Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[MP53]

Well, I don't think you blew it Rusty, just be careful, because it's very hard not to attach expectations to the act of being sexually intimate. I've had countless friends continue with some sort of sexual relationship with their WASs only to find that it didn't repair things. And then they were hurt even more by not reconciling.

It's sort of a non-truthful way of dealing with things anyway, IMO, in that you are telling him that this means nothing, it was just for fun, and things can continue the way they have been, when I suspect your real feelings are that it might change things and that it did mean something.

I'm no expert (obviously) and this may be a means of re-establishing communication, of the most intimate type, between you. It has to be done carefully though, so I'm thinking that perhaps booty calls should be kept to a minimum?

I'm hoping a guy would chime in here and tell us how it would make him feel. Cause, apparently, I don't know how guys think.

Hope you're doing well today, Rusty.

[Rusty]

You are absolutely right -- it definitely means more to me than it does to him. But I feel like I can handle it. When we were "dating" almost a year ago - that was a big deal, but I hope I am beyond that. I do like the ability to connect with him on some level and I know he knows it is more to me, but I am just not going to allow it to hurt me. I won't make any more booty calls, at least for a very long time, I am hopeful though that he will.
I do have a hard time being married and trying to have a relationship with someone else - it goes against everything I believe = but I don't want to let life slip away from me either. I pray alot about this, and I keep coming back to the marital vows and all that... what does anyone else do with this sitch?

[MP53]

Well, the good news is that he's still attracted to you and enjoys the sexual aspect of your relationship. I envy you that.

I think I agree with you on the marriage vows thing. It would be really difficult for me to be with anyone else, even though it's been 5 years, because I AM still married to the guy.

I think I see lots of positives in your sitch, Rusty. You still have lots of contact with your husband, you are making strides to understand the dynamic of your relationship and maybe what got your marriage to the breaking point, and he seems receptive to hear you and see your changes.

That's awesome.

[Rusty]

I don't know if it is awesome or not. He seems so comfortable with being without us. And he has said so many times that he just doesn't feel love for me anymore. That I killed it over the course of our lives together. He has no interest in believing I have changed. I know I need to put actions to the words and I am trying to do that, but he is the type that, just out of his stubborness, he would not come back or have a R with me, because he said it was over and he meant it. Does that make any sense? That is my worry. When he called me a year and a half ago and said he thought he had made a mistake and wanted to see how we would be together, I of course pushed too much and after 10 months, he wanted back out. I think I was even worse then than I was when he first left, because I thought we were doing very well. So I carried on for months, until I found this site. The basic begging, how could you do this to me, I hate you...etc. I think at that point he made a commitment to himself that he would not hurt me again, so I don't think there is any way he would come back even if he saw significant changes. He also says he fears coming back and then wanting to leave again and doing this all over again to our kids, especially D.
So I guess my point is, if I am stuck in this sitch and I don't feel right about dating or having a R (sex) with someone else, what are my options other than to try to be with H?

[MP53]

Rusty, he feels some love for you, or he wouldn't have come over.

People get "in love with you" and "love you" confused all the time. Our society thinks love should be based on chemistry, attraction, etc, and really, true love is something else.

I guess I would advise you to make the changes in yourself for YOU, and get the life you want for YOU, and maybe H will want to follow along.

Being happy with yourself, not needing another person to "complete" you, is what makes a person attractive. And you will find great joy when you are living your life for yourself and being the person you want to be.

[Rusty]

Yeah - the "in love" and "love" thing is way overrated! My pastor said it best to me. Love is an emotion that comes and goes, like anger, joy, etc. In the church we talk about commitment, not love. Because Love is a commitment to continue to make a decision to love. I really believe that once the chemistry, attraction, etc, wanes a bit, it takes commitment and a decision to continue loving no matter what. It's a concept that, I agree, society just doesn't get anymore. Relationships seem to be so dispensable now.

[Tink]

I didn't want anything more than that, and that is true.

Yeah. Not true.

Congrats on having sex with him again. I don't agree that you should not put any expectations on it. I once blew a situation because a friend told me that and so I acted that way and then the guy thought I wasn't interested.

Rusty, this R in my opinion is definately salvagable. He obviously really loves you. If you change you have an excellent chance of restoring things. But you have to be 100% committed to the R.

Right now I hear, Oh I don't know if I want him, he's a child, etc. That kind of stuff is the old you. If you want him then go for it:

Practice DB,
Practice SW
Get your butt immediately on that board
And when he initiates another "date," accept and get a dinner in their before the sex by saying something like I think I'll be hungry first. So he can initiate the offer of dinner.
Let him see your new skills and then you will be working on the R from an emotional and sexual level.
If you give your 100% you can have a happy marriage. Make that 110%.

Tink

[Rusty]

Thanks Tink - I was waiting for your take on this. But did you read the part about his stubborness?? That is my concern. I guess DB & SW will help me get through that?
We just had a situation with our S - 22. He came over for dinner sunday night and brought me his bills to help him get back on track. His gas has been turned off and he was a day away from electric going also. I helped him, but I am really worried about his drinking. I called H Monday am, and they are supposed to meet today,but I was hoping they would meet last night. When he told me he wasn't going to meet him until today - I started criticizing, but then I did the SW and said "Whatever you think." I was so proud of myself!!!
I am on the SW board, but so far don't see alot from it. I don't think I know how to use those things very well yet.
I don't know if he will initiate anything, and he really hasn't called me at all since we were together. He seems to have backed off. The conversation about our Son was the first one and I just kept it about that and was pleasant, although worried.
What should me next step be? You say to be 100% committed to the R, but how without pursuing? What would you say I should do now? Nothing? I'm not sure.

[Rusty]

Update - yesterday H called me three times just to tell me something funny or he was frustrated about something and wanted to vent. I was very friendly, listened and told him I knew he would do the right thing about the frustration. (Tink - what a great little SW I have become....or am becoming!) I hope this is progress, but the urge to push him was strong, but I resisted. I think if I can just let him alone and come around on his own, maybe we can move a little bit forward??

[Tink]

LOL Rusty you ARE leaving him alone and he IS coming around on his own. What do you think those THREE phone calls in one day was! And the fact that you showed him that you have the utmost faith in his decisions is why he's coming around! brava to you!