Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[newnamenewlife]

I know--it's so hard, all these things at once. What did the SBT therapist suggest?

No, our H's can't hear or believe anything about the negative impact of their behavior because then they wouldn't be able to go through with it.

On the other hand, now that I've stepped over to the other side--ie we've told the kids and H moved out--I'm trying really hard not to give into too much "broken home" thinking and that this is a tragedy we'll never get over, etc, etc. The fact is, I do have several friends whose parents divorced when they were kids, and they all survived, went on to live fulfilling lives and have good relationships of their own. So nothing has to be written in stone. That said, you know that if I could have saved my M, I would have.

[cw68]

The therapist didn't suggest all that much during the session. It seemed like she was more laying out some ground work, telling us how men/women react, argue, go about things, how divorce affects the family and kids and the like.

She ended the session with how each of us could feel like losers. The one who wants the divorce can end up feeling like a loser when a little time has passed, they see their childrens' struggles and realize they are to blame. And/or time passes and they realize that getting divorced didn't automatically make them happy and solve all their problems. Then the LBS feels like a loser because they had no power to stop any of this and that they feel everything was taking away from them. She said feeling like a loser was a matter of choice and it's important for everyone to not let that happen.

More in two weeks...

[Reincarnated]

Welcome to Surviving, cw--seems that you will be able to do just that quite well.

Not that I want to feel like a loser, but the LBS does have to react to an event that they didn't want. Do we have to stay in victim mode? No! Like you said, cw, it is about acting, then being, strong. Some days you may be better at it than others, but it all comes together.
I think the bigger difference is that we have many fewer regrets when it is all said and done.
I don't know how a WAS can avoid feeling like a loser, when they do open their eyes (if ever) to see the true consequences of their actions. Why did your MC think it was important for the WAS to NOT feel like this? It is the reality of the sitch.

[cw68]

Because her goal is to get us where we can be the best parents we can. In her opinion, one parent who looks at themselves like they are a victim makes the divorce even harder on the kids. She made it perfectly clear she doesn't think divorce is an answer when kids are involved.

I'm sure my husband will hit reality at some point. But I don't want him to drag the kids down even further when he does. I guess my personal hope is for some personal hell for himself and no more for the rest of us!

[Reincarnated]

I like your MC. I completely agree that divorce should not be an option, at least an early one, when kids are in the picture. It is just so selfish. I will hold out the same hope as you. I am not so sure that my x will ever hit reality.

[cw68]

Selfish is the name of my H's game now. Crazy as he's done a complete 180 during our marriage. Before this I would have said he was selfless and giving. Guess he doesn't know how to serve others and himself, finding that perfect balance. Here's hoping to one day that happening, though I know it's too late for us. But, of course, I don't want that to happen TOO soon. Honestly, I wouldn't mind him feeling some pain first, a little taste of his own medicine. Bad, yes. True, yes again.

[cat03]

I told stbx before he left, how good it'd be for him to try and work on the M and that it wouldnt' be easy but worthwhile, he said he didnt' want to sacrifice himself, that being unhappy in the M was all that was going to happen with him staying. Selfish alright, they can't think of anyone other than themselves.
They'll fool themselves for a while, and probably turn it and blame any future unhappiness on us, there might not be a moment when they truly understand what they've done, mostly they'll just keep believing the other spouse is at fault for their current situation. What a pathetic way to live that will be.

[Reincarnated]

Cat, I heard the exact same thing--that the only outcome he could see to coming back was to continue to live "in misery." I realize now that he felt that way because it would mean living without the OW he had been sleeping with in secret for a year.

I don't think my x will ever admit to himself what he really did, or what he really lost.

[cw68]

Well, he's not being a complete idiot (though he's still an idiot)

"I’m continuing to work at trying to open up to both you and kids and I expect that you will do the same, sure I don’t always want to hear the truth, but I realize that to ignore it is unhealthy and just doesn’t work. For me, I believe this is progress in terms of my own personal growth and I hope it will help us as we move forward."

That's a big step for him. It's a 180 for him and hopefully, for my kids' sake, it will stop that pattern that he got from his mother. Even if it's too late for our marriage, it can be good for the kids.

[Virtually_Handsome]

That was a big statement. Especially if acts on it!

(((((((cw)))))))