i'm clueless....

[ann25]

alright, so i'm frustrated and hurt and i can't really stand my H anymore, but i came back before i got back to work because i can't live like this anymore. I want my M to be better for my family, but i almost don't even care about it just for me. I feel like if it wasn't for the fact that it would hurt my girls so badly, i would be gone... that being said, i don't want to feel like that... help

one thing that i've realized about my husband is that his idea of a long day and mine are different. When i was working, i was gone about 12 hours. I worked 8 of those, had a 1 hour lunch and then drove about 3 hours... My husband's day starts whenever he gets out of bed, sometime between 9 and 11 am. he works for a couple hours and then most days, takes a nap. Then he works a couple more hours and is done. Don't get me wrong, he gets his work done, he makes sure all his clients are happy, but it just doesn't take him that many hours in the day. On average he works about 4-6 hours a day. I don't say anything cause if i could make that work for me, i would too, but it makes me struggle even more with the fact that he was always "too busy" to help me before and soooo tired from the long day he had.

Anyways, yesterday H decided at 4:15 in the afternoon that he wanted to leave in 30 minutes to go to my in laws. i told him it would take me longer than that, but i'd start getting everyone ready to go.

~I've asked him to help me get the girls ready lots of times, but he always tells me no, that it's easier if i just get everyone ready, then tell him when we are all done, so he can start getting ready while i get everyone into the car (3 car seats). He says since it only takes him 10 minutes to get ready, it works better that way. I've tried explaining that i would be faster all around if he helped some, but that doesn't matter.
So i'm getting myself and the girls all ready and after 30 minutes, he comes out of his office and is pissed off cause not everything is ready to go and the house isn't clean enough for us to leave. He storms around the house for a little while, says some hurtful things and then he says that he has to get away and get out of the house, so he was leaving. He kissed the girls goodbye and left. He went and got some fast food and drove around some and then came back...

When he got back, he asked what was wrong with me, so i told him... I told him that no matter how hard i try or how hard i work, nothing is ever good enough for him. That i'm tired of feeling like if i don't do something exactly how he wants it that i have to apologize for it. We went back and forth some and he said that it's my own fault that i misunderstand the things that he says and that i have no one to blame but myself for thing not getting done. I told him he was right, that i shouldn't let him make me feel bad when i'm doing my best.

He said that i have all day to get the house clean enough. My house is not dirty by anymeans, i'm proud of how well i keep it, but he's just not. I told him that if all i had to do in my day was clean the house, i could get it done exactly how he wanted it, but I do laundry, i give baths, i cook breakfast and lunch for everyone, i breastfeed a baby which takes a good 3 hours out of my day everyday, I try to do activities and play games with the girls so they don't feel like they are all alone and so they can learn something, I pay all the bills and handle any thing else that needs to be done and i'm a full time student. I don't have a problem doing any of that, as a matter of fact, i enjoy it, but i don't just sit around on my butt all day thinking of ways to dissappoint him. (sarcasm, bad ann, i know)

He argued with me a little more. Said something about how he wished he could just leave, but he knows that i'd probably be talking to someone else while he was gone, so he couldn't trust me to be alone. That hurt, but it's my own fault. I told him that he needed to start spending time with his family if he didn't want it to fall apart (in the last 2 weeks he had spent more time with his dad and step mom, than us) and that his girls needed him more than he was giving. He sarcastically said is this one of those arguements where later you'll come back and say well i told you i was unhappy...

i told him it was, that this was me telling him i wasn't happy and that things need to change. He said "or what, you'll go find someone else again" i told him that will never happen again. That it was the biggest mistake i've ever made, but that i will not live like this and i would only keep having this same conversation so many times before i won't be willing to have it anymore. He was really pissed... about 30 minutes later, he apologized and said that he just had a bad day. I told him i can understand that and if he wants we can talk about it, but he can't take it out on me. he said he knows.

something else that's funny. My sister is having issues in her 6 month old M and i was trying to tell her things to do now before it gets to where i am. Her H is pretty much like i let mine be 5-6 years ago. I was telling H about it, just to see what his reaction would be and he said that it's just wrong for him to treat her like that so early in the M, she should come stay with us for a little while, to show him what he'd be missing. that made me laugh... we didn't have time to talk about it, but i'm going to ask him how he thinks that relates to us when we do have time...

ok, i probably missed some stuff and vented a little and i don't really think it was productive cause he's back to normal this morning, but at least i said what i wanted to say.

ann