Oh no, if there was an OW I don't think I could do it. Thankfully we don't have that issue. It's weird. I love being close to him that way ,and of course I wish it meant more to him like it does me, but I'm not horribly depressed afterwards. It does give me something to cling to, and have hope with. Whether or not that is good, only time will tell.
I posted a question in the 180 forum a few weeks ago but never got a response. IF any of you wouldn't mind taking a look, it would be great. It goes along with this whole issue.
As I have been initiating mostly for the last 2 1/2 months (he has initiated a handful of times in the last couple of weeks), I was wondering if my 180 should be directed at what I've been doing recently (as in stop initiating now that he has moved out) or if the 180 should be in relation to what I did in our marriage (mostly NOT initiating, typical LD wife)??
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Hey, I had an idea for all us wives of cops. Would you guys be interested in having a Group Solution Journal? I know some of us are in different part of the board (infidelity, separation etc.) but we have a lot in common as far as personality traits of our spouses we are dealing with. What do you think?
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
hey chris I didn't know you moved here, I was kind of looking for you and you were gone!! just letting you know I'm keeping up on your situation,and I'm here to support you if I can. mine has changed dramatically just lately, find out about PA,says she hates me etc etc, BUT for some reason I am doing really well in between small mental setbacks, I think I was as bad or worse than you at this db thing,not being able to detach etc etc but it truly is making a difference in myself that I didn't think was possible only a week ago, so hang in there, you can catch up on my thread if you like, it's still in newcomers but I think it's time to move over here. TAKE CARE!!
To which I got really pissed because one of the things I have realized and TOLD him through all of this is that I now realize I was in a severe depression the last 2 years, which I believe affected a lot of what has happened with us. I didn't realize it until I got on Anti Depressants a couple months ago, and now realize how I felt the last 2 years was NOT normal sadness. I'm sad now, but it's different. I don't know how to explain it.
For many of us,... we know exactly what you mean. Best thing I can say is learn to "enjoy" your up times, the moments where you are starting to feel like yourself again. There are still down times as we both know, but don't expect this to "fix" over night. Your emotions, your brain needing to remap, etc.... is going to take quite a while ... a year even. Don't expect someone who's a "depression snob" or a mental health snob to get it over night. My H is the same way as yours. My melt down happened 4 years ago after my mother died and the crap that then happened because of it. He thinks I've "changed"... nowhere in your H's or my H's brain right now is there room for empathy. Don't expect it. It will over time, come however. Work on "evening out". And also don't be too hard on yourself when you slip. We've have ALLLLLLLL done this. Even the best of the DB'ers have slid down the slope at times.
*hugs* Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 06/28/0811:27 AM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
To have all this clarity and drive for change, and no partner to do it with.
Chris
It it absolutely amazing how many of us have such carbon copy situations. "Clarity"... yep, yep, yep. Right down to the things you said about things being "fixable". I keep saying we're six months from happy.
Thing is we've done the investigating, we've done the "work", they haven't. Our job now (esp those who were in depressed etc)... is to make them curious about us again. Make them have something about "us" that gets them excited about us. That takes time... as does the 180 required to catch their attention.
You don't turn an ocean liner around in 10 seconds,... it's a wide gradual turn.
You're doing well... keep it up! Abbey
PS - "doing" the 180 is multifaceted - some of it is about doing stuff differently than you did in the marriage... but it's about opening up options for you... it breaks their stereotype of you. So... The initiation from you is GOOD! The zip thingy is good too. Do stuff they don't expect. Do stuff that gives them a reason to do a double-take in your direction.
Last edited by Abbey; 06/28/0811:51 AM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Well, I'm afraid nothing I do matters anymore. H told me today at D6's tball game (nice timing again) that he intends to file soon. As in probably next week.
I immediately started bawling. Nice. I'm sure everyone in our town was talking about it since we are in a small town. Great.
So my friend took the girls after the game home so we could talk. 4 1/2 hours later ,and another romp in the hay, and he is still filing. What a waste of time, emotion, and energy. I'm really beginning to think the man I married just truly doesn't exist anymore.
I'm going dark. I just cannot keep this up anymore. HE doesn't care, doesn't see any point in waiting, postponing, a trial separation or anything. So what can I do?
Amazing how just when you think you have reached your lowest you really haven't.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
