Is there a glimmer of hope for I'mstillhopeful ?

[I'mstillhopeful]

THEN I started to DB...and the rest is history. H and I were just talking about all of this last night and he said he could feel that something was wrong with him and as time went on he began to miss me.

Hearing the perspective of a MLC'er who returned is so valuable. Thanks for sharing this information with those of us who are wondering what our WAS might be experiencing. It's interesting that you are able to discuss that time with him and that he remembers it. Somehow I thought that the MLC'er is in a somewhat altered state during that time and might not have the capacity to recognize that something is wrong. It is affirming that your H could recall it, and, that he is able to tell you about it.

I think the reason he missed me was because I would not give an inch into what I was doing in my life...I was secretive and always looked good when he came over.

Yes, I'm getting quite a bit of mileage out of this too. He has asked me some questions but I've been vague. I will be going to a niece's wedding and since it will cost about the same to take the train and to rent a car as to drive I've been doing Priceline. H is able to check our joint e-mail account and I don't know if he's seen the unsuccessful bids yet. I will ask him if his offer to stay with the dog is still open. Doesn't matter if he does, it's just a great way of letting him know that I am not pining. (At least publically anyway.) And yes, I am really looking forward to taking the trip - even if it's only for a weekend.

Truth is he would pick up the girls and I would look good and he would pull out of the driveway and I would change into PJ"S and watch stupid TV all by myself.

I could see myself doing that. We don't have children but I understand the desirability of just relaxing in comfort at home.
When H was still living here I made a point of being out a lot, dressing up and being very active sometimes I just wanted to curl up by the fire.

I was very lonely at the time but part of me enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. When I was alone I would cry and have a pity party for myself but I think I needed that to make me stronger.

I have been a bit lonely recently. I signed up for something on meetup.com although there isn't much in my area. The one thing I'll probably do is 70 miles away.

Just an opinion, but I would not bring him the list of things he wants. If he wants them, let him come to get them or go out and purchase new things on his own.

That bears thinking about. I certainly understand that I should not be rescuing him by making his situation easier. He has said that he had been "overly accommodating" to me in the past I was hoping to turn that around by accommodating him a bit. This is when the DB gets tricky. I will set limits with myself what I will do though.

I think maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you did not meet last night. I think it is good that YOU were the one that had to cancel. Maybe H will realize that you are not at home pining for him to come back.

In some ways it was a good thing. However, Sunday is not a good day to meet H since ESIL (evil sister-in-law ) drives 35 miles to meet him at church, go to lunch, and give him moral support for his recent decisions. She moved from another State to be closer to him. (My DB coach refers to it as emotional incest.) Before she moved here and when she would come to visit she would refuse to come to our house, instead staying at a local motel and H would visit with her there. (I was never invited.) Once I asked him why she declined my invitations he replied, "I don't know, she's an odd one. Once she has a grudge it doesn't change." She is still holding a grudge against her younger sister for something that happened when they were in grammar school. I'm not sure, but I think she was jealous of the younger one who was more spirited and definitely happier. The ESIL (I know I shouldn't think of her in that way) also avoids family gatherings when a certain brother is going to attend. I know what happened in that case, when they were children (many kids, little parental supervision) one brother dared her to take off all her clothes and run around the house. He locked the door and she couldn't get in and has never forgiven him for that. Knowing about these patterns on her behalf made me just accept that she was probably jealous that my H was spending more time with me than with her. There are three girls, one was known as the "smart" one, one was known as the "pretty" one, and the one in question is the "other" one. The one whose mother said she should plan on marrying a nice man who could take care of her. She has been very active in helping H settle into his new apartment. Taking him to yard sales and auctions - something he always thought was a waste of time. (We have a house and a huge barn filled with furniture, some antiques, some things he brought with him.) He has always complained that we had "too much stuff" I agree, but now he's buying tchotchkes (sp?) I don't say a word. Just compliment him on being a black belt shopper.

Thanks again, I wish there were a way that those of you who have been through H*** and back and have restored your marriages could have some kind of benefits from the organization. It is when people like you, saffie and ImLin comment on my situation that I have renewed hope/energy. Your words have been a balm to my soul and have given wings to my spirit.

[I'mstillhopeful]

hoosiermama,
Thanks for wishing me luck last night. I have some comments for you on your situation, however, wanted to let others respond first.

Update on the dinner with H:
He called at 3:30 to suggest we meet at a very casual restaurant at 5 p.m. I followed my Coach's suggestion and did a 180 by telling him that the meal would my treat. I had cash in hand so there would be no mistaking that I might be using a joint credit card. I told him that I was disappointed that it wouldn't be a better treat for him. (The entire meal cost about half what I was prepared to pay for wine at the other restaurant.)

Toward the end of the meal, H told me he hadn't changed his mind and that he would not be traveling with me. I calmly accepted it, asked more about what made it uncomfortable suggested we tell our friends that we had made some changes and that was that.

In the parking lot he returned a lamp he had taken with him to repair, I gave him some of the things he had requested. I also gave him a few dozen fragrant roses from the heirloom rose bushes we have been planting and tending over the years. Oh, yes, also a DVD that a friend had made of our April trip. H and I are in about 40% of it and we appear to be having an absolutely fabulous time.

As we parted I left in a direction which was not my usual route. I could see my H watching to see which way I was going. I was more numb than anything. I was resigned to the fact that he cares so much for OW that he is trying to create a clean slate so their future will have promise.

When I logged on to the computer at 8:30 I was amazed to find an e-mail from him. "I just wanted to thank you again for dinner. And the roses, they are incredible...and, Thanks again for dinner. I will consider what you said about telling our friends yet still travel together. I am not sure."

[hoosiermama]

Wow--good work! You did all the right things and you definitely got his attention. The roses were a very nice touch, especially if he has had an investment in growing them in the past. Good thinking! He may be trying to create a clean slate for OW in terms of his emotional connections (geez, how are they so able to just cut things off so completely?) but--at least for a little while--you had his attention. If you end up traveling alone, be sure to have a few shots of you having a great time without him so that you can be showing him those along with the scenery and stuff.

As for my thread--lots of readers, very few posters besides you. So it may take awhile for others to respond! Go right ahead.

[I'mstillhopeful]

I hope everyone has the happiest Fourth of July possible. (Except, of course for our cousins across the pond. ) Today I'll be going camping with my little four legged "buddy". He has never before slept in a tent, he's a little deaf, and he isn't particularly bonded to me, since his heart belongs to my H.

I hope we both survive. Just kidding, the mosquitoes might be rather intense, I hope they don't carry him off.

[saffie]

How did the camping go?

[I'mstillhopeful]

Hi Saffie,
Thanks for checking in on me. I'm sorry we weren't able to connect when I was in your vicinity in April. I did try telephoning you just to say hello and to thank you in person. (Both of my mobiles don't indicate my name on the display so your phone probably blocked them.)

The camping/cycling weekend went very well. I found that I wasn't at all lonely and realized that as long as I have animals in my life I will be in a better place. (I'm not sure horses will be in my future though.)

Last weekend I did something which is not usually done in this country. I travelled to a wedding using only public transportation. Part of the fun was to locate a B&B which was on a bus route and between the wedding and the reception. I even arrived at the wedding by bus although I did accept a ride to and from the reception.

For anyone who has been following my story, H has been intrigued about my whereabouts the past two weekends. However, unfortunately he is standing firm about not taking the last two trips with me. He did offer to pay for his portion so that I could take both of them. I don't feel that I should accept his largesse and, although I have been looking for someone with whom to share my accommodations I'll probably have to let that one go.
The deadline is in a few days and I'm just trying to observe the situation with a certain interested detachment.

[The Wifey]

I'mstillhopeful,

I think he should pay his share and then you should go on those trips and have a fabulous time. How were you to know he was going to lose his mind in the meantime?

Great job on the DB'ing. I'm still working on it and I'm not as good as you are at it.

[braveheart]

ISH, I have been reading your thread and I want to applaud you for your efforts. In saying that, let me alert you to a few things. First, whatever you do will probably not have much of an impact on the overall situation. I don't mean for that to sound negative to you, its just how it is. He isn;t worried very much about you or what you do or don't do, its all about HIM. What HE wants, what HE is going to do, HIS "future" LOL I laughed at that last remark, because you are probably going to discover that he will end up in a MAJOR mess before this is all said and done. Sad thing about it is, unless your H is a remarkable man, he will not admit his past mistakes during all of this, its been my experience that the vast majority of people who go through this will continue living the lie so to say. To elaborate on that statement, most folks would rather live miserable the rest of thier lives rather than admit they screwed up. Its sad but true, hang around here for awhile and you will see that.

[I'mstillhopeful]

ISH, I have been reading your thread and I want to applaud you for your efforts. In saying that, let me alert you to a few things. First, whatever you do will probably not have much of an impact on the overall situation. I don't mean for that to sound negative to you, its just how it is.

Braveheart I think you are absolutely correct. When I look at the whole thing objectively I realize that there is really very little chance for our M. He has said that we had many great times. We had very few bad times he just started to drift away and, a predatory married woman was able to make a favorable impression on him and he believes he has found his soul mate. Once he has told enough people that we have decided to separate it is unlikely that he will change his direction. I don't know how far back you read on my thread, but when I was younger and more beautiful he left to pursue his next degree. He completely turned his back on a 2 year live-in relationship.

because you are probably going to discover that he will end up in a MAJOR mess before this is all said and done.

Yes, and sadly, should he return at some time in the future, a broken man, in need of shelter I would take him in and care of him even if there was no hope for a relationship. He has been my friend and partner for most of my adult life.

Sad thing about it is, unless your H is a remarkable man, he will not admit his past mistakes during all of this... Its sad but true, hang around here for awhile and you will see that.

Yes, that is reality. I obtain great solace from the advice people give me about my situation and my DB coach is great. However, it is a little depressing reading some of the threads where people are at first optimistic and then begin to gradually come to terms with the fact that WAS go beyond the point of no return.

I am an optimist and I am a realist. My H has flaws. I have come to accept them over the years. He is a narcissist, he likes to think of himself as "the good guy". He obtains that type of affirmation all day long in his work as his patients/supervisees tell him how wonderful he is. The OW advised him to be "honest but kind" when dealing with me. She had written to him that I would "be a fool to not fight for him". Maybe that is what I am doing.

Each little bit of positive interaction with him feels like a victory. At one point he did say he still "has feelings for me". Clever don't you think? That could mean anything.

Last week I agreed to leave some of his mail in his car while he was seeing patients at an office in our town. He had left a note wishing me a nice day and advising me to drink plenty of water due to the heat.

I had a rather distinctive canvas purse custom made several years ago. He had replaced it once or twice over the years. When we had dinner he offered to take my old one which is now worn out to have another one made.

Objectively, my only success will be forging a life for myself although I will continue to stand for my marriage until the very end. I appreciate it that you have followed my thread. Should a miracle occur I would like to be one of those who is here to offer hope that sometimes, against all odds...

Well, I just won't go there right now.

[girlfromipanema]

ISH,

Yours was one of the very first threads I read when I found this site in late February... I read and read and read sitch after sitch well before I registered.

One thing that has always impressed me about you is your unwavering loyalty to your husband and marriage, despite his painful actions/words. Dealing with a narcissist is no small feat. Most narcissists seem to cut all ties and make the final decision without giving any concern to the partner he or she is hurting. I do believe he is very confused but that he does still care for you.

I'm glad you enjoyed your camping trip. I share the same sentiments about animals. As long as I have my animal friends, I'll never feel unloved, harshly judged or completely alone.