Do you have any suggestions for assisting the low sex drive spouse in establishing a desire to want to change?
lowrob,
I don't think I always wanted to change. In the beginning of our marriage I told my husband he was the one with the problem. It was probably a few years ago that I thought I might have a problem. Did I want help? Really only when we had fights about my low desire did I want to make a change. Then a couple days would go by and I just couldn't bring myself to initiate or be affectionate. I chaulked everything up to growing up in a verbally abusive house.
So I'm sitting here trying to think of what it was that made me want to change. I think it was the simple fact that I love my H and I want to be with him forever. Let me tell you that nothing, absolutly nothing, not any book, talk show or article has ever impacted me like SSM.
I have wanted to change my low desire for several years but, never accomplished crap! H never made any changes either so the vicious circle went on.
When my husband told me he wanted a divorce last week it was the first time I thought I HAVE to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. He said he wanted a divorce because he felt I didn't love him. He also was looking at porn and chat rooms online and actually called a chat skank on the phone. He lied to me about all this and thought how could I forgive him, he thought I would leave.
But, I didn't. This is the second time he looked elsewhere. The difference is that this time I found SSM. Your w needs to read that book. Maybe Michele should make a subliminal tape of the book that way spouses who refuse to read can at least "hear" the messages.
Here's the most important thing that happened to me when I read the book: I actually heard what the high desire spouse is feeling when I reject him. My H and I are very open and talk alot. He tells me all the time that when I say no every single night, he thinks I don't love him, that he's not attractive etc... I deny these things because they simply aren't true. He doesn't believe me. You know the story. When I read the feelings of the high desire spouse in the book, I was sort of removed from the picture. The high desire wasn't my spouse. I couldn't jump to my defense because it was just words on paper. The stories in that book helped me to really let my H feelings sink in.
Now I know what I have been doing to my H for the past 8 years. I am truly sorry for the way I made him feel. I wish this book came out 8 years ago but, then again, I probably wouldn't have bought it because I was in denial. The first step is admitting the problem.
I don't think you w needs to admit she has a problem, just that there is a problem. And there is an obvious problem, you feel like your missing something is your marriage. That's a problem in my book!
When I finished SSM, I told my H that my heart went out to all the high desire people who had a low desire at home thinking that there are no problems.
This book has changed my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think "maybe I'll read a book and get my desire back". But I did and it did. It's only been a week, but I know things are different.
Every time I "tried" to fix my problem before it only lasted a day or two so I think this time is for real. I will always be happy to give you my two cents just hit me with your questions.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your wife. Just know that it is possible for things to turn around. One day her eyes will open just like mine did. Get her to open that book!
