Hope4us struggle, part 6

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. I've got "not just friends", "after an affair", "Divorce Remedy", "Surviving an Affair" and a couple other books by Harley.

3 months ago when she agreed to NC I told her I'd like her to read the first two books because they are written for both parties and she didn't say yes or no. I kind of figured if she was truly NC it would take a while for her to get to the point where she'll read them. I haven't pushed it since, but we're getting close to that point where I'll ask again.

I guess I see it as typical foggy thinking. She is SURE she's never loved me and SURE OM is the perfect guy for her. At least until about a month ago I got that impression from her. But lately she seems to be coming around and I don't want to pursue which I imagine she would feel I was doing if I asked her to read the books RIGHT NOW. We just seem to be making some real progress and I don't want to mess that up by doing anything she could see as R talk, which those books would definitely be.

Soooooo....Our relocation talk will happen this weekend. It will show me exactly where she is. If she is planning the little OM scenario like I described she'll balk at moving. She won't be able to use the "DS16 likes it here so I'm not moving" excuse. If she doesn't mind moving it'll tell me it's truly over with OM and she's willing to give us a try. If that's the case (which I think it might be) then I've got time, time, time and the books can come when she's made more of a commitment.

I know what you're saying about any thoughts about OM. And that's another reason us relocating would be good. She wouldn't have to go to the office they met at everyday and trigger like I'm sure she does.

Thanks for the props.

[Hope4us]

I don't know how to start this. When I got home last night, WW took right up where she as for the last week and a half. Talking and talking and talking. I didn't say anything about S16 wanting to move back to our hometown because I wanted to give him a day to think about it to make sure it's what he really wants to do.

So, keeping up with my best GAL activities, about 6:00 I told WW I was going out for a while and got up and left. While I was out I had a pretty good time, even by myself. When I got home WW was looking at the PC and didn't say anything when I came in. So I went outside and sat on the deck for a while. And I started thinking....

Do I even want this to work? Why do I continue to try to make this marriage work after the way she's treated me? Why do I try to make this work when she is so wrapped up in herself that she can't/won't think about how her actions affect ANYONE else? S16 had about a 3.4 GPA the first year we were here, but this school year his grades and attitude have really taken a dive. Um...let's see, his mom starts going away for weekends with OM the third week of the school year and then pretty much everyother weekend for the next 2 months. He's pretty darn sure she's having an affair even before I tell him and he see's how she's treating me and has checked out of the marriage and now S16 spends most of his time in his room listening to music and rarely in a happy mood. And this is from the kid that was the most happy go lucky, well adjusted kid you'd know. And his grades this year, in a word, sucked. And now he wants to move back to our hometown because he KNOWS what living in our location means to our family.

WW has lied, cheated, deceived, lied some more, checked out of the marriage and refuses to do anything to see if we can work it out all the while refusing to get rid of her affair stuff, read any books about recovering a marriage after an affair, reads books glorifying affairs, refuses Retro or MC and still I try. WHY?

Why is it that just as things seem to be looking like she's figuring it out do I now feel that I don't even want them to?

S16 TM'd me first thing this morning and asked if I'd talked to his mom about moving. I told him I hadn't because I wanted to give him a day to think about it to make sure this is what he wants. I then asked him what he wanted to do if his mom doesn't want to move. He said "If she doesn't want to move then I guess we'll know that she really doesn't care about me or your marriage and we can just move without her".

So....I'm going to talk to WW this morning and see where she's at. I'm scared of her answer...but at the same time, looking forward to it because at least I won't be in limbo much longer.

[Dr LOve]

Hey Hope4,

"So....I'm going to talk to WW this morning and see where she's at. I'm scared of her answer...but at the same time, looking forward to it because at least I won't be in limbo much longer."


I know where you are coming from here. But WE can't just let things go. They are not going to go away. Even though my W agreed to go to Retro I too am "afraid" of what I am going to hear. I too don't know why I keep trying EXCEPT... I have worked so hard this last year to keep things together. I also want to do all I can to let my son live a "normal" life. No the world will not end if we did get D but I don't want to have any should of, could of's ... I want him and I to know I did all I could but there is a time ya just got to let go...

Take care buddy

Hey I was thinking about letting my D (23) in on what has been going on. NOT the affair part but that mom and dad are having problems.

H

[Hope4us]

H...Is your W still actively in the affair? If she is, then I would strongly consider telling your D. She's an adult. She can handle it. Maybe wait until after Retro to see the results from that?

I just know, telling my kids was the best thing I ever did. They're S19 and S16 and they THANKED me for telling them the truth. They still love their mother, but I really feel that kids should know the TRUTH about things that affect their lives. And just because she's 23 doesn't mean she won't be affected by a divorce.

[Dr LOve]

H...Is your W still actively in the affair? If she is, then I would strongly consider telling your D. She's an adult. She can handle it. Maybe wait until after Retro to see the results from that?

I do not think so. I DO know she has not physically been with him in a year. Have the daily phone calls stopped? I do not know I have not looked. BUT when the guy from Retro called. We both had to be on line and answer some questions he had and one was...
“If there is a third person (OM) involved, all contact must be stopped. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Both My wife and I answered yes

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U, my friend,

You will be in my prayers this morning. I do think it's time you re-confront your wife.

You have shone the light, every day, back to your marriage, right in front of her. It's now up to her to let you know if she has any intention to at least take a step or two down that path with you, together.

My prediction is -- and what I'd try to prepare you for -- is a lot of "I don't know"s and "maybe"s. I think she's going to play this right down the middle.

Let us know how it goes. Do be loving, but firm. "Speak the truth in love" is a great way to go about it.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup, I've been thinking of what I'll say for two days now. Thinking of what I'll say if she says she doesn't want to move.

I'm thinking it'll be something like this.....

So all those times you said you didn't want to move because of S16 was just a story and not the truth? You not wanting to move speaks volumes to me and can only make me think that my suspicion that you have no intention of trying to see if our marriage has a chance and you were only hanging around until OM moves back to the area is correct. If this is the case, fine, just be honest with me so S16 and I can move on with our lives. S16 has told me if you don't want to move with us that it's obvious you don't really care about him or me and you've made your choice. If there is some other reason you don't want to move, tell me that reason and we can discuss it. But I really think that this move would be best for everyone involved IF you want to give our marriage and family a chance.

If I get the "I don't knows" and "maybe's" like you think I will I'm going to go into S16's grades/attitude etc and say to her that it's obvious that the best thing in the world for him would be to move home where family and REAL friends are and if you can't see that it's obvious what your real plans are. I mean, this is the son that had a 4.0 for 11 straight quarters before we moved here and still a 3.4 gpa before the affair started. How could she not see what she's done to him.

Which ever way this goes, I'm ready for it. I want my marriage to work, but not at the expense of my own self respect and my son's well being. And as an added bonus, S19 LOVES our hometown and has said to me many times, Why don't you move back?

What do you think?

[whatdidido]

I don't know how to start this. When I got home last night, WW took right up where she as for the last week and a half. Talking and talking and talking.

HER TALKING SO MUCH TO YOU IS A GOOD SIGN.

I didn't say anything about S16 wanting to move back to our hometown because I wanted to give him a day to think about it to make sure it's what he really wants to do.

SMART MOVE.

So, keeping up with my best GAL activities, about 6:00 I told WW I was going out for a while and got up and left. While I was out I had a pretty good time, even by myself. When I got home WW was looking at the PC and didn't say anything when I came in.

WAS SHE TALKING/EMAILING TO OM WHILE YOU WERE GONE? PROBABLY SO. IT IS HABIT AND ADDICTIVE.

So I went outside and sat on the deck for a while. And I started thinking....

Do I even want this to work?

YES YOU DO.

Why do I continue to try to make this marriage work after the way she's treated me?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES YOU. YOU KNOW THAT YOU GOT TO THIS PLACE BECAUSE OF BOTH OF YOU, AND YOU NEED TO TRY TO FIX IT BEFORE "MOVING ON". YOUR CHILDREN ARE WORTH IT. IT IS WHAT GOD WOULD WANT. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...THIS IS THE WORSE.....THAT BEING SAID, IN THE BIBLE, INFIDELITY IS THE ONLY REASON THEY GIVE FOR LEAVING YOUR WIFE.

Why do I try to make this work when she is so wrapped up in herself that she can't/won't think about how her actions affect ANYONE else?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE IS IN A FOG, AND SHE DOESN'T YET. IT IS A DRUG.

S16 had about a 3.4 GPA the first year we were here, but this school year his grades and attitude have really taken a dive. Um...let's see, his mom starts going away for weekends with OM the third week of the school year and then pretty much everyother weekend for the next 2 months. He's pretty darn sure she's having an affair even before I tell him and he see's how she's treating me and has checked out of the marriage and now S16 spends most of his time in his room listening to music and rarely in a happy mood. And this is from the kid that was the most happy go lucky, well adjusted kid you'd know. And his grades this year, in a word, sucked. And now he wants to move back to our hometown because he KNOWS what living in our location means to our family.

YOUR SON MAY NEED SOME THERAPY UNFORTUNATELY OR AT LEAST SOME FAMILY THERAPY WHEN YOUR W HAS RECOMMITTED BACK TO THE M.

WW has lied, cheated, deceived, lied some more, checked out of the marriage and refuses to do anything to see if we can work it out all the while refusing to get rid of her affair stuff, read any books about recovering a marriage after an affair, reads books glorifying affairs, refuses Retro or MC and still I try. WHY?

I DON'T REMEMBER HOW LONG YOU HAVE GIVEN HER TO STOP CONTACT BUT IF IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS OR SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COMMIT TO ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT AND WANTING TO WORK ON MARRIAGE. THEN, SHE MAY NEED SOME GRIEVING TIME BEFORE REALLLLLLY BEING ABLE TO DO SOME THINGS, UP AND DOWN DAYS. RETROVAILLE SHOULD BE PLANNED AND SHE SHOULD START READING THINGS NOW. I'M WITH PUPPY, IT'S TIME TO HAVE THAT DISCUSSION.

Why is it that just as things seem to be looking like she's figuring it out do I now feel that I don't even want them to?

BECAUSE THE REALITY OF IT ALL IS HITTING YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR HER FOR SO LONG THAT WAS YOUR FOCUS. NOW, YOU ARE REALIZING THE LONG HAUL AHEAD OF YOU. SHE IS, TOO. YOU WILL HAVE A LOT TO DEAL WITH NOW, H4U. GETTING HER TO RECOMMIT IS REALLY THE EASY PART. SHE IS AFRAID YOU WILL BAIL, TOO, AND IS HOLDING PART OF HER HEART AND NOT FULLY SAYING WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG IN CASE YOU DO.

S16 TM'd me first thing this morning and asked if I'd talked to his mom about moving. I told him I hadn't because I wanted to give him a day to think about it to make sure this is what he wants. I then asked him what he wanted to do if his mom doesn't want to move. He said "If she doesn't want to move then I guess we'll know that she really doesn't care about me or your marriage and we can just move without her".

SON IS TRYING TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, TOO.

So....I'm going to talk to WW this morning and see where she's at. I'm scared of her answer...but at the same time, looking forward to it because at least I won't be in limbo much longer.

LIMBO IS THE WORSE THING FOR BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS. SHE HAS HAD TIME TO SAY SHE'LL TRY OR NOT.

WDID
_________________________
Hope4us

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. I hear what you're saying.

Was WW chatting with OM on the computer? Could be, but I strongly doubt it. OM is an alcoholic and it's a Friday night (any night for that matter) and there's no way he'd be sitting at his apartment talking to WW when he could be drinking hitting on the next victim.

At this point, I really don't think OM has any intention of being with WW, but he's ego is so large that I can see them trading emails/IM's at work. And if they are, WW is so fogged out that she thinks if/when OM comes back to our area they can pick up right where they left off. That's why the conversation today will be so telling. If it's truly over she should have no problem moving. She hates her job here. She only has one real friend and that's the enabler GF who is young enough to be her daughter. Her excuse to wanting to be here was S16 but that's not the case any longer.

There's only two real reasons she could want to stay. One, she's planning her future with OM in mind, or Two, she's afraid if we move back that we'll go back to our old marriage with the things that she discovered she didn't like when we moved. If it's the first, the S16 and I are outie and we can move on with our lives. If it's the second, the things she's complained about (us always being together) are so fixable they are no reason to NOT move.

So we'll see.

[whatdidido]

I'm hopeful for her.