As much as I didn't feel like doing it, I messaged H "Happy Father's Day :)". Thank god for messaging so H couldn't see the tears in my eyes or hear the sadness in my voice.
H responded with "thanks - say thanks to S2 for me too", which brought more tears, since H has had very little interest in S2 until recently. It isn't often that he specifically mentions him. (S6 was with H.)
I got H a frame and put one of my favorite recent pictures of the boys in it - from the boys of course. H seemed pleased to get it, even though he waited until I left to open it. Am I a fool to still buy gifts for him???
Hi sh- I think it was a great gesture for you to get the picture frame and picture for the kids to give to your H. I have done the same thing in the past for my XH without any reciprocation from him. I have tried to teach my children to be giving...unfortunately now that they are teenagers they don't think much beyond themselves (mostly my S at the moment)...but I am hoping that when they finally mature something will have sunk in! =/
So other than today's emotional stuff, how are you doing?
I sent H an email to let him know how happy S6 was that H was spending more time on the weekends with him. H responded by calling me and saying he was going to spend time with S6 that day (a weekday) before he left for his trip. Wish it hadn't taken an A and an S for me to finally figure out how well positive reinforcement works on my H.
H still sounds/seems/looks depressed when I see him, but I could be mistaking that for him being too tired to keep up with his lifestyle of going out drinking practically every single night.
Been really busy lately with friends. Having a good time and really enjoying myself, although I still think about H a lot. Had a terrible dream the other night that H was going to marry ogre.
Having a hard time imagining H ever living here in my new place, so in a way, I guess physically moving has helped me move forward emotionally. Now I just worry that if I'm truly letting go of any hope, what's there to hold our R together? Silly, I guess, considering our R is non-existent!
Just occurred to me that H has travelled to 2 places I've wanted to take him to, as they were both places I had lived but that we had never been to together or that H had ever been to at all. Not sure if ogre is with him on his current trip. I don't ask because I don't want to be lied to. It's kinda like how he bought his mom the breed of dog that I've always wanted, but claimed it was the dog his nephew wanted a few months ago (S6 was asking for a different breed). Possibly his subconscious at work? Or plain old coincidences?
One more thing: H doesn't treat me like he would a stranger or a good friend. Treats me like a relative he's annoyed with. He's civil, but rarely initiates conversation. Occasionally, he'll ask questions and be friendly, but most of the time, he's a little less than apathetic, if that makes sense. Just feeling guilty? Or is there a deeper meaning?
H doesn't treat me like he would a stranger or a good friend. Treats me like a relative he's annoyed with. He's civil, but rarely initiates conversation. Occasionally, he'll ask questions and be friendly, but most of the time, he's a little less than apathetic, if that makes sense. Just feeling guilty? Or is there a deeper meaning?
I wish I knew that answer. That is exactly how I would describe how my H treats me. I'm guessing they treat us like that because they feel like we are making them so unhappy.
It really sucks.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Hi sh- I would think that your H treats you the way he does is because of the guilt and there is probably no deeper meaning...so, if that is the case, is there anything you can do to help alleviate any of his guilt...doubtful. He has to work through it. From what you say, he is probably still just avoiding dealing with anything. I wish there was a way we could get these guys to confront their issues.
Do you and your H ever talk about your M? I am just curious if your H ever said anything about a D. At least your nightmare can't become reality if you aren't divorced.
Keep enjoying your life. Do you and your boys planned this summer?
SH HI Positive reinforcement does seems to work well with my H as well as my kids and even the dog(jack Russell) I know what you mean about their apathetic attitude ,,I feel H is just so indifferent to me and some of his responses are so flat and seem inappropriate for a man coming out of a 14 year M I think they are like that b/c they are shutdown..they cant feel properly the way we do: thats how they could do the unthinkable and hurt so many people peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
NG: One positive about our H's treating us indifferently is that at least it's better than spew. I really admire those that are able to stand despite their spewing spouses.
Upside: Nope, H and I never - and I mean never - talk about our M. The only time we talk about D is when I bring it up (last time was 9 months ago). But that's an excellent point that I hadn't thought of, about H not being able to get married without getting D'ed first.
peace: I'm going to keep trying this positive reinforcement thing. I know I certainly didn't do it enough when we were married.
I called H yesterday to ask him a question regarding S. After we finished talking, he called me back to discuss another issue and we actually had a little bit of a conversation. About cars, but it was at least somewhat of a conversation which lasted more than our usual one minute. It felt so normal and H sounded like his old self. Less distant too.
I really wanted to send H a message today as I was filling out paperwork for S's school regarding our marital status. Wanted to tell him that I feel like smacking him every time I have to circle "Separated", but I didn't. I'm worried if it will have any effect on S getting in to the school, so am considering not circling it... Legally, we're not S, so it's not really a lie, is it???
So you're still in denial like me, huh Cinders? Hahaha. I also checked "married" on our papers last time. I think I will do the same for the school and explain only if I think it's necessary for them to know. Thanks for sharing!
