Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

I initiated the last one, after 2 weeks of silence. The last 2 times we met, I was all business and he initiated the affection. I responded back. (Request for hugs, and this thing he did by reaching out and running his hand down my arm and then hugging me). I think his own "weakness" to allow himself any closeness to me mighta scared him so he's backed off big time.

Matter of fact, I initiated this last one, but he's as of now stood me up. He was supposed to phone last night, and we were supposed to do breakie this morning. No call, and no call this morning. He DOES have to have contact in the next couple of days because he has to give me the money he agreed to each month.

I still bounce hating him to I love him. (well the old him), not this a/h emotional coward and liar he's become.

Will that man ever return, did he ever really exist? The hardest part for me is to keep my mouth quiet. Not declare that he's an capital A/H and what he can go do with hisself and that it's "OVER", if you know what I mean. It's 2 months in, no matter what I feel, no "telling" is the hardest part, especially when I feel like this and really would love to tell him what I think of him, his parasite g/f, his lies, what he's done to me, us, his reputation and just about anything else I feel like venting about, if I were to get on a roll. *smile* But alas, I *must* just stay the course and stay all business, pull back even from the requests for affection etc. Be "very cool" etc.

Time to slip into "dark gray" I think, July gives me lots of evening opportunities to go to open air music shows, some meet and greet type blues open jams where I might even meet my "guitar guy" hehe.

I also juggle between positive thinking and wanting to let the Alanis Morrisette in me come out and write the songs that are just under the surface. I've got the feeling I have a whole deluxe 2 album "set" of my own Jagged Little Pill type album in here somewhere. Allowing those songs to come out kinda scare me. I don't want to get into that place emotionally where I've tried so hard to crawl out of. He's taken my music away from me. *sigh*

Better get to the rest of this "cleaning"/setting up the place.
Abbey