Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

Hallelujah! More feedback! It's quaint how excited I got seeing the replies from you guys, sc, bridge and GFI.

I'll go backwards with my replies:

Bridge: I've heard of empathetic listening (man that word is hard to type!) and I agree with you wholeheartedly with your comment about how much we think we understand about what the other person said without checking with that person first. Is there a book or workbook on that empathetic (typed it better this time!) listening? This is one of the big things that frustrates me about h when I try open up, almost 100% of the time he misconstrues what I say and when I try and backpedal (because he takes it as me being final) he refuses to let me take my words back. It's that sort of behaviour that makes me feel that it is safer to close myself off and not say much unless I have too. Then of course I become emotional unavailable becuase I'm too scared to share how I feel. It doesn't help that a lot of my feelings revolve around anger and resentment towards h for a lot of the past. It's hard to bring them up and have him listen....he doesn't like that...I don't really blame him but I think it does need to be addressed. Our C doesn't think it helps to dig up the past but he doesn't know the details of what has happened so maybe he doesn't understand how much it affects things? Our C is basically suggesting that we go no contact. My h was pissed at the C about that becuase we had been getting on so well. He was also pissed with me becuase I seemed to be 'lapping up' what the C said. I guess I probably was, I was feeling a bit smothered but hadn't quite realised that I felt that way.

SC, I forgot to add on your thread that I'm pleased to hear D is recovering well. I'm so lucky my D hasn't had any hospital visits for a long time *cross fingers*. I hope it wont' be too hard for you guys to crank it back up to normal life speed once things heal. Good on you for your bit of nookie with h too!

SC I like what you said about the email. Yes it is my preferred way because I can type, think, edit, go away, come back, read it 24 hours later and if I still feel the same, hit send. I also detest phone calls because his not so busy times seem to occur during the day when I am at work and I'm just not in a frame of mind to have serious talks when I am in a cubicle environment with my boss 5 feet away. h thinks I'm putting work before him but in all honesty, I kind of have to at this point to make sure I can get through the day and keep my job instead of thinking about what to say to h all day. My boss knows the sitch (his daughter went through a messy D) and I think he thinks I should just move on instead of keeping trying to talk to him, so I can't help but feel like he's listening and shaking his head at my poor boundary settings.

Also with the writing thoughts down in email that really helps me too - along with writing on here. The thing is, if h finds out that I've been sharing my thoughts (again) on the Internet that pisses him off that I would rather share them with ppl I don't know instead of him.

GFI - thanks for the feedback. When I picked up d from him earlier he wouldn't look at me and hardly even said bye. I'm wondering if he's read my last text wrong - AGAIN. What should I do now? We have another mediation appointmetn tomorrow (which I think he would rather us do it by ourselves) and he has IC this Thursday. Then his b'day is next Monday. I am thinking of inviting him to dinner on the Sunday night b4 his b'day at an African restaurant that serves 1kg steak! He used to love steak, but I'm not sure if he eats it that much anymore so it might go down like a lead balloon (of me not paying attention to what he likes any more). I feel like I don't know him, never did, and never will.