Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

How do I tell if he is the sort of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with without having worked on myself to maintain healthy boundaries first?

I'm still angry about his PA's. I'm angry that he comes back from o/s saying he's changed and that he'll never give up on us, yet when I tell him that I want to be on my own etc he accepts it on the surface but then calls me only a few days later crying and heartbroken that his previous g/f has now gone back to her husband. He even admitted to hedging his bets about me and her. I don't trust him. I don't feel like I'm worth the prize despite his words. I'm scared to try and talk to him about how I feel because I worry that it will get used against me in the future. I don't like the person that he is when he gets upset/angry/hurt. I find it hard to read him. I find it harder to act truthfully to my gut when he is in the picture. I walked on eggshells because I didn't want to rock the boat. Now that i recognise what I was doing in pushing my own needs way down, I'm angry that I did that for so long and worried about changing my MO and not being able to explain my change in behaviour (never mind the many backslides back to the way I was which creates mixed messages like you woulnd't believe).

I don't know if I love him. I'm fascinated by him but I dont' know if we can be healthy together.