i'm clueless....

[ann25]

and last, but certainly not least...

Hi Dom!!

You're in the same situation you were in before, but greater pressure.

yep! And while he's gotten better with the girls, he's gotten worse with me.

1. Defend boundaries for yourself:

you are absolutely right. I know that i let him get away with a lot just because it takes so much work to deal with him otherwise. I know it sounds silly, but he hurts my feelings. I cry and then i hurt physically, cause i tend to get really bad migraines when i cry. I know i need to deal with it though. I'll write about my day yesterday in another post.

2. Build positive time together. Get babysitters, and go do stuff with him, away from the children. waaay more than you have been doing.

We have actually spent more time together with just us in the last month than we have in the 3 or 4 months before that. My sister has been watching the girls for us alot. We spend the trip to whereever we are going with him telling me something that i haven't done well enough and me telling him that i'm doing my best.

And here's a new one:
Dont put him in a position where you're trying to get him to lie to you, to make you feel better about yourself.
Stop asking him how you look. Let's be honest: you're probably kinda a mess right now, and you will be for some months.

sooo, this one surprised me. It's not that i'm asking him everyday or anything. i've asked maybe 3 or 4 times in the last month. and really, if i'm 100% honest with myself i'm not a mess, i look waay better at this point after delivery than i did with either of my other daughters. I'm wearing my regular clothes and i have lost more weight than i put on in the first place. But, you are right that i need to stop bugging him about it. The only reason i'm upset about it is because i have an expectation and i know better.

I told you that if you didnt fix things before the baby, it will be so much worse for you. You didnt fix em... things are now much worse.

I did try. I can only do so much alone...

You probably could do very well if you got some joint phone counselling together.
Not only would you benefit from the advice but I think that if you found one that you both "connected" with, then the counselling itself, could become a "joint venture" to bring you closer together.

It sounds to me like your greatest need right now, is not to overcome any intrinsic relationship difficulties, but "only" to reconnect again closely.
(which is really really difficult with a new baby.... but I think you can find a way together somehow, if you both decide to work on it)

Hang in there. Dont give up on your family.
Giving up on your marriage, is giving up on your family.

The counseling thing is a no. I don't ask often, but i did ask a couple weeks ago. he said "i'll never want to try that again, so you (me) shouldn't bother asking about it" It's a nice idea, but he's just not willing.

I do agree that we need to get closer, but it's hard when i don't even want to be around him.

I do need to change what i do around my husband. i have a lot, but i need to do more.

thanks dom, as always your advice is appreciated