I also thought your response was reasonable and reasoned. Not trying to stir up guilt, Mike. Not trying to defend W either. Just observations. Sorry if I offended.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Was the meeting focused on "Playtime with Kids" or "Meet the Teachers"?
You find solace being with your daughter. Anger and discomfort in being near your wife. This hurts like nobody's business.
How many of the parents know what's going on in your family? How many eyes do you perceive look at you in a different way?
Playing with your precious little girl was a gift. Attending the meeting was a responsibility, no matter how easy it is to find your way around at school.
Your wife mentioned.. "The Mike Show".. how many times have you heard the same thing here?
In this production you're in, you're not the leading man, you're not the star, you're not the savior, you're not the director. You're the stage hand. You're there to do work, things that seem so little but if it's not done, the show falls apart.
This is about your wife. This is about your daughter.
This is not the Mike show.
You're not a dork. You're just a guy.
Go apologize rather than rationalize. Hear what's she's saying rather than reacting to what's she's doing. Cuz the parenting is forever.
Was the meeting focused on "Playtime with Kids" or "Meet the Teachers"?
I agree with Gypsy, too. Your wife had some good points, and of course I think you have good reasons too. You're both right? Anyway, one thing I do is when I feel my H is upset with me and has some good points, I will say, That's a good point. I agree with you or something like that. I have found just simple statements like that seem to cool off my H instantly. I think with statements like that you kind of show you didn't have evil intentions (which they sometimes seem to think we have), that you're listening, etc. Maybe you could try doing something like that when you honestly believe she does have good points or you agree with stuff she said? I always seem to be disagreeing with you; I will try to be sweet and nice next time I promise! Karen
I just wish you could start thinking of her first. It is the only was she can get through this without scars. I swear to you I am committed to that.
One line covers the entire point of her email. For God's sakes she is 2 years old. WTF is so important about a parent teacher meeting. The point of all this is that she can now blame you if your D has a hard time with things. I guarantee you she will point out every little thing that she can to support her twisted philosophy that kids are resiliant and all will be fine.
If you think for a moment that your D2 will be scarred because you missed the parent teacher conference...get some pills because you are mental.
Was the meeting focused on "Playtime with Kids" or "Meet the Teachers"?
You find solace being with your daughter. Anger and discomfort in being near your wife. This hurts like nobody's business.
How many of the parents know what's going on in your family? How many eyes do you perceive look at you in a different way?
Playing with your precious little girl was a gift. Attending the meeting was a responsibility, no matter how easy it is to find your way around at school.
Your wife mentioned.. "The Mike Show".. how many times have you heard the same thing here?
In this production you're in, you're not the leading man, you're not the star, you're not the savior, you're not the director. You're the stage hand. You're there to do work, things that seem so little but if it's not done, the show falls apart.
This is about your wife. This is about your daughter.
This is not the Mike show.
You're not a dork. You're just a guy.
Go apologize rather than rationalize. Hear what's she's saying rather than reacting to what's she's doing. Cuz the parenting is forever.
*hugs*
Sorry Gypsy, but I disagree with you here. Mike's D is 2 years old, understand that, 2.
Maybe Mike should have taken D2 home and played with her instead of doing it there, other than that I see nothing wrong.
Ian.. It's all perceptions. What works for Mike is all that matters.
When we'd go to family functions and his family would get nasty.. I'd spend my time with the kids. I loved being with my nieces, nephews and kids over adults who I felt demeaned me. It was a choice I made. I felt positive with the kids.
As you well know, many times in divorce you can't win for losing when it comes to parenting the kids. With my spouse I ask myself "What is the objective?" and go from there. I have said almost the exact same thing to my spouse that your wife said to you, Mike, about being committed to being a co-parent. And you know what? My spouse does whatever he wants, however he wants. There's no co-parenting in our case because he doesn't want us to be seen as a couple to the kids in any way, shape or form, even as parents who work together.
Perhaps some of my own personal frustration came out in my post to you, Mike, for which I apologize. In the end, for me, it came down to why you went there in the first place to attend a parent meeting.
Your choice on what you do. Your choice on how you manage the parenting relationship with her. It's all one big stew.
I might be missing something in the translation here but surely there is a limit to the sophistication of a teacher parent conference for a 2 year old! Did you see it for what it was but sort of went along with it to go through the motions?
Problem was - your W clearly had expectations of you - grounded in a set of beliefs or expectations which you might not share. In fact, even if you did, you probably don't now. Even if out of principle.
Bottom line synopsis as I see it - the childcare place was making something out of nothing, your wife bought it, you didn't, didn't play ball, but tried to placate, kept D happy, and now you're suffering.
IME (in my experience) some people can find all common sense departing when kids are introduced to the mix - ie things which they would have looked upon sceptically previously now assume an importance and significance beyond their worth because their S or D is involved.
I don't think you have a chance of extricating yourself smelling of roses from this- best you can do IMO is to say "it was a load of b*ll@cks, the best I could do was to go play with D and her pals and I'll sort out what I need to know as I go with the WONDERFUL people that work there. I'm sorry"
And Mike - the whistle has not blown!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
[quote=Gypsy]Sorry Gypsy, but I disagree with you here. Mike's D is 2 years old, understand that, 2.
Maybe Mike should have taken D2 home and played with her instead of doing it there, other than that I see nothing wrong.
Ian
But the thing is what is your goal? If you're not interested in working on a R with your W then fine. But if you are, then what you are doing is not helping. I think your W was upset b/c of the way the teachers were making comments and felt maybe abandoned by you or you were doing it to her to spite her or make her mad. And the comments made by the teachers putting her on the spot made her more upset about this. I can kind of see your W's side of this, although I agree her reaction may have been a little overblown. But since she made a few good points, what's the harm in saying that's a good point or whatever; I see your side of this, even though my motivation was pure and to spend time with D2, why not just say I'm sorry you had to face the teachers alone, you have some good points, and I will attend the next teacher conference (as the teachers apparently would like also)? But if you just want to get divorced, not work on your R, then I think your response was probably a good one. Karen
Yea, it's not about the practicality of it. It is about working with W in a way that is perceived as being involved and interested. Maybe she is just looking for something - anything - to rag on you about, but don't give her more ammo.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
This is hard - generally IME I have found mums find it easy to get excited in things like the teacher/parent conference while dads find it hard to get quite so excited.
Neither is right.
What's necessary to figure out is the investment each party is making into the event. That tells you how seriously to take it. When things are delicate clearly its necessary to approach things particularly carefully!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Karen