I'd REALLY like you to consider NOT having conversations like this. You'd be better off either asking her directly if she had contact with OM today, or not bringing up anything at all. This type of back-and-forth very likely only annoys her, or -- worse -- makes her feel that you're not going to do anything about it.
Puppy
H4H,
YES PUPPY IS RIGHT... this makes you look weak. It will not inpress her it will only make her pitty you or worst yet piss her off
Ok Hope4,
Sorry I got busy and could not get back before 7
I went back and read your posts.... BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
Ok first the pursuit thing is VERY DANGERUS... I went from the Begging for another chance. Then Depressed AND Going Dark... the little pursuit thing. Here were my mistakes.
1. Begging was sooo stupid. I did nothing wrong. What the hell was I thinking?
2. Depressed and going dark. I let the house and yard go. I figured I would loose it all anyway. (I am not sure what people here are talking about "saving up for a divorce". I Have no money. all my money is tied up in the house...It will be sold if we D that's it. If I have to file bankruptcy oh well. I am not going to hang around because “I want to save money for a divorce.
3. The "little pursuit thing” Hey no mater how much you try ya do little things and you CAN"T not expect SOMETHING in return. ya right ya say I gave her a flower and did not expect anything but when ya find it in the garbage or your W does not say thank you YOU WILL FEEL WORSE. Trust me BTDT. As for the text messages. unless you get something positive after the first one not a good idea... ya see My W OM is a cheep a$$. HE would text her (he lives out of state) with a pay phone number to call him back... (Way back I did check out the phone bill. I Knew EVERY pay phone number around his house) I thought " Maybe I will text her. (I NEVER did in the past).
IT only pissed her off because it was not the normal thing I would do and she wondered what I was trying to prove. Also; was I being me or trying to be the OM What has seemed to work in my sitch was my W idea... Like I said I was at the end of my rope. I could not “settle” for this life styli... So I wrote my W a letter:
Wife, we have been living like roommates for the past year with no intimacy or affection. I can't go on like this. This isn't the kind of marriage I had in mind and we both deserve a more rewarding relationship. I love you and I want us to find our way back to a loving, rewarding marriage. I can not settle for what we have now. I have talked to some people in my support group on line and they told me about a program called Retrouvaille. I have heard really good things about. It provides couples like us the tools they need to improve communication and get in touch with each other's feelings again. When I looked at the web site it looked kind of religious to me but the people that I have talked to said it is not. I would not feel comfortable if it was a religious thing. I would like us to attend one of their weekend retreats before we make any decisions about how to move forward with us. I want to know that we haven't given up without really trying to make things right. Whether we decide to fix our marriage or go our separate ways, Retro will give us the tools we need to maintain a healthy relationship. I just need to know if you'll agree to go to the Retro weekend and I will book it.
Her reply…
If you want to go ahead and book for Retrouvaille, do so. It looks like it cost $100 to book and then other costs are anonymous donations. I am not in a good frame of mind to deal with much of anything these days, but, hopefully I’ll have a job soon and I’ll have one less worry on my mind. Just do me one favor between now and when we go…please give me some breathing room. Between you, mother, son, and now D, I feel like I’m being suffocated. I’ve been under such extreme stress, and I believe much more than you have, that I’ve been kind of concerned about my health so I will be going in for a physical soon. Let me know when you book. From what I can tell, it looks like the next session is in July in Sacramento. Wife…
So what I did was “give her some breathing room” What has happened between then and now? I feel like our slate has been wiped clean. I feel like this is where we should have been BEFORE the affair. Reading your posts you sound like you are NOT showing your W that you are ok. That you are not dependent on her. DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I was there too. My actions made me look weak in my wife’s eyes. If I would have written that letter a year ago she would have said no way... If I would have stood my ground and said my way or the highway a year ago we would be separated now.’ It is true. You do need to get a life. And not just with your kids. I have an 11 yo son. I love him dearly. IF things were normal I would never put my needs before what I preserved as his needs. What I mean is I know I spent quality time with him during the day so once in a while its Daddy time. It was hard going out at first. Heck it still is. My son loves to “campout” in out camper out on the driveway. We did this most weekend nights. (W and I have not slept in the same room for at least a year now). So it was a hard decision to go out instead of doing our normal routine. BUT... I knew that in the long run a little disappointment on his part now could lead to a future having a mom and dad that were married.
So yes like you I would give my life for my kids. But you need to take care of yourself also.
I am far from being out of the woods. And tonight you caught me in a good mood. I still get depressed. I still think about the OM. But I have found that my mood affects my wife’s. My wife acts like nothing happened. Like you (aside from sex) on the outside people would look at us as a happy couple. Part of that is because even though my W may say something or does something that will make me thinks. “What would you do if they knew you cheated on me” I may say this on the inside but on the outside I am smiling and saying. Great to hear Oh one other thing... you said something to your wife about her liking her old job, Try to avoid any thing about the past… the standard answer when our W are in their fog will be “that was then, this is now
I hope you can decipher this post... I kind of just let my thoughts flow I have come so far. I can see me in your posts months ago. I still am scared. I have 12 more days till we go to retro. Will she tell me she wants out? Don’t think so but I will not settle for how we are living today. I need to let her know that if things do not change then I want out may loose everything hut hey guy it is just stuff... I can get more stuff easy. I can’t live with the mother of my son as we are as easy.
Ok I just told son we were going to camp out tonight He is happy. Got to go make Carmel corn
Later
Dr LOve
Oh ya if nothing else... in two weeks W and I will be sleeping in the same room for the fist time on over a year… At least I got that out of retro…
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
