It's good that your W admits your changes and says all that she says. IMHO it does sounds like she is very confused and maybe she gives a lot of excuses for still having to leave and run from the situation just so she won't have to face making some needed changes in herself. Maybe she realizes she needs to make some of her own changes and doesn't know how or where to start. Maybe since she sees that you were able to change and she isn't sure that she can measure up, maybe she feels inadequate. Just a thought. Just support her the best you can, work on yourself making your changes consistent and permanent. Most importantly turn it over to God and pray. God can do more for you than any advice you will get on here. Yes there is some good advice and support here too.
She even insisted we make a list of all the changes in me since she had dropped the bomb.
W tends to take any positive factor and make an excuse for it not being important.
Were they the changes she needed you to make? Were they the ones that were important to her?
Originally Posted By: everhope
Must admit she has also gone through a lot of personal growth in the last four months.
And as one changes, how one views the world & those that are in it with them, change as well. My view of 'husband', 'friend', 'wife', 'parent' have all changed as I have walked this path for the past 18 months.
Those pieces of mosaic tiles we use to build 'ourselves', that allow the world to see us for what we are, have changed. We have destroyed some, painted over others, removed & rearranged still more, some are the same old, same old ones- some old ones bright & brillant with their color & design, others dull, faded, subtle- almost hidden within the design. She is not the only one that has done this, you have as well.
While it's not like I have totally reinvented myself, seeing how I 'fit' into what was, is not something I can imagine. Seeing I fit into what could be with my H, is something I'm still trying out. His changes have been more recent, only in the past 6 months out of an 18 month ordeal (12 of which have been separated). When you lived with the 'old' version for 22 years, replacing that vision with new hope is difficult (at least for me).
As you pointed out, you have both made changes, and while you say you still love her with all her changes, she may not love who she is when she is with you, with all your changes, yet.
I'm not trying to hi-jack your thread here, but this as good as I can give you right now, as this is still unclear for me yet. I have tried to work through this a bit in counseling, but my counselor says because of the drains on my emotional, mental, & physical energies right now, I am not ready to 'deal'.
For me- the extreme negative emotions of anger & betrayal I have towards H and his treatment of me & our kids in our R for years- have to dissipate and there needs to be the asking of forgiveness & true repentance on his part, before I can give forgiveness, he understands that.
I see once that is done, then the getting on with 'are we compatible' walk that friends do, as they walk down the block towards intimacy, can take place without that lens of hurt & defensiveness in place.
However, I also know that the man he is right now is not enough for me, as I have changed to need things from a marriage that he is not (or cannot) provide to the level I need. He says I demand perfection & am too needy. And this is where I struggle with 'settling' versus 'being selfish'. And where my counselor says I am not ready to deal with this yet.
Does that make him a bad person? no. But right now he, with his new mosaic, is not the right man for me, with my new mosaic, to be in an intimate partnership with.
Originally Posted By: everhope
I really think she is unable to accept anything which would encourage her to try t our relationship.
She may just not be willing to settle for just anything either.
Originally Posted By: everhope
I'm just hoping that situation changes with timen
Then you are hoping for the right thing, because things do change with time. Just not always the way we may have imagined.
Peace
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
It sounds to me that she just needs time on her own to reflect, and maybe even to experiment with other R to confirm what she seems to already know - that you're the best person for her.
I feel like i kinda had to do that to figure out that yes indeed, i will never find anyone better than my H - unfortunately in the process i have destroyed a lot of trust and love and lots of rebuilding (thus lots of time!) will be needed if i want our R to get back on track.
Hang in there! mamanpc
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I'm getting advice on other forums to "lovingly distance " myself from my wife.
Although i never engineer time together we seem to spend a fair bit of time small talking and doing things together as a family. The events just seem to happen W initiates as much as i do.
We almost behave as a married couple with family and at the end of the day go to out separate homes. I believe it feels strange for me and my W when at the end of the day we go our seperate ways.
The general DB view (from guys) seems to be don't do any of that. Listen when she wants to talk but that's about it.
Yeah - when i'm more optimistic i think the same think.
Time is the key. I think women generally have more patience than men so you can probably wear him down. Patience is my absolute weakest point.
My wife lives 1 km down the road. I know she's lonely - i know I'm lonely - resisting the urge to call round or speak when we have such a good conection is a huge effort
When she first left she was saying how great it was and how at peace she was. Two moths later that situation seems to have completely changed. I don't see much peace now - she's lonely and has described herself as feeling "broken"
I'm GAL - problem is all i really want is to be snuggled with my wife on the sofa with the kids asleep in bed.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
