I feel so bad right now. All I ever wanted from my W and kids is their respect and what I now have is their fear of me. How do I deal with that. How do I forgive myself and move on. Understand this is not physical fear I have never layed a hand on my W or Kids but I have been hard on them mentally.
I told my W that I started to improve myself for me and then as I kept going I discoved all the things I had done to her and the kids and I must deal with that everyday.
She told me its time to forgive yourself. She had walked on eggshells for so long and tryed to keep the peace for so long she does not know how to do anything else. She does not know what she wants or what will make her happy.
I have cause so much pain to her. I asked her why she is still here, why she never left. Her only reply was that it was for the kids and she does not want to be seen as a bad person.
I feel like a monster an oger. I drove my W to this. How could I of done this to the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. How do I make it up to her and how do I help her get over all this and find herself again. Why did it take me this long to stop blaming her and realize I was the problem?
I told her last night that all I want from her is to decide for herself what she wants. I want you to make this decision for you, not the kids, not me and not because you think it is what I want. Take as long as you want and if you decide I have to leave I will go. No regrets, no feeling that you are a bad person.
I told her I don't know where all this jelousy came from but I don't like it. She said with all the good changes you have made it does not fit me.
I must now step way back from her. I must find it within myself to forgive me for the things I cannot change and I must prepare myself for what maybe the end of my marriage. I feel neither one of us what that but neither of us knows how to rebuild this R.
We both need time. We both must learn to trust each other. And we both must find the confidence within ourselves to be who we were meant to be. Together or apart we must learn to make ourselves happy.
I have never felt like this and I hope in time I will never have to feel this way again.
All this because I am a DAM who finally got smart. Who finally grew up and who finally realized that I am in control of me and all the actions and non actions I have done.
