I read this in my book of daily meditations and wanted to share this because it resonated so deeply.
Achieving Harmony
When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sounds. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one be one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned it's part -- the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones -- the whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.
When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.
We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.
One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.
We work on our relationship with our Higher Power -- our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.
We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.
It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music -- just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.
What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.
The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.
Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
I think because of the 'work' you do. So many times Forrest will say "Do Work". I go thunking along, getting some things but feeling like I'm walking through a caves full of tunnels.
I think this shows the whole picture. I'm not in this position solely because of the marriage tanking. I'm stuck here because of lifelong coping skills which don't promote growth. Getting stuck, frozen in inaction, needing others to define my self worth all work against me.
So, I keep what works for me with DB. If working some of the relationship techniques puts me in a stuck position, it's not the time to do them. I have to work on me.
If I improve who I am, everything else follows. The better I am, the better every relationship in my life will be. My marriage failed. It failed because of how each of us approached it. Can it be saved? I don't know and am not going to focus on that. Can it be resurrected if I hold onto what doesn't work? Can I change his point of view? Nope to both.
All I can do is improve. Let go of the crap.
Work on what works. Let the chips fall where they may With the ever evolving Kathleen.
Wow, you sound great. Great observation. I hope to get to that place soon, because I DO believe that is the key. Work on you, improve you, nurture YOU, and what will be , will be.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I have a new theory about little kids. When my children were young, I would always hold them or let them snuggle when they wanted. Older ladies would always tell me to enjoy them when they were young. Part of me listened, the other part went "yeah yeah yeah."
But I'd make the effort to give them the attention they were seeking. My thought now is that it builds a well of love. Loving your children, taking that extra time helps them and helps you. When I'd walk around with a baby and see how people just loved my sons or daughter, it occurred to me that as a baby, I got the same amount of unlimited joy and wonder. That thought made me feel really good inside.. receiving a gift I never knew I'd had.
And in a crisis like this, the foundation of love and loving is a beautiful support to have.
I'm getting a little tired of always getting upset after talking to spouse.
He called to ask if our son would bring some papers when he saw him today. I said yes and wanted to get the hell off the phone. He later called my son to make sure he brought them. My 18 year old mentioned he'd met his dad at another place near where they were going. First time I heard about it. I didn't say anything, just nodded. Then I went on to worry about the other kids not having equal time with their dad, then let it go.
This whole thing upsets me.. and I feel the tears coming on at times. Then I whack my head, try and do something physical (this morning trying to haul a regulation size foosball table out of the screened porch and unto the driveway (one story down.) I really wanted to flip it off the stone wall to hear it thunk. I didn't get very far when my 18 year old came out to help. I tried to explain I wasn't mad at him, that sometimes emotions just came up and moving things, "constructive destruction" always made me feel better.
I get so frustrated when I feel I'm alone in all this. That's my pity party filling up, no doubt. So I'll weed, destroying the lives of proliferating plants who picked the wrong place to root and see if that helps. I prefer hard labor more. I just don't get motivated to do it. Probably easier to stew rather than do!
You know what else I hate?
Hmmph. I'll see if I still hate it after doing something physical.
Maybe I need ... 'huh'. Can't imagine doing it though.
I'm getting a little tired of always getting upset after talking to spouse.
Then stop talking to him. It has done wonders for my PMA. I miss talking to her, but I don't have to ponder the little "clues" that slip out about what is going on in her "new and improved" life.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
