This is really hard on my conscience. Will God forgive me for not taking her back?
Look at it this way, Tom. Will God ever forgive her for what she's done to two marriages and who knows how many other people?
God saw you giving your all to your marriage and smiled on you. You've got nothing to prove to Him. So, now it's more about whether Tom wants to forgive you.
I like all of the ideas above about putting the ball in her court. Instead of trouble with your conscience, maybe focus on the realities of what that list would truly be, or if it would truly be.
Maybe I'm out of line here, but I remember from my own situation, my biggest struggle with my conscience came when I had the realization that I was in a relationship with someone, but could conceive of a scenario still that would lead me to take my ex back. It wasn't until I could no longer imagine anything that would make me want her back that I felt comfortable with a new relationship.
...hard to imagine myself ever getting to that point, though
Donna, that statement right there clearly signifies that you are not ready for anything else. Remember the feeling, when you no longer have it, then the time is right and no sooner.
Ian, I'm trying to remember...did you once say that you would consider reconcilling with your stbx if she did the necessary work, even though you are seeing someone?
I guess I am trying to tease out the line of "being ready." I do know that, without changes, I don't want the man my x is today. And it looks like he is determined to stay this way for the long-term.
Might be a moot point for me, anyway, as I have pretty much decided that finding and building a new R is too much time/work right now with my schedule and having the kids. I'd rather have the time with them (they only sleep away 4 nights/month) than rearrange the schedule to allow for more me time. That may change in the future, but that is my priority right now.
Ian, I'm trying to remember...did you once say that you would consider reconcilling with your stbx if she did the necessary work, even though you are seeing someone?
Yes I did, and my girlfriend is completely aware of it. I told her that my kids and my family are very important to me and if that time came, I would act. She also understand that Carrie would have to do a whole lot of changing before that would ever occur and that I am not sure Carrie is even capable of it.
I also have told her that in time that may change, I do not know how my feelings will progress with her, or anyone else for that matter. Only time will tell right?
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I guess I am trying to tease out the line of "being ready." I do know that, without changes, I don't want the man my x is today. And it looks like he is determined to stay this way for the long-term.
Exactly....... they will never be the same person again, but they sure as hell better not be who they are today.
I have come to understand that what we originally wished for may not be in God's plan. By that I mean that the only thing that we pray for for a very longtime is to have our marriage restored. Then we come to a fork in the road where we have to understand that maybe this all happened because it was supposed to and accept it. For me that was the end of the road as far as my standing went. I'm Catholic but a wonderful minister said to me that he believes that we go along in life given all of these wonderful gifts, but we get so into everyday life and the superficial that we never slow down and give thanks. We let life go by and take it all for granted forgetting why and how we have these gifts at all. He said that this is God's way of evening things out and bringing us back to what is important. I know that I didn't quote him as elegantly as he expressed it but I immediately understood. I know that from this came a gratefullness & faith that I haven't felt in quite a longtime.
I don't think that God ever has one plan for our lives. Has this journey changed you for the better? Of course it has. You most likely look at everything in a different light. I believe that if this is meant to be then it will and I also believe that you will know it.
Thanks for the wise advice everyone. I do know that if I ever considered reconciliation, there would definitely be conditions. However, I'm not there at this time and don't know if I will ever be there.
You know Beth, I'm Catholic myself and I listened one Sunday afternoon to my parish Priest speak about change in our lives and how God is a progressive God. It's not his intent that everything stays the same. Idleness and complacency can be harmful to the human experience. We don't evolve or mature spiritually without these changes and challenges. As humans, we resist change because we are comfortable with the status quo. God wants life to be a challenge and a test for us. It wasn't meant to be comfortable or predictable. He sometimes pushes us out of our comfort zone to embrace a change that is good for us even if we may not know it at the time. It's one big lesson plan for our character. I don't think I'm being as elegant as he put it either, but it inspired me.
I have nothing but time, so I'll see what the future brings. If I could only notice some change in her. She's drinking to much, her heart is still hard, and she is still so very confused about so many things in her life. I honestly have compassion for her, but not attraction at this point.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I have nothing but time, so I'll see what the future brings. If I could only notice some change in her. She's drinking to much, her heart is still hard, and she is still so very confused about so many things in her life. I honestly have compassion for her, but not attraction at this point.
Tom,
I could have written that. I am going through the same thing right now with my ex. The thing that I have noticed though is that it's still all about him. "I'm lonely". "I have nothing". "I didn't think it would be like this". Funny thing because we all warned him and he didn't want to hear it. But change???? Real change?? If that were the case and his heart had softened shouldn't the converdstion go something like , "I'm sorry that I hurt you and the kids"? Short and sweet. I've not heard anythig like that.
You know I vividly remember that day I talked to him and said that his heart was so hard and all he could say was that it had to be hard when it came to me. I didn't understand how someone could do that then and I sure don't understand it now.
