Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Dr LOve]

Good luck H4

H

[Hope4us]

Well, about as I suspected. WW "likes it here" and doesn't want to move even though S16 is miserable. Here's the conversation as I can best remember it. The sequence may be off, but this is the jist.

me: What do you think about S16 wanting to move to hometown?

WW: Why does he want to move?

me: He hates it here. He misses hometown. He recognizes the schools are better in hometown.

WW: Who says he hates it here?

me: He did.

WW: He doesn't hate it here.

me: If he doesn't hate it here, why do you think he's been in hometown for over a week and still hasn't said he wants to come home?

WW: He's having fun.

me: Exactly. He's in hometown and he's having fun. When was the last time he had fun here?

WW: He has fun here.

Not much point in pursuing that any further as she just isn't getting it. So I continued...

me: He also recognizes the schools are better.

WW: The school here is fine.

me: There is no way you can say this school is better for him than hometown's school.

WW: This school is good.

me: Ok, maybe this school is ok, but before we moved S16 was a straight A student and now since all this crap started his grades have gone to he!!.

WW: He just didn't like his teachers.

me: Um..exactly. School stinks.

WW: Whatever.

me: Why are you against moving back?

WW: I like it here.

me: You hate your job.

WW: I like my job, just hate my boss.

This is a fabrication. She has told me she hated her job since the day she got here. Just two weeks ago she was looking for a new job. Willing to give up a very good salary, 401K, 5 weeks vacation and a great retirement because she is so unhappy, but now she doesn't hate her job....yeah, right.

me: Well, I'll be honest with you in what I feel. I haven't talked to OMW for a long time, but the last time I talked to her she told me that OM thought he would be coming back here in a couple years when his contract is up at his current location and you want to stay around until S16 graduates and about that time OM will come back here and you'll tell the kids "see, I tried with dad and it just didn't work, but look how happy OM makes me, can't you accept him"?

WW: I don't know anything about that.

me: You'll excuse me if I don't believe that.

WW: Well, it's the truth.

me: Let's assume we stay here and put our marriage back together and OM comes back in a couple years. If he came back we would have to move IMMEDIATELY. There's no way I would be ok with you going to work everyday in the same location with OM. You'd be back in bed with him in a minute.

WW: (looks at me like she doesn't understand why that would be a problem).

me: If OMW is right and OM is coming back here in a couple years, what's the difference if we move now or in a couple years? S16 is miserable, I don't like it here and OM will possibly be returning so why not move now?

me: If you're afraid that if we move home our marriage will return to the way things were before, I can tell you they won't. Even though you never told me there were any problems in our marriage before starting your affair I have heard what you have said bothered you and there is no way I would want to go back there either. I've been working on those things for a while now and don't want to go back there either. I want our marriage to go forward and be great. I don't want to go backwards.

WW: (just looks at me).

So, that's pretty much where our conversation ended. A short time later I saw her TM'ing. Knew it was S16. About a half hour later I went to take S19's bike to get a tune up and on the way I called S16. Asked him what mom had said. He told me she was trying to convince him he was happy here. He told her he wasn't, he was miserable and wanted to move home. He said to her "If a nice house and shopping is more important to you than us being happy, then that's pretty sad." WW told him she "think about it".

So I said to him "what do you want to do if she won't move? Do you want to go without her?" And he said "if a house and shopping are more important to her than ALL of us being happy, then maybe we should just go without her". I also told him what OMW told me about OM possibly moving back here and he got pretty angry and said "maybe I need to tell her again that I will never talk to her if she EVER get's together with OM".

So...to be continued. Soon after I got back from dropping the bike off she started talking about our upcoming family trip to Florida and some other stuff, but then she got quiet while reading a book. Later in the afternoon I told her I was going out to get something to eat at what was our favorite restaurant (pre-affair discovery) and told her she was welcome to come along if she wanted. Of course she said no.

So I went out for a while and thought and thought about how this is just another example of how self absorbed she is. S16 is miserable and all she cares about is herself. And then more and more examples came to mind where for a large part of our marriage, everything has been about her. And this affair is just another example. Did she think once about her kids and our marriage when she started sc*ewing this guy? Did she think about his kids and wife when she started sc*ewing him? And once she finally admitted it to me she CONTINUED to rub it in my face. And how can she not see how this has all affected her kids? I could go on and on, but it's pointless. I just am having a really hard time trying to figure out why I am even trying.

S19 TM'd me later and asked me if S16 was pulling his chain about maybe moving and I told him no, he was serious. I told him the jist of the story and he said to me "maybe you, S16 and I should just move home and get on with our lives without her".

It's just so sad. Children are more mature and can see things more clearly than a 47 year old mother. And to be really honest, right now I'm ready to move on. I just don't know that I can say I really want her to agree to move because I'm pretty much used up.

I told S16 I would give WW a day or two and if she doesn't say anything, I'll ask again and see what she says. If she still doesn't want to move, then S16 and I have a decision to make. It's just so sad that a 16 year old has to make a decision on whether to continue living with his mother or move away from somewhere he's miserable and back to a school/social situation that he KNOWS is best for him.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

S19 TM'd me later and asked me if S16 was pulling his chain about maybe moving and I told him no, he was serious. I told him the jist of the story and he said to me "maybe you, S16 and I should just move home and get on with our lives without her".

H4U, maybe you should talk to an atty to find out what the legal ramnifications of this are? I wouldn't want you to do anything that might screw up your case, but I think this may be your next play, I really do.

She is lost. It's time to let her feel what it feels like to be let go.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

I might have to do that, but I'm not sure it's necessary. If work transfers me, my job will take me to our hometown. S16 is old enough to decide who he wants to live with so I'm not sure how much of a problem it would be.

In my line of work, people get transferred quite a bit and many times one of the couple will stay behind while a child finishes school etc, so this is not really a new concept for us. Heck, WW's family did it a couple times themselves. Her step dad got transferred and her mom and siblings stayed behind to finish up school etc.

Of course, when the time comes I'll ask her if she wants to do it nice or nasty. If she wants to do it nice we can, but if she wants to get nasty the result won't change and we'll just spend a bunch of money we don't need to. But it's her choice. I grew up with NOTHING and we were a very happy family. I can be again, with or without money. But WW....she grew up with Step dad very high up in our company so possessions are IMPORTANT to her. If S16 and I move and she's stuck in a small apartment and can't go on her monthly shopping sprees, she's going to get a dose of reality really quick.

But not my problem. She said to me back in Feb when she first said she wanted a divorce that S16 could choose who he wants to live with. She wanted him to live with her, but if he picked me, that was his choice. I think at that point she was sure he'd want to live with her, but she was sadly mistaken....

I appreciate your advise Pup. It's just so sad that it's come to this, but suprisingly, I'm not that upset. I'm just ready to move on with my life, and each day it becomes clearer to me that moving on without her is what I want/need.

Who knows, maybe she'll say she is ok with moving. I know it's a long shot, but maybe....if she does, then I'll know for sure that it's over with OM.....ok, maybe I can't say that. She could move back with us and when S16 graduates she takes off to be with the POS once again.....

[fightingirish]

h4us..

Hey there,

well that was a messed up convo. She really doesn't get it. Wants to believe what she wants to believe. Im glad your S spoke up, that's great, what I don't understand is that she is not willing to help her own son get to a place where he is happy. For your S to say that he is willing to go without her says ALOT.

As a mother of two boys, I would be heartbroken if they weren't happy, and would do anything to change that. Why can't she just set her wants aside for a change? These Spouses are so self centered I just can't stand it.

You sound like your in a different place then you were. Your really detaching, and are very strong. I'm sure your son sees that, and that's great.

I hope she will wake up and see the light... for all of your sakes.

[Hope4us]

Thanks TAL. You're spot on.

I've wanted to move back to our hometown since I discovered her affair. There are just so many triggers that I'm in a pepetual state of anger. Even our house, which is a beautiful home on the top of a hill over looking the valley is painful for me to be in because of what it represents. But I've stayed here because previously S16 told me that he liked it here and wanted to stay. I think he was trying his best to convince himself that he did because this is where we are now.

And you and I are thinking the same. What parent wouldn't do everything in their power to make their kids happy and their lives as free of turmoil as possible? One that is F'd up, that's who. It's funny, when I have mentioned a couple of times moving back to our hometown, WW has said, but S16 likes it here and I'm not moving him again. But now that he realizes how miserable he is here she can't use that excuse and now "she likes it here".

You know, the more this goes on, the more I realize that I've been trying to keep this family together at the cost of my self respect and dignity. Now that S16 has said he wants to move back I find myself realizing that I was only staying here for him. I would still stay with my wife, even as roommates, if she'd agree to move home, but if she's not willing to put her own self absorbed interests aside for our KIDS, then I'm ready to move on.

Could this change? Maybe. If she comes to me and says she'll move I'm going to tell her not to bother unless she's serious about working on our marriage. If she's not serious about it I don't want to bust my a** and waste the next couple years of my life with someone who cares so little about her family and marriage that she won't even try.

I do think that if she says she's not moving she'll get a big surprise when S16 says "ok, dad and I are going without you". Maybe that will be the wake up call she needs to put forth a real effort at repairing our marriage. If not, at least we'll be home around family and real friends.

[Hope4us]

And one more thing. We knew when we moved over here this was a temporary thing. With my company they send people to field assignments for 2-5 years for the experience and then move them back to the head quarters office to continue the rise in the company. WE KNEW it was only a temporary thing and we'd be moving back in not too long. Heck, WW's mom was asking her a couple nights ago when we were coming back because we'd been here almost 2 years and that's the typical time frame for a field assignment of this type.


So if she doesn't want to stay here for a possible future with OM, then I have to think it's because she thinks things will return to the way they were pre-move and she doesn't want that to happen......

[Sara]

"Don't it always seem to go that your don't know what you got til it's gone? They'll pave paradise, and put up a parking lot."

Old Joni Mitchell song. Maybe before your time. But the message is still important. People can't see the value of what they have until they lose it. I would encourage you to take the boys and move back to your hometown. That is your best chance for her to see what she's got and if she values it. If not, then you haven't lost anything that you could have kept. Your son is very smart. I hope she can hear the message when it comes from him. My son was the same about us having affairs, but he put it into stronger language. He said he would kill anyone we had sex with. You know, that was very effective language. OW only had to hear it once.

[Hope4us]

Yes Sara, my boys are very smart. I didn't put in the whole comment S16 made to me when I told him about OM returning to our area in a couple years. He said "maybe I should tell mom AGAIN that if I ever find him around my mom I will freakin kill him".

And I know that song well. I use it all the time in a different situation. A great wildlife area I used to visit was turned into a park with lots of paved parking lots etc. That song comes to mind everytime I go by the place.

And I agree. I pretty much know S16 and I are moving, with or without her. I told both the boys that maybe it was the best thing. I'm sure if we separated she'd be going to see OM the first weekend, even if he's done with her (which I'm pretty sure he is). Maybe the reality of the situation will wake her up. If not, at least I've removed myself and the boys from her destructive influence. If she wants back in, it will be on my terms. If not, the boys and I can get on with our lives.

Thanks for commenting.

[fightingirish]

i think sara i right (she usually is by the way )...

If this isn't a wake up call I don't know what is. It will truly test how and if here family means anything to her and will give you some kind of closure.

Limbo land gets old my friend.