Late night. Not sure if I'm going to ramble or not, but I've definitely had 1 too many gin drinks.
W called tonight. She wanted to let me know that she'd be coming back to town and returning my truck early. I also think she's feeling lonely - field assistant left yesterday. We chatted and caught up and expressed interest and all the other things we always do whenever we talk. Whatever. I never thought I'd be discounting the most meaningful exchanges I have, but love or lack thereof can do funny things. I deserve better and I'll find better. It hurts so bad, because I care for her so much and we relate so very well, but she has her own demons.
And of course I have mine and I need to make sure I'm dealing with them.
And so the world turns and it's already another work week when I haven't even caught up from the last one and I just feel tired of everything. I feel tired of people calling, of emailing, of asking me questions. i feel tired from the expectation. I feel tired from the lack of ability. I feel tired.
But I AM healing. I'm mourning and I'm healing. I can be a terrible flirt - will be the first to admit it. And that helps. That sort of sexually-loaded joking that will never go anywhere but it's still fun to experiment with.
No great insights. Wish I had some. But I don't. I'm just some shmoe plodding along trying to do the best he can with the resources he has.
