Getting ready to leave work. Don't have to pick up roomie, since she drove herself today.
No response to my email. I'll leave it at that and not mention it. Only if she does.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I want to. I will try posting this weekend. I have to work tomorrow half a day then see what the day brings us.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Last night was not like it has been this week. Something up?
No contact with roomie at all. I get home before she does. I find out from D11 that they are going to have Chinese. That is what we wanted the night prior.
The reason roomie wanted to drive herself, was she knew I was going to get off work a little later than normal and she expressed that she would get off a little earlier than normal and get home so they won't be home by themselves for too long.
The difference would have only been 30 minutes difference. If she got off like she wanted, she would have been home about an hour before me. I still beat her home.
She gets home just after me. She comes in and asks D's if they are ready. They aren't, of course. I am walking around and she tells me the girls called her and wanted Chinese tonight.
"Do you want to go?"
Not real enthusiastic. She says her little sister is going as well. I say ok. I ask if she got off late.
"No, not really. After work I went to my moms and then after that I put gas in the car and then came home."
She asks about my day. I tell her not much happened, but it was ok.
I get the feeling something just isn't right. Walking past her purse, I can see she has her checkbook again. Means she has her other phone again. Before last week, she was keeping her purse very close to her. Always closing. Putting on her side of the bed at night. Never did that before. Then she got the phone that I wasn't supposed to know about. This past week, purse has been out. No big deal, because no phone. Her purse was being left out.
She told me about the phone last Saturday night, though. Remember?
She is checking her account online. I go in ask if she was planning a girls night out. She says no, just out to eat and her sister wanted to join.
We leave and I ride shotgun today. I'll let her keep driving. She asks if I have seen her phone charger. I tell her no. She can't find it. It must be for the other phone she has. She looks at me like I am lying. I tell her that maybe I should not go, because she seems upset with me. She says no. Quiet ride. Not much talking. Not until almost at restraunt. I ask if anything exciting happened today.
No. She jokes how boring our jobs are. I remind her that she must have forgotten that. At her previous job, which she loved, she would complain to me how boring my job was. That was the job that enabled her and was the end of us. She tells me, "I guess. I hate talking about my job."
Quiet inside eating. SIL shows up late and practically ignores me. Roomie has to remind her to tell me hello. She does. This is the SIL that had kept her phone and checkbook for her. Has also talked to OM. Roomie told me her sister wasn't involved in the R with OM. She was trying to stay out of it, she tells me.
I don't really believe her, though. SIL treats me different these days. Maybe guilty of what she knows about her sister.
While eating, I see both roomie and I looking at the happy couples. We both have looks on our faces.
We walk to Borders Books after. Stay for a while and then head to grocery store for some things. We are smelling stuff again.
On way home, very quiet again. Both of us. Get home. Kids to bed. Us to bed. Purse treated like it carries the secret of the universe.
I can't stand it. In bed, lights out. Her facing away from me, clinging to the edge.
"Can I ask you a really dumb question?" "Hmm?" "Did something happen today?" "What do you mean?" "You are acting very different than you have been this week. Very distant." "I'm ok." Long pause. I keep digging. "Its just that we have been having good honest talks recently, and I want that to continue." "What?" Pause again. She turns over to look at me. I don't look back. "Roger, what do you want to know? Don't beat around the bush?" "I'm not beating around the bush. Your just acting different. You went to your mothers today. Did everything go ok?" "Yes." Pause again. "I just want us to keep being honest." Long pause. "You told me the reason for you to drive today was that you were worried about the kids being alone for too long, and I got home before you." "I called them twice after I got off of work." I think to myself, that wasn't my point. "I just want us to keep being honest." Pause again. "And I don't care what you have in your purse." "What?" "The way you are keeping it." "Just habit now." "Just today. You haven't been doing that all week." Quiet. No reply.
She then falls asleep.
She is funny that way.
She stuck to her side all night. I get up and get ready. I notice that she did not take any of her meds yesterday.
Little extra time, I go and lay on the bed for about 10 minutes. She is beautiful when she sleeps. She has the most gorgeous lips. They get even fuller when she is sleeping.
I get up, stir her a little and whisper for her to have a good day.
"Mmnn. You too", she says half asleep.
Maybe just one of those days. I hope so.
I have mixed feelings about us. I just have to maintain myself until she moves out. If she is not ending things with OM, then I don't want her there anymore.
I may have to bring it up tonight. Maybe ask, "Do you really have any intention of ending it with him?" Take the conversation from there. If she doesn't, then she is leaving anyway. In a couple of more months.
Do I push it. If I have to, I can take two more months of her crap. I have taken it so far.
I have said before, at least my kids are home full time. Have to enjoy it while I can.
I will put them before me any day.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
"Can I ask you a really dumb question?" "Hmm?" "Did something happen today?" "What do you mean?" "You are acting very different than you have been this week. Very distant." "I'm ok." Long pause. I keep digging. "Its just that we have been having good honest talks recently, and I want that to continue." "What?" Pause again. She turns over to look at me. I don't look back. "Roger, what do you want to know? Don't beat around the bush?" "I'm not beating around the bush. Your just acting different. You went to your mothers today. Did everything go ok?" "Yes." Pause again. "I just want us to keep being honest." Long pause. "You told me the reason for you to drive today was that you were worried about the kids being alone for too long, and I got home before you." "I called them twice after I got off of work." I think to myself, that wasn't my point. "I just want us to keep being honest." Pause again. "And I don't care what you have in your purse." "What?" "The way you are keeping it." "Just habit now." "Just today. You haven't been doing that all week." Quiet. No reply.
She then falls asleep.
H4H,
I'd REALLY like you to consider NOT having conversations like this. You'd be better off either asking her directly if she had contact with OM today, or not bringing up anything at all. This type of back-and-forth very likely only annoys her, or -- worse -- makes her feel that you're not going to do anything about it.
I'd REALLY like you to consider NOT having conversations like this. You'd be better off either asking her directly if she had contact with OM today, or not bringing up anything at all. This type of back-and-forth very likely only annoys her, or -- worse -- makes her feel that you're not going to do anything about it.
Puppy
H4H,
YES PUPPY IS RIGHT... this makes you look weak. It will not inpress her it will only make her pitty you or worst yet piss her off
Ok Hope4,
Sorry I got busy and could not get back before 7
I went back and read your posts.... BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
Ok first the pursuit thing is VERY DANGERUS... I went from the Begging for another chance. Then Depressed AND Going Dark... the little pursuit thing. Here were my mistakes.
1. Begging was sooo stupid. I did nothing wrong. What the hell was I thinking?
2. Depressed and going dark. I let the house and yard go. I figured I would loose it all anyway. (I am not sure what people here are talking about "saving up for a divorce". I Have no money. all my money is tied up in the house...It will be sold if we D that's it. If I have to file bankruptcy oh well. I am not going to hang around because “I want to save money for a divorce.
3. The "little pursuit thing” Hey no mater how much you try ya do little things and you CAN"T not expect SOMETHING in return. ya right ya say I gave her a flower and did not expect anything but when ya find it in the garbage or your W does not say thank you YOU WILL FEEL WORSE. Trust me BTDT. As for the text messages. unless you get something positive after the first one not a good idea... ya see My W OM is a cheep a$$. HE would text her (he lives out of state) with a pay phone number to call him back... (Way back I did check out the phone bill. I Knew EVERY pay phone number around his house) I thought " Maybe I will text her. (I NEVER did in the past).
IT only pissed her off because it was not the normal thing I would do and she wondered what I was trying to prove. Also; was I being me or trying to be the OM What has seemed to work in my sitch was my W idea... Like I said I was at the end of my rope. I could not “settle” for this life styli... So I wrote my W a letter:
Wife, we have been living like roommates for the past year with no intimacy or affection. I can't go on like this. This isn't the kind of marriage I had in mind and we both deserve a more rewarding relationship. I love you and I want us to find our way back to a loving, rewarding marriage. I can not settle for what we have now. I have talked to some people in my support group on line and they told me about a program called Retrouvaille. I have heard really good things about. It provides couples like us the tools they need to improve communication and get in touch with each other's feelings again. When I looked at the web site it looked kind of religious to me but the people that I have talked to said it is not. I would not feel comfortable if it was a religious thing. I would like us to attend one of their weekend retreats before we make any decisions about how to move forward with us. I want to know that we haven't given up without really trying to make things right. Whether we decide to fix our marriage or go our separate ways, Retro will give us the tools we need to maintain a healthy relationship. I just need to know if you'll agree to go to the Retro weekend and I will book it.
Her reply…
If you want to go ahead and book for Retrouvaille, do so. It looks like it cost $100 to book and then other costs are anonymous donations. I am not in a good frame of mind to deal with much of anything these days, but, hopefully I’ll have a job soon and I’ll have one less worry on my mind. Just do me one favor between now and when we go…please give me some breathing room. Between you, mother, son, and now D, I feel like I’m being suffocated. I’ve been under such extreme stress, and I believe much more than you have, that I’ve been kind of concerned about my health so I will be going in for a physical soon. Let me know when you book. From what I can tell, it looks like the next session is in July in Sacramento. Wife…
So what I did was “give her some breathing room” What has happened between then and now? I feel like our slate has been wiped clean. I feel like this is where we should have been BEFORE the affair. Reading your posts you sound like you are NOT showing your W that you are ok. That you are not dependent on her. DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I was there too. My actions made me look weak in my wife’s eyes. If I would have written that letter a year ago she would have said no way... If I would have stood my ground and said my way or the highway a year ago we would be separated now.’ It is true. You do need to get a life. And not just with your kids. I have an 11 yo son. I love him dearly. IF things were normal I would never put my needs before what I preserved as his needs. What I mean is I know I spent quality time with him during the day so once in a while its Daddy time. It was hard going out at first. Heck it still is. My son loves to “campout” in out camper out on the driveway. We did this most weekend nights. (W and I have not slept in the same room for at least a year now). So it was a hard decision to go out instead of doing our normal routine. BUT... I knew that in the long run a little disappointment on his part now could lead to a future having a mom and dad that were married.
So yes like you I would give my life for my kids. But you need to take care of yourself also.
I am far from being out of the woods. And tonight you caught me in a good mood. I still get depressed. I still think about the OM. But I have found that my mood affects my wife’s. My wife acts like nothing happened. Like you (aside from sex) on the outside people would look at us as a happy couple. Part of that is because even though my W may say something or does something that will make me thinks. “What would you do if they knew you cheated on me” I may say this on the inside but on the outside I am smiling and saying. Great to hear Oh one other thing... you said something to your wife about her liking her old job, Try to avoid any thing about the past… the standard answer when our W are in their fog will be “that was then, this is now
I hope you can decipher this post... I kind of just let my thoughts flow I have come so far. I can see me in your posts months ago. I still am scared. I have 12 more days till we go to retro. Will she tell me she wants out? Don’t think so but I will not settle for how we are living today. I need to let her know that if things do not change then I want out may loose everything hut hey guy it is just stuff... I can get more stuff easy. I can’t live with the mother of my son as we are as easy.
Ok I just told son we were going to camp out tonight He is happy. Got to go make Carmel corn
Later
Dr LOve
Oh ya if nothing else... in two weeks W and I will be sleeping in the same room for the fist time on over a year… At least I got that out of retro…
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Puppy, I know it was not the right thing to bring up. I was beating around the bush. She tells me this often. I want to try to be honest with each other. A little deeper conversation.
Of course, what I WANT to do and what I NEED to do are two seperate things. You know me. I'm going to try to find the area in between, probably.
AT, good to know you are still checking in on me. Thanks for the comment.
Dr, you a KISS fan, too?
Thanks for the post. I did the begging thing a long time ago. For sure, two years ago. She gave in after a couple of months. This time around, I did it all.
Begging, pleading, going dark for a short while, tried GALing a little, 180's. We seem to get close, then I feel like I screw something up, and then back to square one.
For the short period of time that she was on the sofa(about a month), it was really easy to detach from her. Like I shouldn't have, I asked her to come back to bed and she did. That has been a couple of months ago. We've been there since.
It is definatly different when the two of you are not even sleeping in the same room. WAY different.
I do my acts of love or kindness, whatever you want to call it, with really no expectations of return favors. Only to remind her of what she may someday miss. She has never refused a gift. Never found stuff in the trash. She always accepted gracefully.
We both allow each other to affect the others moods. I was doing really well a while back. Not letting her affect me. Actually she did affect me, but at least I wouldn't show it to her. I gave her as much breathing room as is possible for us still sleeping together. It may not seem like to everyone else, but I had. Now with the recent events, I am changing it up a little. I was trying to keep a friendship with her, after she announced her moving. Felt like the friendship would somehow be a saving salvation. That and going to church on Sundays together.
With her sickness again, I want to accelerate the friendship and slightly pursue. She has said that she has changed her mind on moving out from now(the beginning of summer)to the end of summer. That gives me a couple of months to step things up a bit more.
Like I have nothing left to lose. She was going to move anyway. If she is still with OM, then I WANT her to move out.
Yesterday went pretty well considering Friday. I called when I got off and asked if we needed anything. She said no and that she was going to start on lunch. I asked for some info on our vaccuum for a part for me to pick up, finally. She got it for me, I bought it and headed home to fix the stupid thing and do some work on the yard.
AT home, she was in a cleaning fest again. Moved furniture in living room around, cleaning carpet. Old computer desk outside. Old broken computer outside. Other things. I fix vaccuum and announce that now, everyone has to keep their hand and feet away from the vaccuum, because it was working better than ever.
Got a chuckle from roomie and D11.
I then mowed the lawn, came inside and started putting away clothes that she had washed. Roomie had made lunch but I had declined. D's wanted to go swimming. Roomie totally cleaned out the girls room. I asked what everyone wanted for dinner and roomie said watermelon. She has been wanting watermelon, lately.
I tell her that before we go swimming, we'll stop and get a watermelon and put it in an ice chest for later tonight.
Store, swimming, to store again for more stuff for the week.
Home, dinner. Roomie makes my plate for me. After dinner, D's want to watch thier own movies in seperate rooms, Roomie and I decide to watch "Definatly, maybe" in the living room sitting together on sofa. Of course, she is out after an hour, and I follow suit about 30 minutle later. We are both laying sideways a bit. Her head on one end and her feet off the side. I am laying kind of behind her, my head around her pelvic area, my feet hanging of the end of the sofa.
Feels so nice. Wedged there. End of movie, we both wake up and to bed.
She has not been protecting her purse today, like yesterday. Leaving it out. Open.
She did put next to her side of the bed when we went to bed. Again.
We slept normal last night. Not as much edge clinging.
Last night roomie said that she wanted to make pancakes in the morning. I wake her up and ask if she wanted to MAKE pancakes or if she just WANTED pancakes. She laughs and said she didn't care. I say, "Of course. The easy way out." I didn't want to take over if she felt like making breakfast.
Hard for her to get up, she gets up and tell me to go to church. D6 can't wake up. "Our hair is dirty", she says.
We forgot to take showers last night after swimming.
D11 had already gotten ready so we eat breakfast and D11 and I leave. Special speaker at church. After service, D11 wanted to go to the library.
So here we are. Will head home and see what the day brings.
I feel a brisket calling me to burn it, today. Maybe Fiesta Texas today, too.
Please keep checking on me and commenting people. I certainly do appreciate all the advise.
I will NOT have another conversation like the last one. On the way home last night, light conversation. Almost home, I ask her a question:
"If you could have any kind of pet, what would you have?" "With all the pets we have now, I don't want ANY pets" she chuckled. "If we didn't have ANY pets right now?"
Five minute pause. I thought she blew it off.
"I have always wanted a horse" out of nowhere. "Thats a good choice. Me too."
Last edited by hopeful4her; 06/29/0807:06 PM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
When D11 and I got home today, roomie still in cleaning mode. I start getting in on the action. Roomie had already made hamburgers for lunch. We sat down and watched a movie together while eating a late lunch. We finished watching "Definatly, maybe". Good flick about a guy getting divorced and telling his daughter about the mother. Kind of. I am sitting on the floor with my back against the sofa. She is sitting on the sofa with her feet on the sofe. After the movie, D6 sits with her and we are playing together. Tickling. My arms are resting on her legs. Her feet are against my shoulder. Afterwards, she begins to clean again.
I notice that she has taken some decorations that she had bought presumably for her new apartment and set them out. A large statue of a mother and daughter. They've been in the box for weeks by the front door.
Can't read into that, but a decent sign she is staying a little while.
D6 is starting to get kind of antsy. Wants to go swimming again. I am putting away more clothes. Still haven't figured out what to do for the day. Doesn't seem like were going to do much of anything. I see roomie starting to get frustrated while cleaning up. I have been trying to get the girls involved in some cleaning. Roomie had set up D6 to play in the living room. I ask D6 if she would clean something for me.
Roomie jumps my case and tells me that D6 is fine and quiet playing where she is. I say fine.
Quiet time for me. I finish the clothes. I go look at her med holders. Still haven't taken her meds since Thursday.
I go outside and clean off some tar on her car and wash her car. I wash my truck. She had taken the vent cover to the ac intake off because it was full of dust. Cleaned that. Vaccum my truck.
Meanwhile, I had put on a brisket to cook before all that. I come inside to finish cooking. She is quiet too. She knows that I'm upset. I am going to be the bigger person. I am upbeat. I ask who is hungry. I get dinner together. I ask her what she wants to drink. I serve dinner and get everyones drinks. Roomie is finishing another room.
Thing got better quick. She is asking me what I want to watch on video. Something different. We talk a little about S14. We put on "Haunted Mansion".
Day isn't finished yet. She has gone to pick up S14 from Six Flags.
Lots of cleaning has been going on. Not sure what it means. The house DID need it. It just seems a little confusing. Maybe she is cleaning to get ready to try to sell. Maybe she know that she has to stay a little longer than she planned.
That is possible.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
