Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I've been so busy looking down, I never realized I was part of a group.. the Sludge Stuck Stumpers.
Today I had a home inspector through to give me an idea of what needs to be done to the house, what has to be dealt with. I wanted something in writing so that I don't get hassled when it comes to taking care of 'need to do now' repairs. I'd rather fix things in the house with a pre-divorce income.
So, that was a big to-do crossed off. I'll get the written report tomorrow, talk to a realtor friend about what translates best for the house. With that knowledge I'll approach the lawyer or shazsplatt (getting tired of calling him 'spouse', 'guy I married', 'Kevin'; I am not up using initials) with all my ducks in a row.
"How can you heal when you can't stand the hurt?" came to me last night when I was writing.
At first I applied it to shazsplatt.. that he could only go so far. It's so hard when things are unsettled because history is rewritten, perceptions are whacked out. All I know is that he hated counseling and would never go, except on occasion with me. The counselors would ask me why I was intimidated by someone who loved me so much. Then again, he was telling others how much he loved me until a week before he left.
I figured he didn't want the hurt it takes to heal.
I turned the tables.. I sure don't like the hurt, the fear, the uncertainty that goes into accepting the REALIZATION that what I took for granted, my marriage, is gone.
I have to let myself feel it all, not get muddled in it, and keep moving. Slosh on through. It doesn't have to be perfect, just keep sloshing.
I know my faults all too well. Time to start polishing where I shine and taking a leap of faith that things will be better.
And I don't even need to figure out what things. Just do.
