Looking for support from other WAS's

[lost3031]

I didn't know that about the posts - I'll keep it in mind from now on. Thanks for the heads up!

[lodo]

Yep - just use the reply button instead of the quick reply box. You'll notice you can change the subject.

[Flipper]

Hey Lost,

I fully agree with you and lodo. Take it in baby steps. I believe another thing would be to log your progress and lack of progress. You are now the one who will have to be DBing to see what works with the H. In other words, keep track patterns of progress or backsliding and adjust your 180's from there.

Slow and steady. Like lodo said, it's going to take awhile for him to change his thinking and make a turnaround. You have the right idea.

My W and I met today for dog enchange (that's our kid). We had a pleasant visit, but I got a buddy-hug again. She's walled off. I just feel that underneath, she is hurt and pissed at me. The thing that is unsettling is that she is so calm and collected about the D. I even heard that she is selling her prized Mustang to make ends meet. Man, this doesn't look good. The D is final in August.

[lost3031]

Flipper, I might be able to give you a little insight as to your wife's "calm and collected" attitude. More likely than not, she is anything but calm and collected inside. My H also says that about me, and also that it seems like I'm doing fine and that this whole sitch doesn't seem to be bothering me at all. That couldn't be further from the truth! I am a complete mess inside and I am constantly hurting. Sometimes the pain is so great I can barely make myself get out of bed in the morning. That calm and collected demeanor is just a front - you're right in that we put a wall up around our hearts and emotions. I call it "going into emotional shutdown." It's a defense mechanism on our part. The really weird part? When H mentioned this the last time, I told him that I thought it was funny that he notices this "wall" now but he never noticed it the last 3 years of our marriage...

[Bridgestone]

... we put a wall up around our hearts and emotions. I call it "going into emotional shutdown." It's a defense mechanism on our part. The really weird part? When H mentioned this the last time, I told him that I thought it was funny that he notices this "wall" now but he never noticed it the last 3 years of our marriage...

oh yeah...

I suppose I'm glad he notices it, but sometimes now that he does & I need some priviate thought time, having him bugging me about what is bothering me & why am I shut off like this is like 'pushing'. I have asked him to just mention it.

Say something like..

It seems as if you're withdrawn and walled off a bit today. Would you like a listener?

I've said if I respond with a 'no', then please just back off with the reassurance like

OK.. you sound like you need some space. I'll be here to listen anytime you need it.I really want to know what your feeling/thinking.

If I say yes, then let me know honestly if you are in place to empathetically listen, not just parrot things back to me.

It has worked a few times for us. Not well, not 100%, but it is a new way of doing things.

[Flipper]

Thanks for the insight! When we were together for the last year or so, she would be walled off from time to time, but refused to let me in. I also badgered her to tell me what was up. She blew up at me a few times.

She opened up to me a bit last week. I was happy to listen. For the last 6 months, she all but refused to talk about anything. She would get so mad at me for "pushing". Finally hearing what she had to say (after 6 months of near nothing) I could hear the sorrow in her voice. You are right, lost , she is hurting. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of pushing, but I want to heal. I want her to heal. I want her to know that I really, really want to make things right between us.

I even have a letter drafted to her...for a rainy day. The letter speaks to her heart and tells her that I never want to go back to the "old" marriage; that I want to continue on a new adventure with her. No BS! I'm busting at the seams to take her by the hand and swing her around. I want to reach her heart.

As WAW's, would there be anything your H could write to you that would melt your heart (when you are shut down)? We were confirmed together in our church. I have such a bond with her.

-Flipper

[lost3031]

Honestly, Flipper, you can write whatever you feel is in your heart. It's not like we WAW's are ignoring you - trust me, we hear everything you are saying, sometimes as loudly as if you were speaking through a loudspeaker It's not that we are ignoring your words and your thoughts and your feelings - it's just that we are dealing with so much of our own confusion and emotional distress that we simply cannot deal with anyone else's feelings at the moment. But again, I reiterate that we DO hear them and store them away for the moment(s) when we are ready to deal with them. Trust me -I have heard everything my husband has said to me and I value his thoughts and opinions on our situation. I do not take his words or feelings lightly - it's just that until I am clear-headed enough to be able to give him 100% of me, I cannot let them sway any of the decisions that I make. Those decisions need to be made by me and for me, because if I let myself be swayed by him and his feelings, I am afraid that we would be back in this situation again in the future...

[Flipper]

Thanks for your thoughts, lost. Your insider's view really helps me understand. It reminds me of other letters I have given her. When asked later, she acknowledged reading them and keeping them all.

I've been reading some threads of WAS and WAW's. I have noticed a common thread (no pun intended). It seems that when one person chrashes emotionally, the LBS gets so hurt that THEY then crash. Then, if the WAS has a change of heart, the LBS becomes the WAS!! Plus, there is that reverse psychology that takes effect. For example, if my W decided to want me back, there would be a part of me that would say, "Hold on there!" I would have to suddenly fight that feeling to repel her. The more I know me, the more I love my dog! Man! What a whacky world we live in.

[lodo]

Hi Lost,

I was just stopping by to check on you and see how you are doing. So, how is that confusion and emotional distress?

Hope you're doing okay. lodo

[lost3031]

Thanks for checking on me, lodo. This site it great - I've really gained a lot of insight in the short time that I've been on here and it's wonderful to see people pulling together for support in everyone's time(s) of need!

For the most part, I'm doing what I like to call "surviving" - taking it one day at a time. I've been on the go - literally - for nearly two weeks in what I can only describe as an attempt to prevent myself from thinking about things. Now I'm suffering from some serious burnout and I think it's time to slow things down. I'm thinking about taking some time - just me, no phone, no noise, no interruptions - and just get away from everything so that I can get a clear head and hopefully some clear thoughts for a change. Call it a "mental retreat" if you will.

Hope things are going well with you...