"What I am doing now is shutting myself off completely from you which is safer for me but not healthy in the long run" - intending him to understand that this is a consequence of how things are right now - and asking for things to slow down and for some time I think...but he heard that "What I am doing now is shutting myself off completely from you which is safer for me but not healthy in the long run" as an definite intention of yours and a rejection.
You can fix it. Phone him and explain?
Its an unintended consequence of texting I think.
Best -GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thanks GFI. I'm so glad to hear that u seem to understand what I was trying to say.
I ended up texting back to him before I went to sleep at aaround 1.30am (I know, ringing would have been better but I'm just too scared and tongue tied, plus with texting you can edit what you say! - before sending it of course)
My reply: "U have changed in many ways and they are wonderful but 3 weeks or even 2 months is not a very long time. We have misunderstood each other again. I'm sorry that you are at the end of your rope with me but maybe it's for the best. P"
I got a reply this morning at 8am: "If we have misunderstood each other again, don't you think we should clear it up? We never do and that always leads to one of us retreating. Of course, that is entirely you choice on whether it gets sorted."
I replied: "I agree with u!" And then followed up with this about half an hour after that: "My first text yesterday was not meant to show me retreating. I was trying to open up communicating between us. I just find it very difficult to talk about this stuff face to face so that's why I texted. P"
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi Purple, back a year ago, when I had trouble talking face to face, I would e-mail H.
That enabled me to get all my feelings out, he could read the words over & over, & then he'd e-mail me back. It isn't how we wanted it to be forever, but it helped us transition til we were safer talking with each other.
You guys might try it. Texting is so quick usually, e-mail you think & re-read & make sure it says completely what you want.
Good luck.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'd love to do that sc, but h seems to have an aversion to emailing. I have emailed him often and lately he has been sending me a few more forwards than he used to (which was virtually NEVER). Plus I have access to email all day and most of the night whereas he does not.
How could I suggest this (email) to him without him thinking it's me taking the 'easy way out of not doing things face to face'?
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
It's okay if he thinks it's you taking the easy way out. It's okay to take the easy way out. It's the way you are comfortable for now. If face to face isn't working, this is one type of a 180, nothing wrong with 180's.
You can just say;
"we're having communication challenges rght now, I suggest we e-mail for a while & see if that works better". If he refuses, you can say; "okay, I'll e-mail you, then you can reply in text or voice, then I'll e-mail you & you can reply in text of voice..." make sense ?
Basically, you are asserting your preferred way to communicate. He doesn't have to agree. It would be nice if he agreed, but he doesn't have to. You can still implement it from your side.
whatcha think ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi purple. I understand where you are coming from with needing time to process before 'sending'. When I would get into verbal exchanges about R with H, I would almost totally shut down (& I am the extroverted one
What helped us was that I would email.. he would use a program that let him record a message and then email it to me. (sort of like voice mail, but no limit on time). My H is also challenged to communicate electronically, finger dextarity is not his strong suit and accessibility. We have tried 'chat' and I think he now understands how frustrating it is for me (& vice-versa) when we have verbal chat, as I can outtype him, where as he can out talk me.
I also found writing down my thoughts in an email.. saving a draft and coming back to it later, allowed me time to process it again before I sent it. I also found that once I had written it, it was easier some how to say it to him (as I had a few things in drafts that never got sent before we talked face-to-face.)
sounds like the lines of communication are opening a bit. Have you each read about empathetic listening? & how much of communication is about active listening?? It is amazing how much we think we understand about what they said, without checking with the other person.
Good luck!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hallelujah! More feedback! It's quaint how excited I got seeing the replies from you guys, sc, bridge and GFI.
I'll go backwards with my replies:
Bridge: I've heard of empathetic listening (man that word is hard to type!) and I agree with you wholeheartedly with your comment about how much we think we understand about what the other person said without checking with that person first. Is there a book or workbook on that empathetic (typed it better this time!) listening? This is one of the big things that frustrates me about h when I try open up, almost 100% of the time he misconstrues what I say and when I try and backpedal (because he takes it as me being final) he refuses to let me take my words back. It's that sort of behaviour that makes me feel that it is safer to close myself off and not say much unless I have too. Then of course I become emotional unavailable becuase I'm too scared to share how I feel. It doesn't help that a lot of my feelings revolve around anger and resentment towards h for a lot of the past. It's hard to bring them up and have him listen....he doesn't like that...I don't really blame him but I think it does need to be addressed. Our C doesn't think it helps to dig up the past but he doesn't know the details of what has happened so maybe he doesn't understand how much it affects things? Our C is basically suggesting that we go no contact. My h was pissed at the C about that becuase we had been getting on so well. He was also pissed with me becuase I seemed to be 'lapping up' what the C said. I guess I probably was, I was feeling a bit smothered but hadn't quite realised that I felt that way.
SC, I forgot to add on your thread that I'm pleased to hear D is recovering well. I'm so lucky my D hasn't had any hospital visits for a long time *cross fingers*. I hope it wont' be too hard for you guys to crank it back up to normal life speed once things heal. Good on you for your bit of nookie with h too!
SC I like what you said about the email. Yes it is my preferred way because I can type, think, edit, go away, come back, read it 24 hours later and if I still feel the same, hit send. I also detest phone calls because his not so busy times seem to occur during the day when I am at work and I'm just not in a frame of mind to have serious talks when I am in a cubicle environment with my boss 5 feet away. h thinks I'm putting work before him but in all honesty, I kind of have to at this point to make sure I can get through the day and keep my job instead of thinking about what to say to h all day. My boss knows the sitch (his daughter went through a messy D) and I think he thinks I should just move on instead of keeping trying to talk to him, so I can't help but feel like he's listening and shaking his head at my poor boundary settings.
Also with the writing thoughts down in email that really helps me too - along with writing on here. The thing is, if h finds out that I've been sharing my thoughts (again) on the Internet that pisses him off that I would rather share them with ppl I don't know instead of him.
GFI - thanks for the feedback. When I picked up d from him earlier he wouldn't look at me and hardly even said bye. I'm wondering if he's read my last text wrong - AGAIN. What should I do now? We have another mediation appointmetn tomorrow (which I think he would rather us do it by ourselves) and he has IC this Thursday. Then his b'day is next Monday. I am thinking of inviting him to dinner on the Sunday night b4 his b'day at an African restaurant that serves 1kg steak! He used to love steak, but I'm not sure if he eats it that much anymore so it might go down like a lead balloon (of me not paying attention to what he likes any more). I feel like I don't know him, never did, and never will.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
I was away all yesterday and am real busy with my D's birthday party today but your comment about previos posting and 'Morgan' piqued my curiosity. You got my email? Conact me if you want.
I will catch up tomorrow and read your posts in more detail
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
