Hi Purple, I just wanted you to know that I have tried to read most of your stitch this time around....don't know who you were before, but doesn't matter. What does matter is that you know that you have a support group and I think that is growing here.
I know we mothers put our lives on hold and will put our happiness aside and almost anything else for the sake of our children. However, I do not believe in staying in a R where there is abuse. My sister has been M three times. The first M she suffered physical abuse, the second she suffered sexual and mental abuse, and this last one....I guess you would call it mental b/c he degrades her all the time until there is nothing left of her. She doesn't have the backbone to stand up for herself. She has a child with him and has stuck it out all these years b/c of the child (which is grown now) and b/c she had been M three times already. But, I could not have put up with a man treating me the way he treats her.
Back to your stitch.......I am concerned about the way he was so presistant in having sex with you. It sounded like you gave in to his presistance more than you desiring to ML with him. Also, he did not wait long to have other women and even went to you all torn up about the break-up of one of his OW! That would be hard for me to handle!
You said you seem to have lost yourself when you were with him. I think I can understand what you mean by seeing what happened to my sister. I saw her lose herself b/c she was afraid to think for herself and walked around on egg shells. No matter what she said or done she knew he was going to find fault in it. When he had a bad day (which was almost every day), he took it out on her. I believe when some men know they can kick a woman around like a dog, they will do it. They don't have respect for a woman that will allow anyone to walk on them.
Your H sounds very controlling to me. Have I misunderstood that part? It is like he is saying that he doesn't want to give you time to work on yourself and want to hurry this thing along or he has to move on with his life. Do you think it is b/c he can't do without a woman long enough to give you the time you need? Some men can't live without a woman b/c of the high sex drive, but also, men with low self esteem need a woman that they can verbally or mentally abuse in order to make themselves feel more important or valuable. It is a sick way of doing it, but I believe that is what it boils down to. If they don't cherish and respect their own W, and she has been loyal to him, then he usually has low self esteem. Some men just show it in a different way from women. They bluff their way through life fooling a lot of people, but they know in their own heart the truth and they can't handle it, so they take it out on the one closest to them.
I haven't given you any advice, but I just wanted you to know that I am here to join in your support group, if you want me to. Our stories differ but it doesn't matter, b/c we both are women and can understand where the other one is coming from. I think it is important to get your self esteem built up. If you don't have the courage to face your H to talk to him, that tells me a lot right there! Maybe you need to see an IC before the two of you going together for MC. That's just my POV for whatever it's worth.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
