Withdrawal of OM and coping

[sandi2]

I believe a woman can have an affair of the heart by her fantasizing about a man--and the OM never know--and her H never know....only herself, and yet that fantasy can come between her and her H b/c she has allowed the fantasy to become real enough that her H cannot live up the the image of the OM in her fantasy. She finds that b/c of the fantasy, she is not as attracted to her H, and it just starts going down that spiral staircase.

Perhaps some men have just as much problem with this as women do....I don't know. I have read a couple of books that suggested that that was one of the differences between the sexes and their thought process. At any rate, to tell a woman that has fantasized for a long period of time that she just needs to stay busy and get her mind on other things, is kind of like telling a person who has smoked three packs a day for the past 25 years to just lay them down and don't smoke anymore. I agree that we have to "work" at not allowing ourselves to fantasize about OP (and have given the same advice), however, my weakest point is at bedtime when I am trying to drift off to sleep. It is really hard to control your mind at that point.

All of us women who have admitted to having this problem, and those who I know do but they won't admit it, we need encouragement and a lot of it. If a person has never had this problem then of course they can't possibly understand. I assure you it has been one of the hardest things to overcome in my life. I don't smoke or drink, so I can't say about that.....but I think the mind is harder to walk away from that a drink or a smoke.

I ask that any of you that reads this thread will try to understand that it is something that we would like to be able to just turn off in our minds b/c it would give us great relief if we could, but it is not that easy and esecially if you have had a real affair with another person. As I told in a post before, the OM I had an EA with could not even live up to my fantasy of him. That is when I begin to realize that I was in trouble and that I was seeing him through rose colored glasses.

I know it is hard to have compassion and understanding for women that have had an EA or a PA and some people want to make us go around wearing a scarlet A (or a WW)on our sweaters, but it isn't pleasant for us either. I am not refering to any that have posted thus far, but perhaps for some that are just reading and not saying anything. I still think that our society has a double standard when it comes to affairs.

BTW, whatdidido was right in what I meant about the WW comment and that I mean we are all sinners. None of us are perfect, but I would not go around refering to my H as my SH (sinful husband) even though he is as much a sinner as myself...just in different ways. Like I said, I just think it not a healthy logo to place on your wife if you are trying to live under the same roof.....even if she hasn't made it back in her heart 100%. And no, it was not one particular poster that caused me to say that. It has been my reading so many over a period of time here on the board that keep referring to their W's in that term. I have read where the W had returned 100% to the M and the H still would refer to her as his WW in his post. As I said, it is just sensitive to me and I bet it would be those wives also. If the H keeps calling her that and thinking of her as a WW, is that healthy for him? I don't think so. And, I just bet it comes out in his attitude or behavior toward her (just my guess). Makes one wonder if they have really been forgiven if they have been labled as a WW for the rest of their lives. I have rather be referred to as "my almost WAW" as "my WW". But, that's JMHO and I am just venting on whatdidido's thread.

Hang in there sweetie and don't give up. If I can do it, you can too. We will help each other. Just know that I understand what it is like for you and it isn't easy what you are putting yourself through. However, I do believe staying with your H is the right choice.

Take care of yourself.

Sandi