Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

I told her I wanted to make love this morning. I told her I wanted her to think it over, and I gave her a few things to think about. She has taken to saying "We'll see." She used to say that and mean "NO," but now we've talked about getting to a genuine "maybe." I don't want to demand that she tell me she'll be ready for sex at such-and-such a time, but if she says "maybe" I want her to mean it. Anyway, I believe her now when she says "we'll see."

Something important to keep in mind, Bear, and that took my small fleet of relationship books to pound into my thick skull, is the following:

Men have such a high level of testosterone that for them, sexual desire is almost effortless. In our case sexual desire is, let's say, 70% hormonal and only 30% mental. An open mind and little bit of visual or tactile stimulation and the light comes ON -- we're there. The pump is always primed, and we only have that 30% of mental ground to cover before we're ready to go.

Women have about 1/10th the level of testosterone that men have, so for them, sexual desire is something like only 10% hormonal and 90% mental. There is a lot more ground to cover mentally, and for the mother with a small child to care for, that mental gap can seem pretty daunting. In her case, the pump has to be primed first, before she can go anywhere with it.

So in your wife's case, "We'll see" or "Maybe" is an honest answer -- she really doesn't know.

That's where you come in. Never forget the dynamics of romance and masculinity / femininity. "Maybe" often means "convince me" or "seduce me," and it isn't a game: she honestly needs your help to prime the pump and cover that 90% swath of mental ground to get to sexual desire.

At times "Maybe" may even mean "Don't talk about it -- just take me! Let me feel your passion and desire for me!" Although, this particular action does requires some pre-arranged ground rules, as I've discussed before.

Ester Perel (author of Mating in Captivity) calls men, in a relationship where there are small children and the wife is the primary caregiver, the "Keeper of the Flame" (of passion). Left entirely to herself, your wife can go days, weeks, or longer with no 'ignition' at all. Your job then, is to occasionally steer her back to taking time for herself, taking time for yourselves as a couple, taking time to be passionate as a lover again. Learn what it takes to reignite that 'flame' in her.

Also, make very sure that she understands, and hears from your own lips, and from you own touch, the feelings that making love generates in you -- every time. Leave no doubt in her mind that it isn't just a physical release: it's an emotional reconnection, a loving act of bonding for you. She may want to feel your passion and desire for her during the act, but the soft, loving 'afterglow' is just as important.

Best regards,

Bagheera