W reached out to me again tonight w/ a text message conference about our feelings. I think I did a better job this time focusing on her feelings and not defending my past actions as I did w/ our last conversation. Well, here is what went down:
NOTE: If I'm going to keep DBing her, I have to NOT bring up myself when we talk. The focus has to be on her feelings and getting her to express those feelings. So, I do apologize, but I try to do it in a way that lets her know that I'm listening to her. I also tried hard not to explain - defend - my actions. It was tough, but I think I did ok.
The story... W sent me a text while I was running on the treadmill at the gym not to give out any of her personal information to anyone. I thought she was accusing me of something, so I asked her about it and asked her to let me know what I'm being accused of doing. W called me right away and told me an ex-student of hers was stalking her and had professed his love for her.
This is something I had thought from the beginning w/ this guy, but W said it wasn't like that and I trusted her judgement. Well, unfortunately I was right and he has flown in twice and tired to see her w/out warning. This information is what started our conversation.
I answered her text and put "...and if he really knew you, he'd know you hated surprises." W replied: "no f-ing sh#t. Shocked u remember that."
RTL: "I remember a lot of things about you." W: "no."
RTL: "What does no mean?" W: "u didn't notice. u didn't know me...u didn't love me."
RTL: "I'm sorry I allowed you to feel this way. I always loved you but did a terrible job of showing it. The proof is in how you feel I never cared. I wish we could go back so I could prove it to you. You deserve to feel wanted, secure, and loved. I didn't provide you with that and for that I'll be forever sorry." W: "F*ck! Are u trying to break me? Trying to punish me? You aren't sorry you hurt me. You are only sorry that I left you."
RTL: "No, I'm not trying to break or punish you. I am sorry I hurt you. That is what I'm sorry about. You left me because you didn't feel loved. You left because I didn't show you how I felt. I'm sorry that I hurt you and didn't do a better job. I'm sorry I was asleep at the wheel. I woke up, but it was too late. I'm not sorry you left. I'm sorry you felt you needed to leave." W: "I can't do this 2nite." RTL: "That is ok. I am available to discuss this and anything at any time. Just let me know whenever you have questions. Have a good night."
Ok, the main thing I don't like is my use of the phrase "I'm sorry." The thing is, I don't know of an alternative to use that will make sure she feels like I'm listening to her feelings. I know I'm not the only one to blame here, but I was putting more effort elsewhere when we were married as I took my family for granted. So, I really am sorry for hurting her and for not showing her how much I do love her. The problem I don't want to appear weak by saying it too much. On the other hand, I want to make sure she feels like I'm listening and hearing.
Any suggestions on a substitute to "I'm sorry"?
I think I did ok. I do sense W is still conflicted about us and she still has feelings for me. If anything maybe I can make her think about her decisions some day in the not to distant future. I'm still going forward w/ the D as she has laid out b/c she has a long way to travel to be back w/ me.
I'm open w/ her and how I feel, but I'm only extending 1/2 way. She either decides to fill the other 1/2 of the gap, or we go our separate ways for good. Regardless of the route, I'm going to make sure I'm going down swinging. I need this for me and for my D as I want her to know I'll fight for love w/everything I've got.
I'm interested to hear what you all think.
So, that's my interesting night. Did anyone have as much "excitement" as I did?
