New thread, new phase?

[TwinDad]

Julia,

He uses it against me now too. That is why he doesn't text back etc. He knows that I resent it and almost holds that against me. What changed to make you not resent it now? Do you have any ideas about how I can stop being held to ransom by it?

I think the first step would be to stop viewing it this way, that you are being help ransom by it. Lets face it, I don't care how busy his job is, if he wanted to text you back right away he could....certainly wouldn't take two days, this is a coice he is making, possibly because he is having a very hard time dealing with the sitch (afterall he hasn't run out and filed for D, he hasn't made great strides towards fixing the house, etc....he isn't done yet). I would also guess that is why he is burying himself in his job.....an escape/wall. I was afraid my W was going to do this when we seperated....fortunataly she didn't and it allowed her time to think.

Probably the biggest thing that changed was our M fell apart and we were on the verge of seperating. I figured I could play the chicken and egg game as far as who was right and who was wrong about the career and its affect on our life. We both knew we had a part in it. I just chose to end the vicious cycle.....to forgive the past and move forward. Letting go of resentment is a choice, holding on to it is usuallly a pride issue. I usually ask myself.....do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Lately I have been going out with her work friends and having a great time.

I am so proud of that bike; I love it and what it means. It is so me and he chose it without me hinting or anything, he thought of it off his own back. I wish I could have seen that last year.

It came from the heart......... As someone that has always put a lot of thought into a gift for my W I can say, having it rejected like that is very hurtful. Not saying he didn't have his part. One approach you may want to take is the appology route. Check out Ladybug's thread in sep....she did this and it has worked amazing. If he happens to bring up your birthday in this meeting. Don't be ashamed to say something along the lines "yeah, it made me think about the bike you got me last year, I really apprciated it, it was a very thoughtful gift" If he makes some remark about how you didn't react that way then, just validate his point, don't force him to take ownership for his part (he knows what he did, and you know he knows). BAsically say what you wrote here.

I'm really going to try and work on subtly making him feel appreciated again. He's a man who likes to achieve and he feels like he is failing with regards to me and 'can't live up to' what I want/ need.

Excellent 180 and game plan, looks like you are starting to get some good insight into the problem as well!