Officially Here Now

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Chris)))))

Dark sounds like the right plan. Read the LRT section again. There is still time, but take care of yourself first!

[Gypsy]

Well Ms. Chris..

I was always told if that he wants the divorce, he's the one who has to do all the work. It's not your job to help him.

Unfortunately, at the time I didn't realize how not to 'help' especially since the only time he'd talk to me would be about the divorce. To this day when he talks about what a bad marriage we had, I never mention what was good.. figuring he wouldn't hear it (since he's heavily invested in another relationship and living with her).

Let him work. You be the poster child for GAL!

About being the talk of a small town, it only lasts as long until something new comes along. I was all worried that people would look at me different, that I'd feel ashamed. In the end, no one really cares. You just become another statistic.

As strange as it sounds, as horrible as this is.. it is not the end of the world. In many ways it's the beginning of a new way of living, regardless of how the marriage turns out.

Your spouse is spending lots of time talking. Even if he follows through, the legal system creaks at its own lumbering pace.

*hugs*

[Abbey]

((((((Chris))))))

I can't even begin to tell you how disappointing this is.

I wanted to mention something my T said about some couples still having sex during a split.

Going dark means NO more, you realize, right?

Some folks need to inch the bandaid off in little bits. As with the D logistics... Don't help him do that bandaid aspect either.

It's never over til it's over, if ya know what I mean.

hugs
Abbey

[7 Year Itch]

Oh no, sex is over for sure. IT's done.

IT's been so obvious he is done since day one, and I really do not think any amount of DBing is going to help.

I loaded in some boxes today, and while the girls are gone I'm going to start packing up his stuff. I desperately love him, but feel like I've been fooling myself all these months, and just staring at all his stuff, our wedding pics on the wall etc, everything, just kills me.

I figure if he asks I'll try to make it look like i'm being "helpful" and respecting his decision ,but in reality, I"m just still as devestated as the day he dropped the bomb. I just cannot take it anymore.

My hat is off for people that do this for months and years on end. Those that can handle the OW and OM. Clearly, I am just not strong enough. I love him so much, and just still cannot believe this nightmare is happening. I can't deny it anymore. IT's clear God has other plans for me. I just wish he could stop for a bit.

I feel like I've had my share of a lifetime of people being taken from me. Am I really so bad I just don't deserve love?

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Oh God. Help me.

HE just came for the girls and it was awful. D6 screaming the entire way out the door, and I could hear in the car wailing as they pulled away. Meanwhile I'm trying to wave and smile and say "you're going to have so much fun". I just came inside an wailed like I haven't in a long time. OMG, this is just horrible.

I feel so bad that my baby is getting so hurt and I can't do anything about it. I knew it was going to go like this too. All morning she complained of a stomach ache, didn't feel good etc... I knew it was leading up to this.

God, I'm so mad. I'm MAD. How can he do this to them?

Chris

[pisces9]

(((((((Chris))))))))
That is good you were strong for your D. stay strong for her.
and come and cry here.
maybe when yo go totally dark he will see the light on you. but this is for you- you need to detach and be with yourself.

why was your D crying? does she know the details?

what do you need from us right now?

remember LOVINGLY DISTANCE. (very distant)

it will be ok....

[7 Year Itch]

D was crying I think because she just knew this was the start of something so different. WE've been apart before, but I think she was so nervous about all of this. She mentioned going to a house she didn't know was worrying her. She kept saying she was going to miss me. It was so sad.

God, how does one detach? I read through all these journals where so many of you LBS are so strong and moving forward. I feel so stuck.

My girlfriends came over for dinner Sunday night, and one of them was telling me about how her FIL and MIL married, divorced, then remarried again. Then he had an affair 9 years after that marriage, and they divorced again. She said his Mom is STILL so in love with his Dad and has never recovered. She got into alcohol and the bar scene. She's now been married like 3 other times and divorced, and just looks to replace him. Each time she divorces she goes back to HIS last name. Not her maiden name, not the previous married name, but the name of her husband like 3 husbands ago. It's so sad, and yet I hear that story, and I'm so scared that will be me.

I wish I could hate him. I almost wish there was an affair or something that would give me more anger. Instead all I'll feel is incredible loss and sadness. I'm so sad that I could hurt the person I love most in this world to a point that he could see NOTHING redeeming about trying it with me. How did we get here?

OK, I need to do SOMETHING that will kick me into another gear. I don't know what that is, but I just am not doing well.

On to other things. My youngest D has had a lump in her throat since she was born, and they've always checked it at each visit and said it was a cyst that would go away. Well, it's always worried me, and when we just went for her 2.5 well baby check up, they finally said we should see a ENT specialist at Children's Hospital and get it checked. I'm so scared. They said it was just precautionary, they think it's still totally harmless, but said since it hasn't gone away we should get it checked. I've been nervous about it since she was born, and I'm going to FREAK out if it turns out to be something and they ignored it all this time. I'm so scared. They said they'll probably do an ultrasound on it. Anyway, that appt. is on Wednesday. Don't know if H will attend or not. I reminded him yeseterday about it (he's very worried too). I've got a friend watching D6 so I don't have to entertain her, so I'm really hoping H comes, but I don't count on it.

So I've now lost like 25 lbs, in the last 3 months (had lost 15 prior to that while I was trying to lose weight, and am now at my dating weight with H. However 12 years ,and 2 babies later, the bod is not exactly the same. So I think my next GAL activity is to start doing something to firm up. H is HUGE into excersize, always has been a health nut. I have always wished I could have his energy to do stuff, and after losing all this weight I have more than i have had in years. I'd like to keep it going. Think I'm going to check into pilates.

Chris

[ms ladybug]

I'm right there with you. I just lost 25 lbs. Trying (joined weight watchers). But, after 2 kids, I may be at my wedding weight (my goal), but my bodies a little rearrainged. Things are sagging, stretch marks, etc...I was thinking about yoga to firm up a bit, but TIME is a big issue.

Just a side note, my d4 was born with a lump on her throat. Our ped said he wanted to ultrasound it when she got old enough to sit still, and we still haven't had it done. He didn't seem concerned at all, so I haven't been either. Let me know what they find.

[7 Year Itch]

Ugh, what another day. I'm just tired of life. So very very tired over the last 2 1/2 years. Will I ever be happy again?

Anyway, ...... so today, the appointment with D2. Dr. doesn't think it' sa cyst. Said it probably would have gone away by now. Thinks it's tissue/skin, and probably harmless but still needs to be removed as it can pose issues in the future. So my tiny little baby will be having surgery. I'm dreading it as anesthesia TOTALLY freaks me out. I don't do well with it, my Mom doesn't, so I'm really worried for D2. We need to go to Children's next week for the ultrasound to make SURE of what exactly it is. If it's NOT attached to anything, he said it would be a pretty basic surgery ,and she's probably have to stay in the hospital one night. If it is attached to anything (specifically he's worried about the thyroid) then he said the surgery is a bit trickier and she could be in a few days. I'm totally wigged out. But trying to hang in until we know for sure.

OF course H had the standard answers when I called to tell him about it all. "you know she'll be fine. She's tough. Blah, blah blah". Honestly ,I know he means to help, but I guess I'm so tired of the "kids are resilient" speech from him when we discuss the D and the girls, that it sounded more like that. Anyway........

So not a great day. Could've been a lot worse though. Guess I need to focus on that.

So my friend watched D6 so I could take D2 to the appt. alone. So went back to get her, and we ended up staying and riding her horses, and staying for dinner. Helped pass another night without H so that was good. H will be out to see the girls tomorrow, and might actually stay the night. I wis hit was a good sign, but it would simply be because he has Friday off during the day (has to work that night) and wants to spend part of the holiday with the girls. He is living an hour and 15 minutes away right now, so it truly makes no sense for him to wait to put the girls to bed (9:00pm), then drive home to sleep, then get up early to come back out the next morning. So I offered. He seemed receptive to it. So we'll see.

Another day down. Still cannot find a job to save my life. Could he have picked a WORSE time for a SAHM to renter the job market?

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

OK, I must be boring everyone to death. Beware, probably another novel coming......

So here is where my stupid snooping is going to kick me in the butt. Can't remember if I told you all here ,but I figured out H's email password. I'm ashamed to admit. In 12 years together, I have NEVER snooped on anything with H before the last 3 months. And while I've found no evidence of affair or anything, now that I know it I can't seem to stop checking every so often.

So anyway, today I see that H bought some tickets (had a receipt) so I click on it and it's for High School Musical (the touring Broadway production). It's in a few weeks, and he bought 3 tickets. He just bought them this morning. I have no idea what to think. Are they for him, D6 (she loves this movie so I know this is all for her obviously) and me, or him, D6 and one of her friends or what? He hasn't wanted to do ANYTHING all together since he moved out, and just the other day when I suggested something for us all to do, he said no, he didn't want to confuse the girls.

So I can't imagine he is including me (of course I secretly hope he is. I'd love to see D6's eyes light up, and go with them)but if not, then who is that 3rd ticket for? God, I hate this. The man I have trusted with EVERYTHING for the last 12 years, now I find myself sneaking around, trying to figure him out around every turn. With my guard up (as much as it can be). This is just no way to live. Anyway, the tickets are for the end of July, so I guess I'll know soon enough

Got D2's ultrasound lined up today (hospital called fast). So we have that next Thursday.

Nothing big planned tomorrow. H was supposed to come tonight, but he ended up being sick at work all day today (now has what the girls had this past weekend) so he went home. He has to work tomorrow night, so he may come by during the day tomorrow to see the girls a bit before he has to work, but depends on how he is feeling. I felt so bad to know he was hurting so much. He NEVER gets sick to the point that it takes him down, and I could hear it on the phone today both times we spoke. I was wishing he would have been here so I could've cooked him a nice meal, put him in bed and just taken care of him.

I feel like I neglected him so much in the last 2 years with my depression and everything I was going through with my family, and I so wish I could have a chance to just nurture him. How do you do that separated and getting ready to divorce?

Can all the DBing in the world have ANY chance if the person you want is still not in a place of forgiveness?

Chris