if (it might work)' attitude, and tried the whole 9 yards:
- Acknowleged what I did, and that it was wrong of me to do so
- Expressed regret that I had done so.
- Said that I would not do it again
- Asked for forgiveness
- Offered to do any action or task she might suggest, if it would help her
forgive me.

It triggered a "talk". But not really oriented towards forgiveness. It was more of the usual "rant against Dom and what he has done" flavor.
This time, I actually attempted to defend myself, in order to possibly deflate the "rantworthyness" of her complaints. and I think that was a good thing.
There are gripes against me that she keeps bringing up, as a distraction pattern against whatever I am actually talking about at the time, and I dont defend myself because I dont want to distract from the main topic. So, I think that she has previously "successfully justified" her resentment levels against me.

so... this time, I actually brought up my side of things. Fairly successfully. She kept jumping from topic to topic; when I had some reasonable success at defending myself against complaint #1... rather than acknowlege what I had said, she jumped to complaint #2, and so on. But she wore me down, around complaint #5 or something.

We didnt really spend much time in the actual what does it take to forgive? side of things. She claims from time to time that she is "still thinking about it".

Usually, in the past, that means, "i dont wish to talk about it any more".
But in the more recent past, I have seen a positive change from her, of actually having a response to certain things, that I thought she was only stalling on like before.
Soooo... I guess I shall attempt to be patient and re-ask from time to time, rather than just give up on it just yet.

[Dom R]

Today... is the 2 year anniversary of the day she moved out.

I called her tonight, and talked a little about how devastated I was. How I almost died... how I wanted to die, and almost did (self-starvation).
Some people "lose their appetite" when the leaving spouse reveals their affair, and goes.
I didnt eat at all.

unfortunately, I was a little too pointed to her taste, about saying that it was as a result of her choice to move out, and that it was her choice to break up our family.

She has rarely accepted responsability for her choices. This choice, or any other.
She always wants to make our separation/divorce filing a joint responsability (or, really, a MY responsability thing, if i'll let her lay it on me).

I'm always willing to admit that I made mistakes in our marriage. and that my behaviour was not comfortable for her, and "painful".
It's 'interesting' though, that she is never willing to admit and accept responsability, that the reason i was acting extreme in those last few months, was because of her choice to be dating other men.

bah.
it wasnt my intention to be arguing about that. Particularly since I already know she wont admit responsability for her own choices. But it mostly ended up as an argument about that.

sucky timing. right on the day we get back, from a nice vacation together. I would have preffered to bring it up another day. But it just wouldnt have seemed right... something like this, i think needs to be done on "the day".

So... one way or another, i have mentioned that to her. Something that I have been meaning to mention to her, and now has been "done".

[Dom R]

I instigated some followup 'R talk' yesterday when my W came to pick up our children. Probably not the best timing... but I'd been holding it in for over a week, from when we half-started it, at the end part of our vacation.
Me asking her if she would put the past behind us, and stop holding it against me.
She didnt choose to let it go. She did not choose to ask me to attempt any "restitution" for it. Said she didnt see any use in that sort of thing.
But I think a small chunk of misperception may have been cleared. Dunno, would be nice.

Hopefully, i've gotten "R talk" out of my system for a while now.
If i just didnt have to worry about whether she's screwing her latest online boyfriend in real life now, things wouldnt be so bad. sigh.
Seems like the recent reticence to fool around with me, would most likely be due to her fooling around with him.
(compared to past ones, who were not "local", so not much possibility previously)

[Trixi]

((DOM))

Out of curiousity, you guys have been separated a long time now-- what keeps either one of you from filing? Not that I am saying you should, just curious because most people would have said 'screw it' by now.
What is holding her back? Is that something you can capitalize on?

[Dom R]

guess I should update my .signature line.
She HAS filed already. served me in Dec 2006. At the time, was full-steam ahead for getting it done.
Over time, this has mellowed out. But she still is holding on tightly to a grudge. Too tightly to reconcile with me.

She asked me to buy her out of our house. Previously, it was just because she "wanted out".
However, in the present, she says it is only because she "needs the money" to help her parents make payments on loan for their home remodelling(where she lives in the added-on rooms and pays rent), because her father just lost his job.

When I asked her, she said that was the only reason. and while she "thinks about finalizing the divorce sometimes", she says she does not have any specific plans to do so at the moment.

'course, the last time we spoke about her intentions, she wasnt actively dating a guy in the same timezone. So I dont know whether she still has no plans to do so.
double-ugh.

[Dom R]

wierd.
feelings are very strange things.
I would think i'd be all pissy and such right now, given the logical situation of things.

But at the moment, i just miss my wife, and would like to be with her today.
Guess i'll try to just enjoy a moment of semi-peace. It's rather rare these days.
I'm glad I have a picture of her on my desk still.

[catfan]

wierd.
feelings are very strange things.
I would think i'd be all pissy and such right now, given the logical situation of things.

But at the moment, i just miss my wife, and would like to be with her today.
Guess i'll try to just enjoy a moment of semi-peace. It's rather rare these days.
I'm glad I have a picture of her on my desk still.

Dom buddy, it must be in the water or something because I've felt much the same way yesterday and today. Sorrow is a good word right now. But I must say I feel worlds better after posting on a few threads!