Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

Journal - OK - Where to begin...

We had agreed that she would come home from work on Friday and then pack up and go to her aunt's for the weekend. Well, she comes home and starts grilling me - "what's wrong??, You have a look on your face like something's bothering you"...etc. I said that I was doing a lot of work and was just tired and looking forward to relaxing tonight (her parents took the boys for an overnight.)She starts crying and says that she's not leaving - she doesn't want to leave her house - that is not the answer etc...I said that we agreed to do this and it wouldn't be easy for anybody. She then asked me why I wanted to get rid of her so fast. I told her that I felt I needed some space from the sitch to sort through what I am feeling.

It then turned into a long discussion. She told me that she has been angry at me because the kids clearly heard one of our arguments a few months back and what I said about her and the neighbors and that has turned the kids against her. She said she knew it was not intentional on my part but it was my fault. I let it go - wasn't going to argue. I said i was sorry for unintentionally turning the kids against her if that is the way she feels. She then went into feeling lost and an outsider in a house full of males - all the stuff she's been saying. I just validated. She said she didn't want to leave the house - I told her I wouldn't force her to do anything but that I was disappointed we couldn't follow through on our agreement.

She then asked if we could pizza together for dinner. We did. It was actually very nice. We were alone and talked for a very long time about family and friends. We went to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and she was very restless (I think she actually woke me up). She started crying about being lost and having a terrible feeling inside and she didn't know how she got here and she feels very alone and unloved. I told her that she has 4 people in the house that love her very much and she will never be alone because of that. We talked for a while but she was very restless. She got up and took one of her tranqulizer pills (Xanax). They were given to her for panic attacks a while back. She got back into bed and asked me to hold her. I haven't put my arms around her in a long time - I couldn't believe how rail thin she was. It caused me to have a big lump in my throat. I kept thinking to myself - What has happened to her. I held her until she fell asleep and then I turned over. One of the last things she said is that she feels like she is a terrible mother.

I got up the next morning and went out and got us coffee (it's one of my 180s that I know she notices). We talked again over coffee. She said she can't take the way she feels anymore and that she has to get her life back. She said she is going to her IC and will talk to her about it - I said nothing. We had a pretty good day. Her parents were over for a little while and she came to S10's baseball game. She then went and bought some steaks and we BBQ'd - just us. She drank a lot of wine and just wanted to sit and talk with me. The boys were excited that we were getting along so well so they were hanging around. She kept telling them to go do something so "me and daddy can talk". I was torn - I wanted to tell her that I didn't agree and to let them stay but I didn't. Everytime they left she would say how they are driving her crazy and won't let her breathe. The neighbor stopped over for a quick beer because he was pissed at his W. My W acted normal and did not flirt once.

Yesterday I was mounting a TV on the wall in my bedroom. I was missing a tool so I went outside and saw my neighbor. I asked him if he had one and he said yes and went and got it. When he came back over my W went over to his house to be with his W. He started talking to me - he told me that my W has talked to him a number of times lately and he thinks we are going to be ok. He said she seems to really want to work it out. He said that she told him she just needs to get rid of this pit in her stomach and she'll be better. I was pissed that they were talking about all this so I said something to him. He said that she just walked over the day before and started talking about this.

She then calls and says that she is ordering chinese takeout for evryone. When she gets back my neighbor had already eaten but decides to have a second dinner. Because he and his W were over the boys wouldn't eat with us. All I could think of was that - here we are again. My W started acting a little different. She was talking about getting a tattoo just above her ankle (I almost had a heart attack - she would normally be the last person on the face of the earth).

I went to bed last night very sad. The highs and lows are just unbelievable. The boys seem very sad so i took them to breakfast this morning and went into work late. They told me that all mom wants to do is get rid of them and hang around the neighbors. They said that they are actually tired of this sitch and have had enough. They said they just don't care about her anymore. I dropped them at camp and cried my eyes out. I just don't know what to do.