M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks SC. I read most of that thread, and had to keep myself together because I am still at work. I'll definitely be buying "Good Husband Great Marriage" in the next few days.
I do have a question for you...I know many of the underlying issues have been festering and not addressed by either of us in the years and last week, there were several stressful and upsetting events that took place that brought all of this to a head. She even acknowledged that we should have talked about things sooner before allowing herself to become detached from me. So, I guess what I am asking, do you think it is common for Ws to explode or is it more typical to just surpise the H out of the blue. I know it doesn't change where we are and what I need to do, but some very stressful and fearful things happened early last week, along with her b-day. Just trying to make sense of out things....
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
SC, is it bad that my W found my letter from my MBA program confirming my deferal in the program until 2009? I slipped but recovered when she asked about it...need to pause and think before I speak...I started off with saying that I won't have the time to commit before I recovered. In any case, this was important not only to me but to her as well for a variety of reasons before the bomb and quite frankly, I will either be DBing still or piecing and would rather dedicate the time to my family than enhancing my career. Thougts?
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Any thoughts on how I can balance GAL when early evening time is dedicated to kids. Do I wait for GAL until after bedtime? Is it okay to not do some of the evening responsibilities (bathing kids, laying them down) and risk the situation I ran into last night
Having that special time with your kids in the evenings can be used for your advantage in showing an enthusiastic and fun person that you can be. Have fun with the kids. While wife may be doing other things, you can play with them or take them our for ice cream or what ever. By all means, help with the baths,etc. If you leave her to do all of that while you go out to GAL, she will resent it very much....and would have a right to. What getting a life is really all about is to show that you are making the most of every day by being fun and enthusiastic and energetic. Be attractive. Did you know that for some women, watching a man play with his children or read to them or whatever.....can be very attractive for the wife? See, I just gave you a tip! That is why you want to always be clean shaven and smell good and dress casual, but nice, even around the house. It is to be attractive in everything you do.....even carrying out the trash! (lol) You never know when she is watching and how it is affecting her. Be on your best behavior and don't act like you are a two-year old when playing with the kids, but surely you know what I am getting at. If you have over active children, then you must work with your wife in getting them to calm down before bedtime. If taking baths is a "playtime" for them and they get all hyper....then they need to get that out of the way and settled down a while before putting them in bed. Bedtime is not the time to get them all hyped up where they want to stay up. It causes irritation for the wife. Sorry, I forget now their ages, but if they are small...a bedtime story or a very short movie to wind down. If older, that usually works better (the movie). Getting a life can be nothing more than going out to the mall and looking at some new clothes. If you like to golf or have some other hobby or sports....do it to get away from the house so that you don't appear to be mopping around. But, don't ignore the needs of the kids. Put them first and even make them part of that getting a life. Hopefully, it will draw the wife into all the fun. Whenever you have a chance to have time for yourself...that's when you find something you enjoy doing.
I know this has just started and you said something about having time for the dust to settle down. This is when you need to study the DR book. So many people misunderstand what Michelle is telling them to do b/c they are hurting and can't focus on anything but the problem right then. So, use your bedtime, or when ever you can consentrate best, to read. Make some goals, etc.
Keep posting here. That is very important. You have a very good chance of your wife staying at home and seeing your improvements. Make a list of things you want to improve about your own personal self....not the wife. Never let her see your DR book or the notes or lists you make. This is for you....not her. Don't give the game plan away.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I posted on my other thread that now my wife is accusing me of not letting her take care of the kids. She's obviously noticing my stopping of the same as usual behaviour and I would have to agree, that for the most part, since the bomb, I have been trying to do as much as I can. Thing is, can I be overdoing it? Communication about this issue is critical and it was one of the things that I needed to 180 in my life as her POV is that I have never helped.
Looking back, a lot of times even when I tried to help, she refused which, over time, led me to stop offering and only helping when asked. Should I just continue as is, and let her help when she wants? I want her to have her freedom and independence right now and not pressure her into doing things but I feel this is one tight rope for me to be walking. The other day, I ran out on an errand during bath time, letting her bathe the kids and before I left, I found her crying in the bathroom???
I am wondering now, is it not really the act of helping or doing it all but rather one of making her feel valued for what she does with the kids? She did all of this through the past two years with little recognition on my part, of which I am sad. I have thanked her over the past week when she does help with the kids.
She brought it up again this morning and I said that I enjoy what I am doing and she asked, since when, last week? To which I replied, no I have always....She then brought up the fact that she shouldn't be the one downstairs and I resonded, well, you are the one that wants this, not me...and I left the room. One minute, nice and friendly, apologetic for running late, next morning, kaboom!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
You are in a tight place for sure. You will feel that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't for a while about most everything. First, do you have more than one bathroom? Would it help if she were to bathe the D in one bathroom while you bathed the S on the other? If that does't work, I would just very calmly and politely tell her that you were only trying to help her and that you certainly were not trying to take over. Tell her that nobody could take her place with the kids and then simply ask her what she wants you to do. Now to me, this is not acting like a doormat, but it is saving yourself a lot of frustration if you don't know which way to go. If she says anything about how you just started this last week or whatever, then tell her that you are trying to be more helpful b/c you realize that you weren't in doing enough before, but you are trying to "take over". Just ask her what she prefers about the kid's baths. If she wants to do it by herself, then so be it. If you want to be there when the kids go to bed (which I think a dad should be) then stick around until they the good-nights are said. Afterwards, you are free to do whatever you want to do.
You see, this won't work if she gets the wrong idea about why you are suddenly bathing the kids.
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I am wondering now, is it not really the act of helping or doing it all but rather one of making her feel valued for what she does with the kids? She did all of this through the past two years with little recognition on my part, of which I am sad.
I think you may be right about this. Also, she may see it as you thinking she was not doing a good job at it (like being a poor mom) and it is hurting her instead of the reason you had intended.
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I have thanked her over the past week when she does help with the kids.
Okay, my suggestion would be that you tell her that "I don't know how you do this all the time!", or look at the kids and say something like, "Mom sure has a better touch at this than Daddy does". Just say the words that you never knew how to tell her how much you appreciated her in the past for all she did. It is fine to thank her for helping with the kids, but she sees that as her job anyway and apparently she is not understanding why you have suddenly jumped in to do all this work.....and she thinks she has lost her job. She may, in fact, sort of resent you "thanking her" at this point, since she is misunderstanding your help with the kids, etc. So, if there is some way you can throw in those words that show she is "valued" for who she is and what she does......instead of thanking her, it may go farther with her. Does that make any sense...what I just tried to say?
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One minute, nice and friendly, apologetic for running late, next morning, kaboom!
Yes, you are going to see her ever changing moods, but the point is that you are showing strength and staying on an even keel. The kids need that from you since their mom isn't doing it right now.
Hopefully, she will see what you are doing as a sign of "your awakening", like the DR book says. But, if she brings it up again, just remind her that you are trying to give her more time and space. Don't get into a fight about it and you might try to be prepared to leave the room to go do something else....or better yet, have some place you are going and say, "and now, I am going to give you more space". Then leave and she won't have time to get into a fight about it, but maybe she will think about what you said and remember that is what she wanted.
Good luck.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi! W had said several times last week when she brought up the M that she did not have the strength to work on the M and that there was nothing I could do. There are things that I can do and I am doing the best that I can to continue DBing.
I will bring it up sometime tomorrow if it's appropriate. I have finished reading a book, the involved father, and in it he talks about a division of responsibilities. We never had that talk and I also found out this week, that she has never read a book about parenting, per se. In any case, regardless of how this sitch plays out, I made it clear that it is important that we figure out some things for the kids sake (conversation last weekend during the I want a D talk, not just a sep).
I can see how she can think that I am over compensating and your advice is priceless! The last thing I want is to have my stopping of the same as usual behaviour lead me down a cheeseless tunnel!
Well, W is off after work to a friends for the evening. I got a babysitter to do dinner with some friends, and she doesn't know. Of course, she'll find out when my D says that the babysitter was over tonight. Could be an interesting conversation.
Thanks again!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
W continues to ask if I need friend’s address before she leaves to go over. I say no. If I need you, I call your cell.
Is this her testing my trust? I really don't see a need for me to drive over there to validate that she is there or not there. I trust her judgement that what she is doing is what she needs to be doing and I am doing what is best for me.
TIA,
LS
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Hummm....kind of strange since she is considering herself S while living under the same roof. Is this a woman or man friend? I assumed it was a lady by offering the phone number, but I wonder why. I can't see it testing you in trusting her since she is seeing the M as over. Kind of weird. I don't know, to be honest. Just mark it down as nothing to worry about for now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
