Hello everyone, I've been back from our trip for a few weeks. I've thought of you since I stopped posting. When I had internet access while I was away I checked in on some of you but didn't post since I hadn't been following your situations consistently.
Shortly before H and I left on our trip in April he told me that there had never been a relationship with the OW. He had thought there was potential for one but, he had seen her through "rose colored glasses." I asked him several questions to which I knew the answers about her and their "non-relationship" and he lied consistently. I asked why he was telling me that there had never been a relationship and he responded that he wanted me to know "the truth." This conversation occured at the same time he informed me that he had signed a one year lease on an apartment in a town 25 miles away.
We had a wonderful time on our trip. We visited with friends, gave parties, and laughed at jokes only H and I would have thought were funny. But, as we had planned, we parted ways after one week. We went to the train station together and he helped me purchase my ticket. He saw me to the elevator hugged me good bye and boarded a train for the town in which he planned to spend two days alone before flying home.
I felt shattered inside, we had been such a solid couple for a week, and, now, I was on my own in a foreign country for the first time in my life. I only became weepy when strangers showed me kindness. e.g. when I didn't have the proper coins for the bus.
To be honest, I wasn't completely alone, I was to meet up with some childhood friends at one point, and, I had been invited to spend a few days in London with another friend of longstanding. My H telephoned each day that he was in the UK to see if I had arrived at my destinations safely and was well. He also e-mailed periodically. On one of the last days before I was to return he offered to pick me up at the hotel and drive me home. He greeted me with a hug and welcomed me back. He was still wearing his wedding ring.
On the way to our house he stated that he would be spending his first night in the new apartment. That he had taken some of the furniture but had tried to re-arrange what was left so the house wouldn't look too empty. He actually lingered, and seemed reluctant to leave, but, he did.
I didn't hear from him until four days later when he e-mailed to tell me that he had borrowed a small stepladder and planned to return it. I have never responded immediately to his e-mails, rarely pick up the telephone when he calls and, have heard from him on the average of once a day.
I had a dilemma on the Memorial Day weekend. He offered to come to the house to work on any "two person projects" which I might need help with. I really agonized over this one. One of the reasons he stated when he told me he was moving on from me and our relationship was all the work living at this house required. I also considered that he was looking for a reason to return to pick up more things for his apartment and offering to work was a good reason for him to come over. My DB coach had advised me to accept any of his invitations, but I wasn't sure if this one qualified.
I ultimately decided that his working at the house would re-enforce his negative feelings about living here so, I told him that I wasn't about work that weekend. I left the door open for him to suggest something else. When he left for his new apartment he suggested we have dinner some time, and he also mentioned it in a subsequent e-mail.
We did arrange a time for him to come to the house the next weekend. His wedding ring was gone, and he was distant and seemed uncomfortable. Although he brought me some tomato seedlings for the garden and something for the dog, it was apparent that his real goal was to collect some things - including his financial statements.
I did a 180 by not be doing work in the yard or garden when he arrived, instead I was wearing a silk jumpsuit which he had never before seem me wear and a pair of dressy flats and waited for him to enter the house on his own time.
The visit was a little strained. In his phone message the night before he listed the things which he was bringing, then, "I might have something to give you but... I'm not sure". Certainly sounded like D papers or property settlement to me but they did not materialize. When he left he told me that I looked good and that the house and grounds looked good too.
I felt hopeful but then received the telephone bill yesterday and he had telephoned the OW from one of our phones while I was away. He had rung her up at 5:30 am and spoken for about a half an hour. So much for "non relationship." It also explains the $25 credit card charge for Lindt chocolate on the day he returned. I knew better than to believe that he could discontinue pursuing the woman he considered to be his "soul mate" just a few months ago.
So, that's the update. I'm working on patience and making plans for enhancing my life. I am becoming involved with a new hobby, planning to go to a nieces wedding in another state and will accept H's offer to stay with the dog so he won't have to go into the kennel. (Did I ever mention that it is HIS dog? His landlord won't allow dogs.)
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Well, thinking that there might be a glimmer of hope was far too optimistic. H has been making less and less contact recently although he now has internet access at his apartment. He telephoned on Tuesday night to suggest that I take one of the vacations and he take the other.
Although previously he had appeared to be wanting to keep the information about our change in status somewhat private, he was pushing really hard during the conversation to tell our friends who would be on the trip that "we had decided to separate and that we were both OK". Apparently he had already made the decision that we will not be going together. Either I will take both alone, or, we each will do one.
He did mention that his new status was "a difficult transition." And, that he had not slept at all well the previous night. I'm beginning to think that once again, the OW is pressuring him. (In December I saw an e-mail in which she threatened that if he were to go with me on the April vacation she would be done.)
Three times during our conversation he used the same word: "inappropriate" regarding our traveling together. Although he maintains there is no one else in his life the telephone record disproves that. When we were deciding whether to take the April vacation he stated that we would be going as friends not as lovers, and at that time he had told me there was someone else in his life about whom had feelings. I really get the feeling that she has told him that it would be "inappropriate" to go on vacation with his wife.
We are supposed to have dinner together tomorrow night, for the first time since parting in England in April. The agenda is to discuss the October situation.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
It's Saturday morning and no contact from H about meeting face to face tonight. I mustn't try to speculate, however, am preparing for a phone call that we won't meet and that he will not be going on either one of the trips.
It might be difficult, however, it will be a good chance to stop the tug of war and reaffirm what ever he says.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
He did telephone, we'll be meeting tonight at a restaurant. I'm incredibly nervous and have a new understanding how you all felt when about to have the first big talk after they left.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
The first meeting after my H left was also at a restaurant. I was so nervous and I guess my expectations were to high!
Remember to have no expectations and let him do most of the talking...reaffirming what he says is a great idea! Keep your cool if he says things you may not want to hear. That is where I made my mistake...H told me he was not coming back, ever so I begged, pleaded etc...I did not make a scene but it was a miserable dinner, I didn't even eat.
I found DBing after that and started right away. I took hold of my life and did a pretty good job being a single working mom! H saw all this and realized I wasn't giving him the time of day unless he called me...and even then I always kept the conversation about the kids.
Good news is H and I are working on rebuilding a stronger marriage! H has been home for over a year now and things are good. H was your classic MLC and lived a life that did not include the responsibility of wife and children. I guess the "newness" of the OW wore off and H realized even she wasn't making him happy.
I can't thank you enough for your words of wisdom. I had been feeling quite alone recently. Not only do I live in an isolated area but I have had a home business for the past 11 years. I've been reading this board to get ideas how others have worked on the same sort of problems that I'm facing. For the past week or two, I've become more resigned to the fact that my hopefulness wasn't based in reality. I've been telling myself that our relationship wasn't all that good and he was right to leave it. More often than not, I cry when reading the threads and end up feeling worse instead of better.
To read your story and the positive outcome is really inspiring. Thank-you, thank-you,thank-you. It is especially heartening that your first ftf didn't go all that well. I'd like to know what happened after the meeting and I'm looking forward to reading your entire journey.
My expectations are very low for our meeting tonight. I am expecting that he will be resolved to not do the trips together, and that he will take OW on his. I also think he might stipulate that should we take the trips our D must be final. How's that for low expectations? (I think I chose the wrong screen name.)
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Good luck with your meeting tonight. This is such a crummy place to be--no control about what happens, no warning that our lives were about to suddenly blow up, no idea what's coming next or when, and then there's having the OW to deal with. So many layers of pain.
No, he wasn't right to leave your relationship after 25 years and start travelling with OW. That's just wrong. Don't even go there.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks for looking in to my thread hoosiermama. In my original thread the info about the circumstances about H leaving for graduate school were actually the 5th post.
Well, we didn't meet for dinner last night after all. It turned out to be a good thing. (I wonder whether it was fate for us to have to cancel?)
Last week the ghosts were in the machines around here. I had to get the lawn tractor into the back of my pick-up truck to take it to my local mechanic. A job that would have taken the H and me one half hour took me more like 4. Doing it alone entailed ramps, an electric winch, tow straps, and a battery. Then, the chipper/shredder refused to start even though I had used it the day before and it had been running beautifully. Back to my friendly (really he is) neighborhood mechanic. A piston had snapped so the engine needs a rebuild, parts on order, won't be ready until next week. I'm doing all this to clear a spot so I can have 10 cords of wood delivered and then I can start working on my heating supply for next winter. It's going to take a whole lot longer to do it myself so I can't procrastinate. Back home after learning the fate of the chipper/shredder, I tried mowing the lawn, lawn tractor ran into a hummock, got stuck, I pulled it off with my truck and then it would not go forward or backward.
At that point, I made an appointment for an authorized service man to make a house call since I just couldn't face winching the thing back up into the truck. The guy was supposed to come to the house yesterday. So, when it got to be 4 p.m. and he hadn't shown up I called H to notify him of the situation. (The service guy had called and said he would be later than he thought and, that he definitely would be making the service call on Saturday.)
H had made reservations at a restaurant which we both like a great deal. Not the one which he has started frequenting with the OW but one that is quite a distance from his present location. He had even checked to make sure that our favorite waiter would be on duty. He didn't want to cancel the reservation until 5 and wanted to take a nap. He asked me to telephone him at 5 to give him an update. I did and since the service man had not arrived we decided to cancel our reservation.
Later, I received an e-mail from him (first one since obtaining internet at his apartment) saying that he was sorry that it hadn't worked out for Saturday night. He also sent a link for a particularly funny clip on YouTube.
So, all in all it wasn't a negative thing, except that I'm a real case again since he is supposed to call to arrange a meet up for today.
Yesterday he gave me a list of things that he would like me to take to him when I next see him. He wants me to bring some Sunscreen! This is a guy who is taking OW to expensive restaurants, who bought $3000 worth of furniture last month who appears to be shopping almost daily at clothing stores, craft stores, home furnishings stores, yard sales and drug stores. He wants me to bring sunscreen? If this isn't MLC what is it?
Last edited by I'mstillhopeful; 06/29/0803:11 PM.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
It is so MLC!! My H went tanning, dyed his hair black and wore gold jewelry (that ow bought him...)...H spent money all the time, going to the casino, big shopping sprees..all with OW.
You asked about what happened after our first meeting...well, he left the restaurant and went to OW's....this was 4 days before Christmas. At this point I did not know about OW, so I was still in shock.
When I found out about OW, I flipped, fought got everything out I wanted to say and then some. I even told him that I hoped and prayed everyday that his daughters would not meet a man like him and that I was embarrassed to know he was the father of my children.
THEN I started to DB...and the rest is history. H and I were just talking about all of this last night and he said he could feel that something was wrong with him and as time went on he began to miss me. I think the reason he missed me was because I would not give an inch into what I was doing in my life...I was secretive and always looked good when he came over. I think he thinks I was out on the town all the time!! Truth is he would pick up the girls and I would look good and he would pull out of the driveway and I would change into PJ"S and watch stupid TV all by myself.
I was very lonely at the time but part of me enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. My girls were young...D4 and D9 months, so I was always focused on them and I knew I could not fall apart because at the time I was the only stable parent they had. When I was alone I would cry and have a pity party for myself but I think I needed that to make me stronger.
Just an opinion, but I would not bring him the list of things he wants. If he wants them, let him come to get them or go out and purchase new things on his own.
I think maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you did not meet last night. I think it is good that YOU were the one that had to cancel. Maybe H will realize that you are not at home pining for him to come back. Do not stress the phone call for the new dinner date. If he calls great, if he doesn't call today, you know he will call eventually.
He's shopping at craft stores?! Most guys wouldn't be caught dead in one! It would be interesting to see what he's buying--maybe starting a collection of rubber stamps or beginning to scrapbook~! Oh, I know--embroidery! And he's in drug stores but he can't find the sunscreen? Here's a thought--get the lowest SPF you can find and let him get a nasty sunburn....
No, I really wouldn't do that either, even if I should.
I have to say I'm impressed--I'd be a little intimidated by a chipper/shredder. I just got over my fear of the electric hedge trimmer! I used to be willing to try anything, but I fell off a sidewalk last year and dislocated my shoulder, requiring surgery, and it left me feeling a tad vulnerable. Anyway, way to go! You're my new hero.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
