Rob, You sound like a totally invested competent Father. You might think of not speaking to W when you are with your D. She just seems to be snooping as what you and D are doing and then is critical. If your D goes through than the best thing you can do for your D is help her adjust to the fact that you and W have separate lives. The constant contact with your W when she is with you and visa versa is not helping her. I just think maybe you are both using her to keep up contact with each other. Coparenting does not mean codependent. One of you needs to drop the rope or stop the D proceedings. This must be emotional torture for you, because you feel she your W has the power to say what happens. Don't mean to be harsh, just telling you what it sounds like from the outside. Which I know very well is hard to see when you are involved in conflict. Hope you had a great weekend with your D.
I appreciate every thing you post, so never worry if you think you are being too harsh or anything. I do try to limit my contact w/ W as much as I can when I'm w/ D, but she seems to contact me frequently and it is becomming clear that she pumps D for information.
As for co-dependency, I am working on detaching my feelings from her and not letting her actions dictate how I feel. She does have some control over how I feel b/c of the current situation, but I often let her have too much control, which isn't good. I do realize this which helps me deal w/ her much better.
I do think that when the dust settles, I'll be able to face things w/ a much different, and healthier, perspective.
W reached out to me again tonight w/ a text message conference about our feelings. I think I did a better job this time focusing on her feelings and not defending my past actions as I did w/ our last conversation. Well, here is what went down:
NOTE: If I'm going to keep DBing her, I have to NOT bring up myself when we talk. The focus has to be on her feelings and getting her to express those feelings. So, I do apologize, but I try to do it in a way that lets her know that I'm listening to her. I also tried hard not to explain - defend - my actions. It was tough, but I think I did ok.
The story... W sent me a text while I was running on the treadmill at the gym not to give out any of her personal information to anyone. I thought she was accusing me of something, so I asked her about it and asked her to let me know what I'm being accused of doing. W called me right away and told me an ex-student of hers was stalking her and had professed his love for her.
This is something I had thought from the beginning w/ this guy, but W said it wasn't like that and I trusted her judgement. Well, unfortunately I was right and he has flown in twice and tired to see her w/out warning. This information is what started our conversation.
I answered her text and put "...and if he really knew you, he'd know you hated surprises." W replied: "no f-ing sh#t. Shocked u remember that."
RTL: "I remember a lot of things about you." W: "no."
RTL: "What does no mean?" W: "u didn't notice. u didn't know me...u didn't love me."
RTL: "I'm sorry I allowed you to feel this way. I always loved you but did a terrible job of showing it. The proof is in how you feel I never cared. I wish we could go back so I could prove it to you. You deserve to feel wanted, secure, and loved. I didn't provide you with that and for that I'll be forever sorry." W: "F*ck! Are u trying to break me? Trying to punish me? You aren't sorry you hurt me. You are only sorry that I left you."
RTL: "No, I'm not trying to break or punish you. I am sorry I hurt you. That is what I'm sorry about. You left me because you didn't feel loved. You left because I didn't show you how I felt. I'm sorry that I hurt you and didn't do a better job. I'm sorry I was asleep at the wheel. I woke up, but it was too late. I'm not sorry you left. I'm sorry you felt you needed to leave." W: "I can't do this 2nite." RTL: "That is ok. I am available to discuss this and anything at any time. Just let me know whenever you have questions. Have a good night."
Ok, the main thing I don't like is my use of the phrase "I'm sorry." The thing is, I don't know of an alternative to use that will make sure she feels like I'm listening to her feelings. I know I'm not the only one to blame here, but I was putting more effort elsewhere when we were married as I took my family for granted. So, I really am sorry for hurting her and for not showing her how much I do love her. The problem I don't want to appear weak by saying it too much. On the other hand, I want to make sure she feels like I'm listening and hearing.
Any suggestions on a substitute to "I'm sorry"?
I think I did ok. I do sense W is still conflicted about us and she still has feelings for me. If anything maybe I can make her think about her decisions some day in the not to distant future. I'm still going forward w/ the D as she has laid out b/c she has a long way to travel to be back w/ me.
I'm open w/ her and how I feel, but I'm only extending 1/2 way. She either decides to fill the other 1/2 of the gap, or we go our separate ways for good. Regardless of the route, I'm going to make sure I'm going down swinging. I need this for me and for my D as I want her to know I'll fight for love w/everything I've got.
I'm interested to hear what you all think.
So, that's my interesting night. Did anyone have as much "excitement" as I did?
In place of the "I'm sorry" you could substitute "I regret this ....and I now understand much better how that made you feel when I acted that way." I have a deep disdain for the universal use of the expression, "I'm sorry". I think it is a way overused expression and it tends to water down the genuineness of it IMO. It is a huge pet peeve of mine. I will only say it when I am sure that it is what I am truly feeling in my heart. I think a lot of people say it in a superficial way. Anyway, I will hop down from my soapbox. I hope this day has been great for you and that you continue on your path of growth and better understanding of yourself and the world around you. Peace be with you, Rob.
