Your right - I am really good at playing games. At one point, a friend of mine had too much to drink while at my house and I drove her home. Her car remained in my driveway and at some bizarre hour of the morning my H was throwing rocks at my window thinking I was in there with a man! It was kind of funny, but it really made him back off big time. MP - if your H was gay, would that give you the closure you need to move on? I told you guys that several people at my son's wedding commented on my H and that they thought he was gay. One said - well that would finally give you the closure. I think it would just confuse me even more! I also wish if they were, they would just say so and get on with life - it is way too short to be miserable pretending to be something you are not!
Me-48 H-48 Married 25years Sep 12/05 S-24, S-22, S-18, D-12 Dated for 9 months of S, not dating now http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1565826
I mean, Tink, that he wears suits and ties and nice shoes to work, and they aren't designer suits, but nice suits, and he wears jeans and tshirts or shirts with rolled up sleeves (yum) and boat shoes or sandals in summer and boots in winter. When we met him for dinner, he had on khaki shorts, and a short-sleeved shirt that was wrinkled, like a shirt would look when pulled from the dryer and not ironed.
He does keep his hair pretty well-groomed, but he's not fanatical about it. Although, he is inordinately proud of the fact that he still has a full head of hair.
His ads on the dating sites are heterosexual. He's looking for women between the ages of 30-45...
I don't really think he's gay, I do agree that he is very secretive about things.
Favorite actors? Well, I couldn't say. He focuses more on actresses...LOL... but he does enjoy a good action flick. And a good comedy.
And war movies. Loves war movies, war shows, war specials. Band of Brothers was one of his all time favorites.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
Well, Tink, my counselor thinks he doesn't file because that way he doesn't have to commit to anyone. Which may be true.
And I do believe there are lots of women who would have a relationship with a guy who was separated, because then they don't have to commit either.
I don't know, Rusty, if he were gay, if that would give me any more closure. I think I would be sad for him to have lived a lie for so long, and sad for me that I fought so hard for something that wasn't ever real.
But, I don't really think he is gay.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
Got to believe you know best MP53 - and for sure -the sadness of it all would be horrible. I don't know if, knowing what I know now, if I would ever have a R with someone who was only separated. I had an EA alot of years ago, and one of the reasons it didn't become a PA was my family and the vows I believed in and the fact that I knew his wife and didn't want to hurt his family. I have said over and over, if.....big if... I would ever have a R with someone they would need to be a widower with no children. LOL! I couldn't stand working with someone with an ex and kids!!
Me-48 H-48 Married 25years Sep 12/05 S-24, S-22, S-18, D-12 Dated for 9 months of S, not dating now http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1565826
Oh! Then he's straight. Then it's worse because he's got serious commitment issues. I mean I don't know him but it sounds like it if he won't let the women meet his kids.
Oh! Then he's straight. Then it's worse because he's got serious commitment issues. I mean I don't know him but it sounds like it if he won't let the women meet his kids.
Tink
Who knows what he tells these women? They may not even know he has kids. The last time I was in the apartment of his, there were no pictures of the kids out anywhere, there was nothing of his previous life in there.
I think he tells them as little as possible. He does say he is separated on the dating sites. And mentions that he has two children in the list of things they ask you about. But he doesn't mention them at all in his essay about himself. Guess that would be a serious turn off.
So, in order for him to totally avoid any kind of serious analysis of his life, he just acts as if he is alone in the world, 95% of the time.
As for commitment issues, I guess those can develop later in life, because he sure did want to get married to me, and he stuck around for 25 years. He is a puzzlement.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
Got to believe you know best MP53 - and for sure -the sadness of it all would be horrible. I don't know if, knowing what I know now, if I would ever have a R with someone who was only separated. I had an EA alot of years ago, and one of the reasons it didn't become a PA was my family and the vows I believed in and the fact that I knew his wife and didn't want to hurt his family. I have said over and over, if.....big if... I would ever have a R with someone they would need to be a widower with no children. LOL! I couldn't stand working with someone with an ex and kids!!
I hear you, Rusty. I've seen couples trying to blend families and it doesn't look very fun. I don't think I could have an affair for the same reason as you, but often it's the "heat of the moment" that carries people into affairs, and not clear thinking.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
Well if he is like my H then he looks at his kid's ages and says, "They are adults! That means they don't need their parents anymore!"...My H actually said that my girls didn't need him and that my son had a good foundation that HE started him on so he would be okay!...Our son was 9 when he left!...Yours probably says his kids are grown and out of the house so they are not an issue to worry about... Rather than thinking your H is gay I was thinking that he might be a sex addict?!?!...
As wacked out as my H became he finally came to his senses...it took him 3 going into his MLC before he moved out...then 2 years totally gone from us...and then another 1+ to recover...now, it has been 7 years since it all began and he is doing much better...the turn around came quick as did return...it was the part in the middle that lasted the longest...he too put adds on dating sites...said he was 10 years younger then he really was, guess he was counting on that wrinkle cream to really work!, said he was taller then he was, thinner then he was...so in reality he couldn't be honest with anyone, it wasn't just me...and most of all he wasn't honest with himself...
AS for your H...5 years S is a long time...and sadly some of the MLC'ers don't come out of it...they get sucked in to it like some sort of vortex caught them and they just keep going around and around...Sounds like your H is stuck...
Rusty, I hear you on the EA thing...I did the same...no way I could have actually had a PA...but one thing I know...with the wrong person an EA can be just as damaging...and usually is the first step to a PA...And I also said I didn't want to deal with an ex if I ever found myself in a position to remarry...but then I always liked kids and did want more so I could have done the step-mom thing...but with a widower so there was no ex involved and I could build a close relationship with the kids without disrupting an ex's relationship...
Thanks for stopping by imLIN, it's nice to hear from someone who has reconciled.
I think my H really does believe the kids do not need him around so much. Especially when he first left, he told me he thought he'd be a better father away from them than living with them. That was kind of a head scratcher for sure
I am lucky in that he still wants to do things for/with them. Tonight he and our son are going to see Pearl Jam together, and he and our daughter have a really good relationship. He takes care of a lot of her college stuff, and he has been really generous to me in setting up trips to visit her at college, etc. or helping her figure out her travel arrangements.
We're friendly, but we don't spend time together, except for birthdays and some holiday celebrations. It's better than hating each other, I think.
I just wish I could get him to see me in a romantic light. When he left, he told me that he had been looking for "her" and it was unfair to me and to him to continue to look for "her" from inside the marriage. I've consulted lawyers about my "rights" in this situation, and was told that countless people wait many years to get divorced, that I was not unusual in waiting.
My hope would be that we would eventually see each other in that light we used to view eath other in. But if that doesn't happen, I would still like us to be kindly and friendly to each other.
Married: 25 years Separated: 5 years Kids: 2, ages 21 and 24 Me: 53 H: 50
