Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

More journalling from May 16 2008 to round out some of my thoughts for you dear reader....

....time heals all wounds. I don't want to waste time and wish it away because there's so many things I want to do but at the same time, I would dearly love to get to the place where I'm not looking around the house for what's out of place before he gets here, hiding my wine glass becuase I don't want him to make snide comments about me drinking 'his' wine, and wondering if he's going to just drop her off and take off again (desirable) or whether he'll come in and want to know 'what's going on' because I've suddenly turned cold on him. I haven't been able to disentangle myself slowly and healthily from him so it's going to have to be like a band aid and hurt. I'm sorry h. I'm sorry I've taken so long to make up my mind. Now I just need to build the strength to be able to tell him to his face and get out the bits that need to be said and keep the bits that he can use to hurt me with wrapped up tight.

I think he still loves me. I think he always will. I just can't be myself (or who I think I might be - I'm trying to work it out) when I'm with him because I see his reactions to my actions as disapproval, superior etc 99% of the time. He might not mean to come across that way, but that's the way I interpret his comments and reactions. I don't know if I love him any more...I have to love myself first, I don't think I ever worked that part out before and as a result this has not been a healthy relationship for some time -perhaps even always. *sigh* I'm sorry h.