I often get glimpses of what a difficult person I probably am. I have spent a lot of time posting on this site about my disagreement with the conduct of others. I feel I have been one-sided and blaming. This is not good.
In my experience, blame is an outworking of underlying self-pity. By blaming, we often then, by default, put ourselves in the position of victim. Continual blame keeps us victims. Prompting others to cosign our blame then forms an even greater fortress of self-pity around ourselves and keeps us stuck. We, in fact, can end up building the walls higher and higher and become worse in our state of self-pity.
This does not happen all the time. It is merely a phenomenon I witness frequently. Including in myself.
So I suppose my point is to simply say that I contributed a great deal to the demise of my marriage. I often feel pain about having done that. It used to be at the level of self-loathing.... gladly, now it is far less frequent and far less intense. Probably healthier too.... perhaps it can even be safely called healthy self-assessment.
In my threads, I have been pretty hard on my ex, the OM, and Church. Not one of these people or groups were responsible or could control the factors that I contributed to the demise of my marriage. I am responsible for taking charge of my moodiness, anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism, temper.
I think I have said all there is to say for the time being about the wrongs and hurts of others. Perhaps time for a new thread with a new emphasis on dealing with my own wrongs.
I have got as close to blame and self-pity as I feel is safe for the time being.
dropped the bomb after two C sessions in which she said nothing but she "wanted out"...........
Dodo... our exes must have taken the same course. Mine too packed it in after only exactly 2 sessions that were all about how all the problems were about me. Wierd eh?
Maybe 2 sessions is enough to appease their consciences that they tried. They didnt try. They made an appearance.
Whatever. I dont wish to harp on my ex too much more. Am glad to be through it. Just amazing similarities.
Ciao.
Chazz
Chaz,
I agree. I feel like my exW's actions have consumed too much time and attention.... She is not deserving of either.... I am going to focus on Wifey and our life ahead....
I hope and pray you find all of the best in your life....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Life continues to be fascinating. I have been listening to "The Secret" on CD. I drive a lot so have had lots of time to listen.
Pretty amazing stuff. Basically reminds me of the ultra-extreme prosperity message I heard in my church background, except the Secret takes the Western Word Faith Christianity flavour out of it and presents it from a generic spiritualistic standpoint.
Basically, "The Secret" refers to the Law of Attraction which states that we will attract to us whatever our predominant thoughts are. I totally agree with this concept. The Secret takes it to an extreme in that it basically says that the Universe aligns itself to give us what we think and believe for.
I do agree whole-heartedly with the Law of Attraction. I have seen it work in my life many times. As recently as today. I just find "The Secret" standpoint a little hard to get my head around. Not saying they are not correct. Just that I cant quite see the breadth of it like the teachers of The Secret profess to factually.
I ran into a naive Christian the other day. He came into our place of business and spoke in evangelistic christian vernacular. Dropped the usual hints about his faith. Wore a t-shirt designed to prompt questions.
Man.... I do not miss that environment. I dont disbelieve.... I simply am allergic to the forced prothelitizing of the faith. The whole promotion of it. Rather than just living it and let it be its own promotion.
So I am going through my facebook page seeing who is doing what and I come accross an old acquaintance of mine. He was in fact the counselor at the church where my ex and I took mandatory pre-marriage counseling in order to be able to be married at that church.
Funny thing.... I am now divorced.... and so is the counselor.
This was a large, high-profile Penetcostal church. This is so telling of the point of my original post. That the church as I have experienced it is does not have a realistic understanding of the state of marriages and what it takes to help keep them together.
This fellow, and let me clarify that it is not my intent to judge or malign him in any way, more that I am just further stating the point that continues to repeat itself to me.... this fellow is an ordained minister with a degree in counseling. He and his wife counseled probably hundreds of eager young wanna-be-marrieds. The principles and lessons they taught could not hold them together. Would one not think that a minister/counselor would have about the best odds of holding it together? They had a few kids too.
My point is not to knock the church. Merely to say that it appears to me that we need some greater understanding of what it takes to make a marriage successful and to save a troubled marriage than the what many churches think it takes.
I guess what makes it so much an issue with me is that the teachings were delivered so matter-of-factly. And often condescendingly. It was just plain ignorance.
Maybe I am just expressing my disappointment with myself for having believed the party line and professed it to others. (Meaning being an evangelistic Christian and part of a large church that professed to have so many answers).
I guess perhaps I ache for something better, more effective, more practical. In terms of building a solid marriage, I think I find more effective wisdom on message boards like these and in the teachings of people like Michele W-D, Dr. Phil, Dr. Gottman, and many others.
Maybe I am having a hard time reconciling my belief in God as I still do, with the failings and ignorance of the organizations that profess to be "his people" and his representatives.
Well.... as you may conclude by my perpetuation of this thread, I remain somehow disturbed over the whole matter. I cannot deny what I fundamentally believe... meaning the Bible.... it just appears to me to be true.... I cant get away from that or disregard it. I am just uncomfortable with the predominant organizations of people who attempt to represent this same faith. They seem so often like mindless cattle who have just as ignorantly bought into the same system that I once did.
I guess it doesnt help to see my XW and the OM togther in an organized "Ministry". Perhaps my cynicism is understandable in this context. I wish not to sound like a victim here. I am not beyond hypocrycy by any means.
So I am just now listening to a recovery radio program as I am replying to some threads.
Comentator made an interesting point... he said...
"To remain healthy.... I need to be willing to admit at any time that I am wrong if I am wrong".
To me, this kind of honesty is essential to growth. How much of our life energy do we spend trying to prove we are right without ever stopping to take a moment to take the blinders off and ask the tough questions of whether or not we are simply being narrow minded?
I am going through a tough time with my teenage kids. They believe some things about me that their mother has told them. This type of thing used to hurt me a lot and I would always fall into the tendancy and temptaion to defend myself and plead my case to my kids.
This time feels different. I feel that if I were to try to argue and prove my points to counter the hurtful things they believe, that I may miss some truth in what they are saying.
I am more prone these days to let life unfold, rather than steer peoples thinking to what I currently feel is the truth. Simple truth discovered on its own speaks more loudly than any well-crafted argument.
I am more prone these days to let life unfold, rather than steer peoples thinking to what I currently feel is the truth. Simple truth discovered on its own speaks more loudly than any well-crafted argument.
You are one smart dude, ... dude lol well said Chazz! love it!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I must pass along the compliment to those who showed me this simple truth. It is not a Chaz original!
Ya know... if it werent for the hell I went through... pain, divorce, drugs, booze.... I really do not know if/how I would have discovered the principles that make my life so much more manageable and serene like it is today.
Which brings me to another gem of truth that I heard and take to heart...
"A year of pain will teach you far more than a lifetime of comfort".
I wonder if this is not one of the universal principles as to why we see church growth and miracles more frequently in the third world than we do in comfortable North America?
I wonder if this is not in part why, for example, Pastor Sergio Solorzano has a church of thousands attend at a soccer stadium in San Salvador when many of our north american churches cant hold a congregation together.
I wonder if this kind of principle is why marriages tend to stay together in churches like this yet in N. America 50% of "Christian" marriages fail. I wonder if this principle is not in part to do with the miracles of healings and changed lives that are so commonplace in churches like pastor Sergio's? And this is only one example.
I wonder if they HAVE TO believe for what they need in their lives or suffer terrible consequences. Whereas we here in north america are cared for even if we never work, never believe, never get out of bed?
