Would really like WAW your opinion

[Bridgestone]

She even insisted we make a list of all the changes in me since she had dropped the bomb.

W tends to take any positive factor and make an excuse for it not being important.

Were they the changes she needed you to make? Were they the ones that were important to her?

Must admit she has also gone through a lot of personal growth in the last four months.

And as one changes, how one views the world & those that are in it with them, change as well. My view of 'husband', 'friend', 'wife', 'parent' have all changed as I have walked this path for the past 18 months.

Those pieces of mosaic tiles we use to build 'ourselves', that allow the world to see us for what we are, have changed. We have destroyed some, painted over others, removed & rearranged still more, some are the same old, same old ones- some old ones bright & brillant with their color & design, others dull, faded, subtle- almost hidden within the design. She is not the only one that has done this, you have as well.

While it's not like I have totally reinvented myself, seeing how I 'fit' into what was, is not something I can imagine. Seeing I fit into what could be with my H, is something I'm still trying out. His changes have been more recent, only in the past 6 months out of an 18 month ordeal (12 of which have been separated). When you lived with the 'old' version for 22 years, replacing that vision with new hope is difficult (at least for me).

As you pointed out, you have both made changes, and while you say you still love her with all her changes, she may not love who she is when she is with you, with all your changes, yet.

I'm not trying to hi-jack your thread here, but this as good as I can give you right now, as this is still unclear for me yet. I have tried to work through this a bit in counseling, but my counselor says because of the drains on my emotional, mental, & physical energies right now, I am not ready to 'deal'.

For me- the extreme negative emotions of anger & betrayal I have towards H and his treatment of me & our kids in our R for years- have to dissipate and there needs to be the asking of forgiveness & true repentance on his part, before I can give forgiveness, he understands that.

I see once that is done, then the getting on with 'are we compatible' walk that friends do, as they walk down the block towards intimacy, can take place without that lens of hurt & defensiveness in place.

However, I also know that the man he is right now is not enough for me, as I have changed to need things from a marriage that he is not (or cannot) provide to the level I need. He says I demand perfection & am too needy. And this is where I struggle with 'settling' versus 'being selfish'. And where my counselor says I am not ready to deal with this yet.

Does that make him a bad person? no. But right now he, with his new mosaic, is not the right man for me, with my new mosaic, to be in an intimate partnership with.

I really think she is unable to accept anything which would encourage her to try t our relationship.

She may just not be willing to settle for just anything either.

I'm just hoping that situation changes with timen

Then you are hoping for the right thing, because things do change with time. Just not always the way we may have imagined.

Peace