Withdrawal of OM and coping

[sandi2]

Mark, I disagree with you 100%. If I told my H that I was fantasizing about the OM that I had an EA with....it would not make him happy one little bit. Most of men's sexual fantasies are about some picture of a sexy woman or someone in "general", but with women, we are more specific in "who" we fantasize about. I understand what you are saying about sharing fantasies and if you have a fantasy about being kidnapped by a pirate and your H dresses up like one and plays it out.....but this is NOT what I'm talking about. I am talking about a man I thought I was in love with and I fantasize about him making love to me. Now do you think if I told my H that, he would find that exciting and want to play the role of the OM? I don't think so! He would be furious and then storm into the other room and maybe out of the house b/c I am suppose to be over all of this.

I learned by listening to the tapes of the Secrets of a Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch that there are some fantasies that can be shared and some that can't. For an example, if my H had a fantasy about screwing my sister, I would not find that very helpful in turning me on. If he knew that I was fantasizing about having sex with his brother, I doubt he would like it very much. But, if we shared a fantasy about the postman coming in to make a special delivery.....that would be different b/c it is more of a role play and doesn't get "personal". Do you see the difference? I would not dream of hurting him more than I already have by telling him that my mind drifts off about the OM making love to me instead having sex with my H. That kind of "sharing" is harmful in my opinion. I believe all humans are capable of having those thoughts and have to learn to have control over it, but I rather not know who my H is fantasizing about having sex with......if it is a real person or even a movie star, b/c that is too personal....it is too "real". In fact, I read of a famous Hollywood couple that broke up b/c she made a comment about a leading man (who happen to be their friend at the time) playing in a part. The H got jealous and one thing led to another until they got divorced.

Anyway, I can see where you are coming from. But I know my H and he could not take the idea that I was fantasizing about any other "real" man....especially the OM that I had an EA with.

We always trusted each other and shared with each other except for that. I know it is best to stay quiet about it and work it out by myself....I have to b/c my H would be unbearable to live with. It is getting much better and that is what I want to offer encouragement to other W's that has had this same problem when involved in an affair. You have to learn not to do anything to "feed" the fantasy. I don't have to tell you what that is....everyone has their own thing that starts it to rolling. I usually have to wait until I am almost alsleep on my feet so that I will not lay in bed and "think", but fall asleep right away.

Anyway, that is my POV, for whatever it is worth. Hope it may have helped somebody.

Sandi