Hi Merrick and thanks for the post. I have met with this l before and she seems very competent. I will definitely use your advice to get some good input from her on how to proceed.
I agree with your philosophy on patience. I definitely started out this journey wanting to know that I did everything I could to save the marriage. Unfortunately, over time, I realized that I don't want to be married to her, not who she is now nor the person she was when we met. So, anything other than proceding with divorce is not really patience, just avoidance!
In response to your questions: 1) Why would your W give you primary custody when she would lose child support payments? Don't think she will, it would be more of a tactic to get her to negociate which she refuses to do at this point, hence my L appt. Otherwise, we'd be working with a mediator.
2) Why would she accept no alimony when she has no job? a. She has a part time, work from home job. b. She had a real job offer, but turned it down! I have given her 18 months to pursue ANYTHING, even offering to pay for training, and she has instead used this time to pursue her affair and nothing else. c. I believe that FL law takes infidelity into account in alimony determination.
3) Why would you get to keep the house and split everything else?By "keep" the house, I mean that I will include house equity split in the offer, refinance with higher principal and keep living in the house. This is contingent upon having the kids, otherwise, I don't want the place.
4) Why would she agree with any of this? Because she is so lost that she cannot even verbalize what it is that she wants. I think there is a significant probability that she will not even respond to my filing and let it become final as written.
5) What arguments could W make that you have quit on the marriage and are trying to abandon her with nothing? I think she believes that I emotionally abandonded her and that this justifies her actions. She would get a very significant settlement by splitting the assets, so the last part is not an issue.
6) Has W been an attentive and caring mom to your boys or has she shirked her responsibilities to the kids? She is mostly physically present (except for the week or so that she spends out of state with OM every month). However, much of her time has been spent on the computer, didn't sign kids up for any summer activities for example. In the past few weeks, this has improved a bit, but MLC is not particularly conducive to being a good mommy!
7) Are you willing to engage in a custody fight where the court appoints someone to represent your kids and they are brought into the middle of a custody battle? Nope, I just want to get her to the bargaining table.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD, Merrick brings up a lot of points. My x and I did a collaborative divorce, which is (supposedly) a cheaper and less adversarial way than trial. We came away with a settlement that is LEGALLY fair, not morally fair. Here in CT, they try to have each party leave with equal assets that will also allow each to move on with independent lives.
I got the house. I also had to take on all of the marital debt, and only a small portion of the 401k. He got his car, motorcycle, camper, some small personal items that he left, the original furniture that he left with, didn't have to repay the $ he used to set up his new apartment. But it left him very cash-poor. I get a little over the state guidelines for child support, and 200/week for alimony for 8 years (half the duration of the marriage; typical). I also saw a reduction in support by $150/week, overall.
Neither of us got everything that we wanted. It is a case of everyone loosing, it is just finding out how to loose evenly.
Anytime a disagreement came up, both lawyers told us what a judge would typically grant or not grant. I don't think I would have fared better if it had gone to trial. But I also had his guilt on my side; I think his L pushed him to stand up for more points than he may have been inclined to, but it also means that it is unlikely that we will have to go back to court, thinking that one or the other didn't get a fair shake.
Good luck with it all--it is a PITA, and most of the work will land in your lap. I agree with AG, in that it is probably better that way. Be prepared first, and let her respond.
