i'm clueless....

[ann25]

and last, but certainly not least...

Hi Dom!!

You're in the same situation you were in before, but greater pressure.

yep! And while he's gotten better with the girls, he's gotten worse with me.

1. Defend boundaries for yourself:

you are absolutely right. I know that i let him get away with a lot just because it takes so much work to deal with him otherwise. I know it sounds silly, but he hurts my feelings. I cry and then i hurt physically, cause i tend to get really bad migraines when i cry. I know i need to deal with it though. I'll write about my day yesterday in another post.

2. Build positive time together. Get babysitters, and go do stuff with him, away from the children. waaay more than you have been doing.

We have actually spent more time together with just us in the last month than we have in the 3 or 4 months before that. My sister has been watching the girls for us alot. We spend the trip to whereever we are going with him telling me something that i haven't done well enough and me telling him that i'm doing my best.

And here's a new one:
Dont put him in a position where you're trying to get him to lie to you, to make you feel better about yourself.
Stop asking him how you look. Let's be honest: you're probably kinda a mess right now, and you will be for some months.

sooo, this one surprised me. It's not that i'm asking him everyday or anything. i've asked maybe 3 or 4 times in the last month. and really, if i'm 100% honest with myself i'm not a mess, i look waay better at this point after delivery than i did with either of my other daughters. I'm wearing my regular clothes and i have lost more weight than i put on in the first place. But, you are right that i need to stop bugging him about it. The only reason i'm upset about it is because i have an expectation and i know better.

I told you that if you didnt fix things before the baby, it will be so much worse for you. You didnt fix em... things are now much worse.

I did try. I can only do so much alone...

You probably could do very well if you got some joint phone counselling together.
Not only would you benefit from the advice but I think that if you found one that you both "connected" with, then the counselling itself, could become a "joint venture" to bring you closer together.

It sounds to me like your greatest need right now, is not to overcome any intrinsic relationship difficulties, but "only" to reconnect again closely.
(which is really really difficult with a new baby.... but I think you can find a way together somehow, if you both decide to work on it)

Hang in there. Dont give up on your family.
Giving up on your marriage, is giving up on your family.

The counseling thing is a no. I don't ask often, but i did ask a couple weeks ago. he said "i'll never want to try that again, so you (me) shouldn't bother asking about it" It's a nice idea, but he's just not willing.

I do agree that we need to get closer, but it's hard when i don't even want to be around him.

I do need to change what i do around my husband. i have a lot, but i need to do more.

thanks dom, as always your advice is appreciated

[ann25]

alright, so i'm frustrated and hurt and i can't really stand my H anymore, but i came back before i got back to work because i can't live like this anymore. I want my M to be better for my family, but i almost don't even care about it just for me. I feel like if it wasn't for the fact that it would hurt my girls so badly, i would be gone... that being said, i don't want to feel like that... help

one thing that i've realized about my husband is that his idea of a long day and mine are different. When i was working, i was gone about 12 hours. I worked 8 of those, had a 1 hour lunch and then drove about 3 hours... My husband's day starts whenever he gets out of bed, sometime between 9 and 11 am. he works for a couple hours and then most days, takes a nap. Then he works a couple more hours and is done. Don't get me wrong, he gets his work done, he makes sure all his clients are happy, but it just doesn't take him that many hours in the day. On average he works about 4-6 hours a day. I don't say anything cause if i could make that work for me, i would too, but it makes me struggle even more with the fact that he was always "too busy" to help me before and soooo tired from the long day he had.

Anyways, yesterday H decided at 4:15 in the afternoon that he wanted to leave in 30 minutes to go to my in laws. i told him it would take me longer than that, but i'd start getting everyone ready to go.

~I've asked him to help me get the girls ready lots of times, but he always tells me no, that it's easier if i just get everyone ready, then tell him when we are all done, so he can start getting ready while i get everyone into the car (3 car seats). He says since it only takes him 10 minutes to get ready, it works better that way. I've tried explaining that i would be faster all around if he helped some, but that doesn't matter.
So i'm getting myself and the girls all ready and after 30 minutes, he comes out of his office and is pissed off cause not everything is ready to go and the house isn't clean enough for us to leave. He storms around the house for a little while, says some hurtful things and then he says that he has to get away and get out of the house, so he was leaving. He kissed the girls goodbye and left. He went and got some fast food and drove around some and then came back...

When he got back, he asked what was wrong with me, so i told him... I told him that no matter how hard i try or how hard i work, nothing is ever good enough for him. That i'm tired of feeling like if i don't do something exactly how he wants it that i have to apologize for it. We went back and forth some and he said that it's my own fault that i misunderstand the things that he says and that i have no one to blame but myself for thing not getting done. I told him he was right, that i shouldn't let him make me feel bad when i'm doing my best.

He said that i have all day to get the house clean enough. My house is not dirty by anymeans, i'm proud of how well i keep it, but he's just not. I told him that if all i had to do in my day was clean the house, i could get it done exactly how he wanted it, but I do laundry, i give baths, i cook breakfast and lunch for everyone, i breastfeed a baby which takes a good 3 hours out of my day everyday, I try to do activities and play games with the girls so they don't feel like they are all alone and so they can learn something, I pay all the bills and handle any thing else that needs to be done and i'm a full time student. I don't have a problem doing any of that, as a matter of fact, i enjoy it, but i don't just sit around on my butt all day thinking of ways to dissappoint him. (sarcasm, bad ann, i know)

He argued with me a little more. Said something about how he wished he could just leave, but he knows that i'd probably be talking to someone else while he was gone, so he couldn't trust me to be alone. That hurt, but it's my own fault. I told him that he needed to start spending time with his family if he didn't want it to fall apart (in the last 2 weeks he had spent more time with his dad and step mom, than us) and that his girls needed him more than he was giving. He sarcastically said is this one of those arguements where later you'll come back and say well i told you i was unhappy...

i told him it was, that this was me telling him i wasn't happy and that things need to change. He said "or what, you'll go find someone else again" i told him that will never happen again. That it was the biggest mistake i've ever made, but that i will not live like this and i would only keep having this same conversation so many times before i won't be willing to have it anymore. He was really pissed... about 30 minutes later, he apologized and said that he just had a bad day. I told him i can understand that and if he wants we can talk about it, but he can't take it out on me. he said he knows.

something else that's funny. My sister is having issues in her 6 month old M and i was trying to tell her things to do now before it gets to where i am. Her H is pretty much like i let mine be 5-6 years ago. I was telling H about it, just to see what his reaction would be and he said that it's just wrong for him to treat her like that so early in the M, she should come stay with us for a little while, to show him what he'd be missing. that made me laugh... we didn't have time to talk about it, but i'm going to ask him how he thinks that relates to us when we do have time...

ok, i probably missed some stuff and vented a little and i don't really think it was productive cause he's back to normal this morning, but at least i said what i wanted to say.

ann

[Dom R]

~I've asked him to help me get the girls ready lots of times, but he always tells me no, that it's easier if i just get everyone ready, then tell him when we are all done, so he can start getting ready while i get everyone into the car (3 car seats). He says since it only takes him 10 minutes to get ready, it works better that way.

boundary time!.

Stop accepting this from him.
Yeah, of course it's easier.. FOR HIM!

Next time HE wants you all to go somewhere... insist that HE get the girls ready... or you dont go. dont back down.

When he got back, he asked what was wrong with me, so i told him... I told him that no matter how hard i try or how hard i work, nothing is ever good enough for him. ...

good opportunity for positive confrontation there... but an opportunity missed.
You had a conversation about "feelings".
That doesnt usually work on men.
If you had a conversation/confrontation about, "you dont help me enough" [a conversation on actions ] it might have been more productive.

That hurt, but it's my own fault. I told him that he needed to start spending time with his family if he didn't want it to fall apart (in the last 2 weeks he had spent more time with his dad and step mom, than us) and that his girls needed him more than he was giving.

I'll repeat something that I offered to you a few months ago:
you need to stop trying to "fix" his relationship with your children, and instead focus 100% on his relationship with you!!!

You cannot (and in some ways, should not) try to "fix" his relationship with his children. That's his choice to make, not yours. That is between him, and them.
YOu cant fix it, and you are only pissing him off when you try !!

In contrast, his relationship with YOU, has "you" in it. That is therefore your business

He sarcastically said is this one of those arguements where later you'll come back and say well i told you i was unhappy...

i told him it was, that this was me telling him i wasn't happy and that things need to change.

"things need to change", is one of the worst things a wife can say in a marriage. It's one of the worst, because the wife thinks she's actually "stated her case clearly", but from the man's perspective, it's as clear as mud, he has no idea what to do, so he feels justified in doing nothing.
[when faced with an unreasonable demand, it is "reasonable" to do nothing, in their opinion].


I would like to suggest to you, that you need to focus on stating very clearly to him, specific things about what needs to change, about his actions, as they relate to your relationship with him.

"helping you with the girls" could be in that category, so long as it is only about you, not about "him spending more time with/bonding with your girls", or "being a better father", or anything other than "his relationship with his wife".

I have to point out, though, that him helping you with the girls, may make you feel better about HIM, but does nothing to help him feel better about YOU. So I would suggest also including some desired actions from him, that could make him also feel closer to you.

PS: and you might also go get some MC for yourself, even if he wont go.

[Tomato]

Hi Ann

I really hope that this was a good day for you. You seem to be due for at least one. As always, Dom does a fantastic job of providing sage advice for you. Although I know it is very difficult, try not to feel overwhelmed. Pray often and I will be doing likewise for you.

[ann25]

I get all that Dom, i really do. Maybe i just don't want it to work as much i'd like to think i do. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i just don't want to have to work so hard by my self anymore.... gotta go..

ann

[Dom R]

Maybe i just don't want it to work as much i'd like to think i do. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i just don't want to have to work so hard by my self anymore.... gotta go..

Then... tell your husband that. Exactly that, in exactly those words. And do nothing more, until he does. Let him decide to put in his share of the work, or not. It's long past time that he did. He's being a lazy bum right now.

Then either way, treat his as his actions warrant.

[ann25]

Just a really rough couple of days... thanks Dom... and everyone. i'm sure it'll get better, it has too at this point. Can't get much worse

ann

[Tomato]

Good morning Ann

I hope and pray that you are coming out of your bad stretch of days. Think positively and do your best to "act as if". Things are going to work out. Just believe. The Lord is working on his heart. I will be praying for that. Do not bury your feelings away. Not that you aren't already, but be concise when you talk to H. Explain clearly and without emotion that you are tiring of doing so much hard work on your own. Be sure to point out that you are grateful for the help when he provides it to you and that you could really use help in these areas:

A - >fill in the blank
B - > " "
C - > " "

Smile some even if it doesn't want to occur naturally. You have worked hard and you should be proud. Good things are going to happen. The Lord's abundant sunshine will brighten your day. I will be praying for Christ's healing hand to be placed upon you and your family. Delight in the salvation provided for us by Christ. For he alone is magnificent.

[ann25]

I so appreciate everyone's support... you are a great group of people and i pray that amazing changes happen in your Marriages.

I don't think i'm going to be posting so much anymore. At least not for now. I'll probably read up on some of your sitches and offer advice if i can, but i think i'm done.

In the matter of a month, i've gone from wanting to work on it, to not wanting to work alone, but not giving up to being completely hopeless...

I just want out. It hurts to bad everyday to live like this. I'm not going to leave or anything yet, but i'm probably going to sit down and put a timeline on how long i'll live like this with no change in him. i just can't continue to hurt this bad on a daily basis and have him blame it on me. He says it's my own fault that i'm unhappy and that our M is what it is... he's right, so now i'll just have to see what will make me happy.

if someone has some good advice for me and you think there is a way to beat it into my thick head... that would be fantastic cause i've never been a quitter. I just can't keep feeling like this all the time.

I was and still am willing to let the me loving him again take as long as it takes, i would never rush that. I do have to put a limit on the amount of verbal abuse i'll put up with.

We took my Ds to dinner for their birthday and she didn't want him to come in (she told him and i had nothing to do with it) cause he kept hurting me. She said that even though mommy hides when she crys it still isn't nice... He asked if i put her up to it... it's not fair to my girls to let them think this is a healthy R and it's not okay with me to live like that...

ann

[Dom R]

I don't think i'm going to be posting so much anymore. At least not for now. I'll probably read up on some of your sitches and offer advice if i can, but i think i'm done.

In the matter of a month, i've gone from wanting to work on it, to not wanting to work alone, but not giving up to being completely hopeless...

I just want out. It hurts to bad everyday to live like this. I'm not going to leave or anything yet, but i'm probably going to sit down and put a timeline on how long i'll live like this with no change in him. i just can't continue to hurt this bad on a daily basis and have him blame it on me. He says it's my own fault that i'm unhappy and that our M is what it is... he's right, so now i'll just have to see what will make me happy.

Urk.
This is a fairly strong post. I hope you read it all the way through, and consider it as a whole.

He's only partially right, Ann.
It's his fault, that he hasnt treated you better.
It's your fault, that you havent insisted he treat you better, and tell him HOW he can treat you better.

Ann, you're deliberately setting yourself up to be a WAW, if you arent already.
You are knowingly keeping yourself in the position of,

• If things keep on like this, I will not stay in this marriage
• I will not do MY PART, of what it takes to change the course of the marriage for the better.

So, you are choosing to "passively" destroy your marriage.
Doing it "passively", doesnt make you any less responsible for it. Having a good marriage, takes daily work. Deliberately choosing to not do the work, is deliberately choosing to destroy your marriage.

Your children need a family. A mommy and a daddy, to live with them every day.
If you don't "feel like" working on it for yourself... work on it for your children, to give them what they need the most.
You can help them, by helping yourself have a better marriage.

Reminder on what you need to "work on" to make your marriage better:

• (you should probably be seeing an MC)
• Identify the top (2?) most important things you are lacking from your husband right now
• Identify the top (2?) most important things you need your husband to STOP doing right now
• Confront him, with *specifics* about the above things. With words along the lines of something like, "I'm feeling miserable, unsupported, and unloved by you. This is the most stressful time in my life right now. I REALLY need these things to change. This is what I think you could do to make that happen ....

If he brings up the "or what, you'll leave?"
Then tell him the truth. Tell him, "yes, if things dont change, then I will".

If he puts it in terms of "or what, you'll find someone else again?" Please be sure to tell him, "no, i'll just leave".

I strongly suggest that you see an MC, if nothing else but for one session to work out in more detail the best way to confront your husband about it.

He may react initially with "Fine! Then we'll get a divorce!"
However, if you stay calm and dont escalate your side, making it clear that's not your preferred choice, then I think he will choose to work on HIS PART of things, after he cools off.

Your husband does care about you, Ann. He's just being a selfish, ignorant bozo right now.
So, educate him