Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Hope4us]

Well, about as I suspected. WW "likes it here" and doesn't want to move even though S16 is miserable. Here's the conversation as I can best remember it. The sequence may be off, but this is the jist.

me: What do you think about S16 wanting to move to hometown?

WW: Why does he want to move?

me: He hates it here. He misses hometown. He recognizes the schools are better in hometown.

WW: Who says he hates it here?

me: He did.

WW: He doesn't hate it here.

me: If he doesn't hate it here, why do you think he's been in hometown for over a week and still hasn't said he wants to come home?

WW: He's having fun.

me: Exactly. He's in hometown and he's having fun. When was the last time he had fun here?

WW: He has fun here.

Not much point in pursuing that any further as she just isn't getting it. So I continued...

me: He also recognizes the schools are better.

WW: The school here is fine.

me: There is no way you can say this school is better for him than hometown's school.

WW: This school is good.

me: Ok, maybe this school is ok, but before we moved S16 was a straight A student and now since all this crap started his grades have gone to he!!.

WW: He just didn't like his teachers.

me: Um..exactly. School stinks.

WW: Whatever.

me: Why are you against moving back?

WW: I like it here.

me: You hate your job.

WW: I like my job, just hate my boss.

This is a fabrication. She has told me she hated her job since the day she got here. Just two weeks ago she was looking for a new job. Willing to give up a very good salary, 401K, 5 weeks vacation and a great retirement because she is so unhappy, but now she doesn't hate her job....yeah, right.

me: Well, I'll be honest with you in what I feel. I haven't talked to OMW for a long time, but the last time I talked to her she told me that OM thought he would be coming back here in a couple years when his contract is up at his current location and you want to stay around until S16 graduates and about that time OM will come back here and you'll tell the kids "see, I tried with dad and it just didn't work, but look how happy OM makes me, can't you accept him"?

WW: I don't know anything about that.

me: You'll excuse me if I don't believe that.

WW: Well, it's the truth.

me: Let's assume we stay here and put our marriage back together and OM comes back in a couple years. If he came back we would have to move IMMEDIATELY. There's no way I would be ok with you going to work everyday in the same location with OM. You'd be back in bed with him in a minute.

WW: (looks at me like she doesn't understand why that would be a problem).

me: If OMW is right and OM is coming back here in a couple years, what's the difference if we move now or in a couple years? S16 is miserable, I don't like it here and OM will possibly be returning so why not move now?

me: If you're afraid that if we move home our marriage will return to the way things were before, I can tell you they won't. Even though you never told me there were any problems in our marriage before starting your affair I have heard what you have said bothered you and there is no way I would want to go back there either. I've been working on those things for a while now and don't want to go back there either. I want our marriage to go forward and be great. I don't want to go backwards.

WW: (just looks at me).

So, that's pretty much where our conversation ended. A short time later I saw her TM'ing. Knew it was S16. About a half hour later I went to take S19's bike to get a tune up and on the way I called S16. Asked him what mom had said. He told me she was trying to convince him he was happy here. He told her he wasn't, he was miserable and wanted to move home. He said to her "If a nice house and shopping is more important to you than us being happy, then that's pretty sad." WW told him she "think about it".

So I said to him "what do you want to do if she won't move? Do you want to go without her?" And he said "if a house and shopping are more important to her than ALL of us being happy, then maybe we should just go without her". I also told him what OMW told me about OM possibly moving back here and he got pretty angry and said "maybe I need to tell her again that I will never talk to her if she EVER get's together with OM".

So...to be continued. Soon after I got back from dropping the bike off she started talking about our upcoming family trip to Florida and some other stuff, but then she got quiet while reading a book. Later in the afternoon I told her I was going out to get something to eat at what was our favorite restaurant (pre-affair discovery) and told her she was welcome to come along if she wanted. Of course she said no.

So I went out for a while and thought and thought about how this is just another example of how self absorbed she is. S16 is miserable and all she cares about is herself. And then more and more examples came to mind where for a large part of our marriage, everything has been about her. And this affair is just another example. Did she think once about her kids and our marriage when she started sc*ewing this guy? Did she think about his kids and wife when she started sc*ewing him? And once she finally admitted it to me she CONTINUED to rub it in my face. And how can she not see how this has all affected her kids? I could go on and on, but it's pointless. I just am having a really hard time trying to figure out why I am even trying.

S19 TM'd me later and asked me if S16 was pulling his chain about maybe moving and I told him no, he was serious. I told him the jist of the story and he said to me "maybe you, S16 and I should just move home and get on with our lives without her".

It's just so sad. Children are more mature and can see things more clearly than a 47 year old mother. And to be really honest, right now I'm ready to move on. I just don't know that I can say I really want her to agree to move because I'm pretty much used up.

I told S16 I would give WW a day or two and if she doesn't say anything, I'll ask again and see what she says. If she still doesn't want to move, then S16 and I have a decision to make. It's just so sad that a 16 year old has to make a decision on whether to continue living with his mother or move away from somewhere he's miserable and back to a school/social situation that he KNOWS is best for him.